The sitcom characters we’d like to have a beer with

Despite his self-centered, womanizing ways and reckless, dangerous, short-sighted actions, we’d still want to have a beer with Sterling Archer. Come on: The guy is a secret agent, and despite all his flaws, he is still the best at his job out of anyone on the show. Plus, we enjoy his witty sense of humor and phrasing comments as well as his childlike affinity for animals. And hopefully having a beer with Archer means we’ll be jetting off to some far away land...but hopefully not while getting shot at (or having a gun fired entirely too close to our ears).

In the chaotic, Canadian, trailer park-centric world, Bubbles (Michael Smith) is often the most stable character, as his buddies Ricky and Julian are always up to some legally suspect scheme, while Lahey and Randy are constantly drunk on power. And alcohol. Additionally, Bubbles brews his own beer in the most recent season of the long-running show, and he named the brew Green Bastard Pale Ale after his wrestling alter-ego. Speaking of multiple personalities, the only way we wouldn’t want to hang out with Bubbles is if he brings along Conky, his evil puppet, who totally creeps us out. Bubbles is, however, free to bring as many kitties as he wants.

Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill), the patriarch of “Married… with Children,” is a hapless, chronically unlucky slob, but he was also one of the funniest characters to come out of the ‘80s and ‘90s. He obviously loves his beer (his son, Bud, is named after the brewing company, although Al’s favorite brand is actually Girlie Girl), especially if it’s free, and he’d make a good conversation partner at the bar. Of course we’ll probably have to hear the story of how he scored the championship-winning touchdown back in his football days at Polk High School for the thousandth time. But we didn’t get sick of that when “Married… with Children” was on the air, and we certainly won’t now.

We’d thoroughly enjoy a chance to drink a beer with Jess (Zooey Deschanel) of “New Girl.” It’s not just because she’s usually upbeat, fun-loving and relatably awkward, but it's because she usually drinks rosé. So drinking a beer with Jess (and probably Nick, Schmidt, Coach, Cece and Winston) means we’re probably playing True American, a fictional and complicated drinking game invented by the “New Girl” writers that mixes Candy Land and “the floor is lava” with an excessive amount of beer (and a bit of liquor too). Despite repeated watches of the various episodes featuring “True American,” we never fully understood the rules. But that’s mainly because, as the writers later revealed, there are no true rules.

Not only is Peter Griffin a hilarious, fall-down drunk who loves a good time and a cheap laugh, but the dude also works in a brewery. We know he’s had some moderation (and nudity) issues before when it comes to the free beer, but, let’s be honest, shenanigans are going to happen regardless of whether the Pawtucket Patriot Ale is comped. Also, having a beer with Peter down at The Drunken Clam means probably swigging suds alongside Brian, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe too.

For eight seasons of CBS’ “Two and a Half Men,” Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) was almost always seen either courting an endless number of women or drinking (and often both simultaneously). Whether it was at his Malibu beach house or the local bar called Pavlov’s, Charlie drank various types of alcohol throughout the show’s run, including beer, and he actually had a favorite brand — a brand that isn’t fictional! Due to an agreement with the brewery, “Two and a Half Men” almost exclusively showed Charlie drinking Radeberger, a German pilsner that has been around since 1872.

It doesn’t matter if it’s at Cooper’s (over a ham, pastrami, onion ring and gravy sandwich, of course) or in front of the big screen TV in the garage, we’d want to have a beer with Doug Heffernan of “King of Queens.” His jokes, impressions and stories (many of which come from Kevin James’ stand-up act) still entertain us a dozen years after the ninth and final season of this CBS sitcom aired, and we definitely think that if “King of Queens” was real, we’d be friends with Doug...and hopefully Deacon, Spence and Danny too.

Some people might prefer to have a drink with Jack Donaghy, as the “30 Rock” executive is a classy character who is often seen pouring a glass of scotch. But we all know Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) is where the real party is, so he’s our pick. Tracy is erratic, unpredictable and has no shame or sense of what is or isn’t appropriate behavior. What he does have, however, is a lot of money. Like a stupid amount of money. That’ll buy a lot of rounds.

When it comes to which “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” character we’d like to have a beer with: Dennis is too sleazy, Mac is too awkward, Frank is too disgusting and Dee is a bird, but Charlie (Charlie Day, center)? Well, you never know what you’re gonna get with Charlie — he’s a “wild card,” after all — and that’s an adventure we’d like to be a part of. Maybe he’ll even bust out his Green Man suit! However, we should clarify: We’d have a beer with Charlie at Paddy’s Pub any day except for St. Patrick’s Day, when he’d rather be drinking green paint straight from the can.

There isn’t a whole lot of drinking in “Seinfeld,” but when there is it’s usually Kramer (Michael Richards) doing it. Who can forget his impromptu ad-libbing for a non-existent Hennigan’s Scotch commercial in “The Red Dot” or his ability to smoke a cigarette while simultaneously sipping a pint in “The Sniffing Accountant”? (“Here’s to feeling good all the time.”) Plus, once we’re done with the beers, we can get Newman to truck the empties up to Michigan to get a dime instead of a nickel for each deposit.

Don’t be fooled by their foul mouths; the kids on “South Park” (Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny) are way too young to drink. That’s OK though, because secretly our favorite character on the long-running Comedy Central cartoon is actually Stan’s dad, Randy Marsh. Sure, Mr. Marsh has made some questionable decisions over the years — and he’s likely to get hammered, get arrested and start exclaiming, “I thought this was America!”— but deep down he’s just a blue-collar guy trying to be a good person and provide for his family as a geologist...or Walmart worker, Blockbuster owner or mall security officer, depending on the episode. And he’s also a Nobel Prize winner and Guinness World Record holder. (But don’t ask us for details about the latter.)

What is Sabrina and Chip’s problem? Can’t they see their Aunt Mickey (Kaitlin Olson) is a badass who lives to have a good time and plays by her own rules? She also swills beer, watches sports and never shies away from a fight, making her the perfect barroom buddy. We’d also like to have a beer with and befriend her on-again-off-again boyfriend Jimmy, too, as he’s easily the nicest and most genuine person on the show. Sadly, we won’t get to see any new escapades from any of the characters on “The Mick,” as the show was recently canceled after two seasons.

We’ve been fans of Andy Samberg since “Lazy Sunday” premiered on “Saturday Night Live,” and we’d like to believe that detective Jake Peralta of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” is just Samberg playing himself as a cop. Peralta is a goofy, immature and fun-loving prankster who is also a die-hard fan of “Die Hard,” which would give us plenty to talk about. And since the 99th precinct successfully defended its usual hangout, Shaw’s Bar (where the staff often celebrates its victories), from a group of firefighters in a recent episode, we’d also have the perfect venue.

If given the opportunity, we’d thoroughly enjoy having a beer with everyone at Cheers: Sam, Diane, Coach, Woody, Cliff, Frasier and even Carla. However, our top pick would definitely be Norm (“Norm!”), George Wendt’s cynical and oft-unemployed barfly character. Not only is the Cheers regular always in the mood for a beer (he was the only customer to be featured in every one of the show’s 275 episodes, after all), but he almost always has a funny and unique way of ordering one. For instance, one time after being asked if he’d like a brew, Norm replied, “All right, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.”

Not only is Bender — the shiny metal robot from “Futurama”— actually fueled by beer and other alcoholic drinks, but he, Leela and Fry even brewed beer inside Bender in one episode. Dubbed BendërBrau, the brewing process made Bender look and act like a pregnant woman. When he finally birthed his beer, Bender proclaimed it an ale measuring five gallons, six ounces.

When is Rick not drinking? The co-protagonist (and sometimes antagonist) of “Rick and Morty” seems to always have a buzz, and although beer isn’t always his drink of choice, no one belches and burps that much without a steady diet of carbonated beverages. Having a beer with Rick could also mean flying through the galaxy, visiting other worlds and dimensions and generally having adventures...which would be a lot of fun if it didn’t mean there’s a large possibility we could perish on each trip. The other bad part? Rick can be a mean drunk. Then again, he can be mean, selfish and heartless even without booze, so what’s the difference?

We were (and still are) self-proclaimed superfans of “The Office” and took it pretty hard when the show ended. However, the saddest part wasn’t saying goodbye to the kooky workplace sitcom after nine seasons. It was saying goodbye to Michael Scott (Steve Carell) at the end of Season 7. To put it in “The Office” terms: We were sadder than when Carol dumped Michael and he listened to a free-preview clip of James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat. We’ve never worked at Dunder Mifflin, but Michael still felt like our boss for the better half of a decade, and we lived for his inappropriate jokes, offensive impressions, endless malapropisms and general well-meaning ignorance. Needless to say, having a beer with him at Poor Richard’s is something that needs to happen "ASAP as possible."

Homer Simpson, one of the best TV characters of all time, once proposed a toast that said, “To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” That might not be a universal truth, but in Homer’s world it’s practically his motto. After all, on the negative side, Homer’s drunkenness has spoiled dinner parties, cost him his driver's license, inspired him to run out on the field during a baseball game and caused so much of a ruckus at one Annual Springfield Formal Event that the next day’s newspaper headline simply read, “Local Man Ruins Everything.” (Although a donkey was partly to blame for that last one.) On the other hand, Homer’s jaunt as the bootlegging “Beer Baron” pointed out the foibles of prohibition, and a nightly beer (or 10) at Moe’s Tavern helps him cope with a dead-end job, poor overall health and an insane family. After a tough day at the office, we’d love to pull up a stool next to Homer — not to mention his longtime drinking buddies Lenny, Carl, Barney and Moe.

We may not agree with Barney Stinson’s dishonest, womanizing ways, but we’d still throw back a pint with Neil Patrick Harris’ character on “How I Met Your Mother” (at MacLaren’s, of course). After all, he has an endless supply of money, countless stories, and you know any night on the town with Barney will be legen — wait for it — dary!

Patsy (Joanna Lumley) rarely exists without a cigarette in one hand, a drink in the other, a joint (or multiple joints) hidden in her blonde hairdo and who knows what else in her system. She prefers vodka or champagne but would never turn down a beer (or any other drink) if offered. However, she’d probably drop a shot in the pint first, as seen in one episode of the classic ‘90s British sitcom.

Pawnee Parks and Recreation Director Ron Swanson (center right) would probably prefer a whiskey or scotch, but as a red-blooded American he’s also known to knock back a beer or two. (For instance, he toasts using beer before each year’s hunting trip.) Discussion topics would likely include libertarianism and woodworking, although Nick Offerman’s notoriously private character would probably be fine just sitting in silence. We’d pry some wisdom out of him, however, as the guy is both a master handyman and a low-key local jazz musician. If only the drink could take place at Swanson’s beloved Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, but unfortunately it’s permanently closed. Looks like it’ll be the Snakehole Lounge instead.

Out of all the characters on “Friends,” not only is Matt LeBlanc's Joey (far right) arguably the funniest, but he’s also the most likely to want a beer at any given time. After all, he’s a classic man’s man who likes chasing girls, eating sandwiches (meatball, preferably) and watching sports and “Baywatch” from his recliner. Plus, you can’t deny Joey loves a good beer. He usually has some in or on his fridge, and he drank six-and-a-half cans when taking sailing lessons from an overbearing Rachel. And after attending Ross’ wedding in England, Joey professed his love for the Boddingtons brand of beer. (“I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys.”)

We were huge fans of “Scrubs” during its run, especially the duo of J.D. and Turk. We’d say we’d want to have a beer with both Sacred Heart Hospital docs, but let’s be real: J.D. hates beer and would rather order an appletini. Turk, on the other hand, would surely grab a brew — in fact, he often does so after a long day at work, assuming he’s not still on-call as the hospital’s chief of surgery.

When it comes to “Will & Grace,” Karen Walker (far left) is our pick for a drinking buddy. Not only is she pretty much drinking all the time anyway, but Megan Mullally’s character also is arguably the most entertaining on the sitcom, which is currently airing its t10th season on NBC (albeit with an 11-year hiatus between Seasons 8 and 9). While having a beer with Karen, we’d be a little fearful that she’d completely shred any confidence we have as human beings, but it would be worth it to hear her endless string of one-linersn—nmany of which are drinking related — including her self-proclaimed catchphrase of: “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; you figure it out.”

Here’s another one for our friends north of the border. If you have yet to watch the Canadian sitcom “Letterkenny,” it centers on various groups of locals (known as the hicks, the skids and the hockey players, respectively) and their various problems and predicaments in the fictional, rural Ontario town for which the show is named. The hicks’ storylines usually involve them telling stories, debating societal norms or keeping the order in town, and they are almost always having a beer while doing so. (“Have a beer?”/“I’d have a beer.”) Of course, Wayne, the fearless leader, is the one we’d want to consume a Puppers brand beer with. To be fair (“to be fair!”), not only is he the main character (and the actor who plays him, Jared Keeso, is also the show’s creator and co-writer) but he’s also easily the coolest personality on the show, holding the title of “Toughest Guy in Letterkenny.” Pitter patter.