And Now. . . The Top 10 Nutty Social Media Theories from Pirates Fans

The Top 10 Nutty Social Media Theories from Pirates Fans

In a 1994 article, then-Vice President Al Gore argued for nationwide internet access, saying, “We can’t create a nation of information haves and have-nots.” Although the internet is indeed available to all thanks to the efforts of Gore and others on a bipartisan basis, we still have plenty of “information have-nots.” We honor them with this article. But before we get to our top 10, let’s examine some recurring themes found in my exhaustive social media search. Note that none of the fan statements presented below are factual. They do not represent the opinions or beliefs of this writer or Last Word on Sports. In fact, we think this is all, to quote Pittsburgh legend Myron Cope, “a bunch of gorgonzola.” Posters’ names have been omitted to protect the delusional.

Why are the Pirates So Bad?

The most popular theory presented as a factual reason for why the Pirates have been so bad is that they’re doing it on purpose. It starts at the top with owner Bob Nutting. Before manager Derek Shelton was fired, one fan posted that he was “doing what Nutting wants him to, which is to suck.” So why was he fired? Nutting did it “to distract from how cheap he is,” as if the fans are ever going to get off that bandwagon. (More on that subject in a bit.) Shelton was “trying to get fired anyway.” That’s why the “crazy lineups and pitching changes.” Pirates fans didn’t mind, as Shelton was a “Busch League” manager. I imagine the Busch League champion competes against the Sam Adams champion in the annual World Series of Beer.

Once Don Kelly was tabbed to replace Shelton, according to one poster, he was told by general manager Ben Cherington, “You’re not doing anything,” meaning anything good, because the Pirates want the first pick in next year’s draft.  In fact, since 2023, the worst record in baseball no longer guarantees the first overall pick in the draft. So why would Nutting want Kelly to do a bad job? The internet had two theories. First, because Nutting is “purposely trying to destroy baseball in Pittsburgh.” Second, he wants Hollywood to come to PNC Park and make a Major League-type movie about the Pirates. No word on whether Matt Eberflus would be interested in auditioning for the role of Shelton.

Sucking on Purpose

Payroll is a motivating – or rather, dis-motivating – factor. According to one fan, “The Pirates drafted Henry Davis because they knew he’d suck and they wouldn’t have to pay him long term.” Ditto Oneil Cruz, whom the Pirates “want to suck so they don’t have to pay him down the road.”

Thus, Kelly, conspiring with the Pirates’ bullpen, was “throwing the season on purpose.” One fan had it all figured out on July 6. That’s when the Pirates completed a series in Seattle where they were shut out in all three games. This, after a three-game sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals, where the Pirates tossed three shutouts. However, once the Pirates got to Seattle, “they realized they’re not supposed to be good.”

Some players were playing “lousy” so that they wouldn’t be traded. Others played poorly so that they would be traded.

Tough It Out!

Pirates fans littered social media with other reasons for their favorite team’s failures. For some, the team wasn’t tough enough. One cited a lack of dedication from Bryan Reynolds, who “missed games with a strained triceps and took paternity leave.” Reynolds actually led the Pirates with 154 games played and 654 plate appearances. Some malingerer.

Another fan accused center fielder Cruz of “quitting on the team” when he left a game on August 12. Cruz and left fielder Jack Suwinski both dove for the same fly ball. Cruz’s head collided violently with Suwinski’s shoulder. The fact that Cruz went on the concussion injured list didn’t deter this fan. Instead, he doubled down by saying Cruz was “faking” the concussion because he hadn’t “hit Suwinski that hard.”

The much-maligned, underachieving Cruz is a favorite target of Pirates fans on social media. He “doesn’t want to be on the field.” He’s “depressed because he plays for the worst owner in sports.” (Don’t worry, we’ll get to Nutting soon enough!) According to other posters, who I’m guessing don’t have licenses to practice medicine or psychology, Cruz “isn’t mentally fit for major league baseball” and “needs attention-deficit meds.” It would help “if he’d learn to speak English,” but he’s “too lazy.”

Other Causes

For some, excessive drinking was an issue. I suppose that’s what happens when one spends too much time in the Busch League. Another suggested that “Pittsburgh’s woke ways encourage failure.” For a word nobody seems to be able to define, being “woke” sure gets blamed for a lot.

Conspiracy theories abounded. To wit: Cherington kept payroll low “so he could give himself a bonus out of the baseball budget.” Reliever Colin Holderman was ineffective when he returned from his first IL stint on April 26 because he “didn’t really go to Indianapolis and pitch during his rehab assignment.” Actually, it was easy to verify that he pitched in two games there during rehab. Another called for a media investigation of Tommy Pham’s “suspicious” contract. The theory was that he could have been signed for the league minimum. Why Pham would ever have agreed to that went unexplained.

For some, Cherington and Kelly are “yes men” who need to “grow a pair” and “stand up to Nutting.” More than one suggested that the only reason Cherington has a job is because “he does what Nutting tells him to do.” Of course, this pretty much describes why every working person in the world has a job. I can almost guarantee that the people who post this stuff wet their pants whenever their boss comes within 100 yards of them.

For others, too many players “want out of Pittsburgh.” Specifically named were Cruz, Mitch Keller, Reynolds, Paul Skenes, and, strangely, Rafael Flores, who just got there. One fan insisted that Reynolds was trying to get traded to that baseball mecca, Kansas City.

On Skenes

Pirates fans on social media are particularly sensitive to Skenes’s plight, as though he’s entitled to a World Series ring by virtue of his very existence. Fans say he should demand a trade. One suggested that “he sit out until he gets one.” Bert Blyleven tried that in 1980. After a period where he wasn’t being paid, he returned to the Pirates. Another suggested that Skenes “refuse to pitch, let the Pirates sue him, and his new team would pay the settlement.” That won’t work, either. He’d simply be put on the inactive list without pay. No other team could sign him. Still another suggested he fake an injury, without elaborating on what that would accomplish. Absurdly and without evidence, somebody recently reported that Skenes’s agent was in the midst of negotiations with the Savannah Bananas.

On Nutting

Of course, Nutting is the villain as far as the Pirates faithful are concerned. In April, DK on Pittsburgh Sports published a thorough, exhaustive report on the Pirates’ finances and determined that the Pirates lost $2.2 million in 2024, and the actual cash flow was even worse when one considered principal payments on three bank loans and capital expenditures. But in this era of distrust of the media, people believe what they want to believe. Some even accused Nutting of paying for the report.

Thus, depending on which poster you believe, Nutting is pulling $30, $82.1, $100, or $150 million from the Pirates. How somebody pulled the $82.1 million figure out of the air is unknown. Maybe he figured adding a decimal point would make it seem legitimate. Another stated with confidence, “Nutting has two sets of books, one he lets the public see, and one that shows him making a killing.” In fact, the Pirates’ books aren’t open to the public.

Nutting has been called a “dictator,” “extortionist,” and “carpetbagger,” apparently by people who couldn’t define those terms. Most businesses are run as dictatorships. Few are run as democracies.

Nutting has also been accused of plowing the Pirates’ profits into the Seven Springs Mountain Resort and The Boston Globe. Nutting sold Seven Springs in 2021. He has never had an interest in The Globe. Another stated, without offering proof, that other baseball owners invest one-third of earnings back into their teams, while Nutting invests less than one-fourth. Where do people get this stuff?

Citing Nutting’s estimated $1.1 billion net worth, it’s been suggested that the Pirates’ payroll should be $300 million per year. Assuming that the $1.1 billion is 100 percent liquid, which is doubtful, that would provide less than four years of $300 million annual payroll. Then what?

Solutions

Rather than complain about the Pirates, some on social media offer suggestions. For some, a player/manager is the answer. Andrew McCutchen has been suggested, as well as, ludicrously, Trevor Bauer. For others, the answer to all that ails the Pirates is eschewing the designated hitter in favor of letting certain pitchers bat. This Murderer’s Row included Bubba Chandler, Keller and his .079 lifetime average, Skenes, and most bafflingly, David Bednar.

One fan posited that a position switch was in order: Reynolds to first base and Joey Bart to right field. The Pirates don’t have a great track record of moving catchers to right field, having tried that with Manny Sanguillén, Jason Kendall, and Davis. Of course, fans want to designate any player who has a bad game for assignment and replace him with a prospect from the minors. When all else fails, just make up a name. One poster clamored for “Camaro,” while another said the Pirates shouldn’t have signed “Tyson.”

Yinzer Trade Proposals

Of course, nothing says “yinzer” like a trade proposal that the other team would never entertain in a million lifetimes. The consensus is that Cherington should try to acquire a team’s “good players” or “best prospects,” as if he never thought of that. One social media mastermind called for the Pirates to trade Gregory Polanco and David Ross. Polanco last played for the Pirates in 2021, Ross in 2005.

Here are some of the more interesting trade proposals that would happen only in the minds of the social media denizens among Pirates fans:

Trade partner	Pirates give up	Pirates get
Red Sox	Bailey Falter or Andrew Heaney	Rob Refsnyder
Phillies	Skenes	Bryce Harper
Nationals	Bednar and Keller	Josh Bell
Mariners	Ke’Bryan Hayes	Rowdy Tellez
Athletics	Cruz	Jacob Wilson
Dodgers	Keller	Andy Pages & “another player”
Cubs	Keller	James Triantos, Brandon Birdsell, & Ben Cowles
Yankees	Hayes, Keller, & Dennis Santana	Spencer Jones
Phillies	Braxton Ashcraft, Keller, & Reynolds	Aidan Miller & Justin Crawford
Yankees	Hayes, Keller, & Isiah Kiner-Falefa	Jones
Rockies	Hayes & “prospects”	Ryan McMahon
Tigers	Bednar, Keller, Kiner-Falefa, & Pham	Kevin McGonigle
Anybody	Kiner-Falefa & Pham	“A power-hitting first baseman”
Mariners	Skenes	Cal Raleigh

Finally, the Top 10 Nutty Social Media Theories from Pirates Fans

The reader has been most patient to get this far, so let’s get to our top 10, in ascending order a la David Letterman:

10. The Pirates would win more games if they signed Trevor Bauer and named him player/manager.

Why somebody thinks Bauer would be a good manager is beyond comprehension.

9. Bob Nutting should be “investigated by DOGE” because “he’s been doing some shady business for a long time.”

There’s no evidence that Nutting has done “shady business for a long time.” Even if true, this wouldn’t be within the purview of the Department of Government Efficiency. Strike one: Nutting and the Pirates aren’t part of the government. Strike two: This has nothing to do with efficiency. And strike three: Turns out DOGE was never even a real department.

8. The Cubs put Alexander Canario on waivers as part of a diabolical plot to have him end up with the Pirates and weaken them.

The Mets purchased Canario from the Cubs in February. Before he got to play a game for the Mets, they sold him to the Pirates in March. It’s amazing that two teams could conspire to plan and execute such a nefarious scheme. They should have put that same effort into winning their divisions.

7. The Pirates have “too many freaks hanging around pissing off the players.”

It must look like Woodstock in the Pirates’ clubhouse.

6. “A local couple named their child after Paul Skenes. Sad when fans are more invested than the owner.”

Absolutely, Nutting should father a child at age 63 and name him after Skenes to show he’s more invested than the fans. His actual monetary investment means nothing.

5. The Pirates “should set the starting rotation in April and keep it that way.”

Because over 162 games, nobody’s going to get injured, traded, sent to the minors, or removed for poor performance, and there will never be a rainout.

4. “Cade Horton is going to make sure Paul Skenes doesn’t repeat as Rookie of the Year.”

Do I really have to explain this one?

3. “Horwitz could hit .500, and it will still be a terrible trade.”

This refers to the offseason trade where the Pirates sent pitcher Luis Ortiz and two minor leaguers to Cleveland for first baseman Spencer Horwitz. Ortiz is currently on non-disciplinary paid leave while Major League Baseball continues to investigate unusual betting activity detected on certain pitches thrown. Yet, somebody in the social media orbit wouldn’t have traded him for a .500 hitter.

2. David Bednar should be allowed to bat for himself.

In Bednar’s 10-year professional career, he’s made exactly two plate appearances, and none since 2021. The first resulted in a sacrifice bunt. The second resulted in a strikeout. Maybe this poster saw Bednar bat in Little League.

1. The Georgia Bulldogs offered Pirates hitting coach Matt Hague $7.5 million to leave the Pirates and coach football.

Not surprisingly, this was presented without evidence, is thoroughly ridiculous, and drew the hardest belly laugh from me, and thus is No. 1.

That’s all, folks. Maybe we’ll do this again next year. Meanwhile, check your facts before posting to social media. I’m watching.