The Onion Rips Pirates in Hilarious Irresponsible Marketing Story

"Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club’s dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children," the article says.

The piece went on to lambaste the Pirates for using "targeted giveaways, cartoon mascots, and Pirates-branded youth merchandise" to get children to be fans of the team. The Onion also cited a fake expect, named "National Child Safety Council spokesperson Rebecca Amoroso" as cautioning against Pirates fandom for children.

“The team knows that no sane adult would willingly become a Pirates fan, so they have to go after minors. They hook children early because they know the cycle of hope and despair is addicting, and if young kids start watching games, there’s a good chance they’ll grow up to be season-ticket holders," the fake expert said.

It's not the first time The Onion has made fun of the Pirates, and the jokes go back for decades. In January 2021, they ran a story titled "MLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front." Just five years after the constriction of PNC Park, in July 2006, the satirical paper ran "PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built".

The Onion's sports section doesn't only mock the Pirates. Ahead of the piece cautioning against Pirates fandom for children, they also ran stories titled "Novelty Nachos Helmet Works Way Into Regular Dishes Rotation" and "Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team’s Basketballs".

While the cited expert may have been fake, the Buccos' slump is all too real. The Pirates are dead last in the NL Central, with a record of 52-73. They're 14.5 games behind the NL Wild Card standings and are likely to miss the post-season for the tenth consecutive season. The last Pirates playoff win came in 2013.