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BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Allen Iverson calls himself out
Allen Iverson is the coach, captain and player for 3s Company. Jeremy Brevard/USA TODAY Sports

BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Allen Iverson calls himself out

Last year, the NBA started a hotline where players can call to talk about officiating, argue about fines and, if you’re James Harden, fall to the ground in pain whenever the phone vibrates. Following suit, the BIG3 has also created a phone number for its veteran 3-on-3 legends to blow off steam about the officials.

Yardbarker has obtained exclusive communications from the BIG3 office, which are totally real and not at all made up by our correspondent. We know when that hotline blings, it can only mean one thing: Allen Iverson is killing another coach.

Allen Iverson vs. Allen Iverson 


Allen Iverson hasn't been the scoring machine he was in the NBA in the BIG3. Jeremy Brevard/USA TODAY Sports

Dear Mr. Iverson,

First of all, it’s great to see you back on the court again. I’m very happy that you’ve managed to land in a league where there is no practice so we can focus on the game that you love. That being said, we are disappointed to hear that you’re clashing with the coach of 3s Company about playing time, shot selection and team chemistry. It seems inevitable that you and your coaches will come into conflict, but the coach of 3s Company is… Allen Iverson.

You claimed that the coach doesn’t understand you and is arbitrarily limiting your playing time. After all, you’ve only scored two points in each of the first BIG3 games, and the team is playing DerMarr Johnson and Andre Owens in your stead. But the officials can’t dictate the substitutions! That comes down to the team’s coach, who is again, you. We would suggest that you take this issue up with your team captain, but that’s also Allen Iverson.

Confusing matters further, we got a second phone call from “Coach Iverson” complaining about his unmotivated point guard. Coach Iverson wouldn’t call out anyone by name but claimed that a certain starting point guard was “more interested in getting corn rows than getting back on defense.” According to Coach Iverson, the player drinks too much and has “too many dumb tattoos,” though he’s “a criminally underrated rapper.” He also expressed doubt that any coach could get through to his talented but troubled star, besides Larry Brown. Once again, you are talking about yourself, Allen Iverson.

Mr. Iverson, no matter how many points you score as a player or how many games you win as a coach, it’s simply great to see you on the basketball court again. But if you want to repair your relationship with your coach, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. At yourself, the player-coach and captain of your team.

Identically yours, 

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Charles Oakley vs. Decorum

Dear Mr. Oakley,

We feel like we should congratulate you on receiving the first technical on a coach in BIG3 history. Currently, the Killer 3s have earned by far the most technicals and flagrant fouls of any team in the BIG3, and it's not a surprise that the first technical for a coach went to you. Well, it was going to be you or Gary Payton.

We also appreciate your candor. Normally people call with an excuse or explanation, but you proudly owned up to trespassing onto the court and screaming at the referees. And it appeared to fire up your team. The Killer 3s made a huge comeback, Chauncey Billups hit a clutch four-pointer and Stephen Jackson didn't punch a single opposing player, knowing the coach had his back. As a reward for your honesty and integrity, we have canceled next week's halftime performance by JD & The Straight Shot.

You're Welcome, 

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Ruben Patterson vs. Al Harrington

Dear Ruben Patterson,

We’ve reviewed the footage, and we are upholding a foul call on the play when you knocked Al Harrington into the stands going for a loose ball. You claimed it was a legal hip check, since you made contact above the knee, but that is actually a hockey rule. In the NBA, none of that contact is legal, though this misconception may explain a lot about how you played during your NBA career. You were always known as the “Kobe Stopper,” though it’s unclear what level of success you had against Kobe Bryant. But you guarded Harrington, and he hit another game-winning shot, so this is consistent with the "Kobe-stopping" thing.

More troubling is that you knocked Harrington into the lap of league founder Ice Cube. Even though you checked Harrington, that is a good way to wreck yourself. Because getting released from the BIG3 is bad for your health — employer-sponsored insurance in crucial in this era! Mr. Patterson, you better run a check. And also run a couple pin-downs for Al Thornton! Contested jumpers are also bad for your offense’s health.

Chicky check, 

BIG3 Referee Hotline 

Kwame Brown vs. Gravity

Dear Mr. Brown,

We concluded an investigation and found that, contrary to your claim, there was no sniper who hit your arm as you delivered that air-balled free throw in the win against Power. Nor did Power manage to sub in a heavy medicine ball, Globetrotters-style. Rick Barry called us multiple times, offering to teach you how to shoot free throws underhand, but he's the coach of a different team so that would be improper. Plus he already started yelling and cursing by the end of each message, so he might not be a good fit.

However, on the advice of our friend Roger Goodell, we consulted with some scientists from the NFL. They said that the basketball you shot was clearly, incontrovertibly deflated, and added, "No matter what the Ideal Gas Law says." As such, Tom Brady has been banned from the BIG3 for life.

Airily yours,

BIG3 Hotline

Larry Brown vs. Allen Iverson 


Could coaching in the BIG3 be next for Larry Brown? Derik Hamilton/USA TODAY Sports

Dear Coach Brown,

We do not currently have any openings in any of our team’s coaching staffs, despite the rumor you may have heard about 3s Company. To correct some other misconceptions from your call, we don’t pay any coaches $6 million per year, nor give out five-year contracts, nor can the coach trade every player on his roster over a two-year span.

Also, you left a second message informing us that you’d already leveraged the BIG3 job into a higher-paying job with the Drew League, so congratulations? This is just never going to stop with you, huh?

Respectfully yours, 

BIG3 Referee Hotline

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