BIG3 Referee Hotline: Calls routed from 1-900-MIX-A-LOT

Dear Sir Mix-a-Lot,

Thank you for your wonderful performance at halftime this weekend. You’re a Seattle legend, and much like the majority of the players in the BIG3, you peaked in 1995. The only way your performance could have been more perfect is if you wore a Hypercolor t-shirt and slap bracelets, and threw promotional AOL CDs into the crowd.

However, you did not have to call us to insist on your honesty. Sir Mix-a-Lot, it's very believable that you like big butts; you don’t need to leave a series of messages explaining that you cannot lie. Especially to the BIG3: big butts are literally the foundation of most of these teams’ post offenses. And many of these guys have given up doing side bends or sit-ups many, many years ago. We all did appreciate your effort to update the Jane Fonda reference for 2017:

“Your girlfriend drives a Honda Fit/Watches Grace & Frankie on Netflix/ But Tomlin’s acting ain’t the only thing acclaimed by the critics/ My Amazon Fire stick don’t quit unless your bit ain’t fit.”

True poetry! We also appreciated your explanation that you performed  “Posse on Broadway” at the personal request of Phil Jackson, but we - and LeBron James - would have preferred you say “My entourage is on Broadway” or “My good friends Rich Paul and Maverick Carter are on Broadway.”

Give our best to Becky.

Mixologically yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Conor McGregor vs. 3-Headed Monsters

Dear Conor McGregor,

We are all excited that the BIG3 will be sharing a venue with you this Saturday. Truly the MGM Grand Arena is the place where champions are made, especially if they’re over 40, like Floyd Mayweather and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf. It’s a great day for boxing, three-on-three basketball and America.

That being said, we cannot allow you to join the 3-Headed Monsters for the final. Look, you’ve never competed in this sport before. Sure, you are great at mixed martial arts, but this is a completely different discipline: the training is different, the rules are different, and you are going to have a tough time facing guys who have been doing this for twenty years or more. I mean, making your debut in a sport, against an undefeated opponent, in front of 16,000 people, in Las Vegas? That’s just crazy.

While you are an excellent showman, there was no need for you to leave the kind of messages you did. Telling Kwame Brown, “Dance for me” is insulting, if not borderline racist. And while you came up with some very entertaining insults about Reggie Evans and his facial hair, he won’t be playing on Saturday, and you really should look into his history of punching.

We appreciate your interest, and we’d like to formally invite you to compete in a four-point shooting contest at halftime against a Las Vegas legend, Carrot Top. After all, it would be nice if you won something this weekend.

Mixed martially yours.

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Rashad McCants vs. All of the officials

Dear Rashad McCants,

First, congratulations on the undefeated season and for making it to the final. Trilogy trailed at halftime, but your relentless rebounding led to a 15-0 run. This answered a lot of critics who thought Rashad McCants couldn’t be part of a winning team.

What did not answer critics is that you objected to every single one of your seven foul calls. (And left seven separate messages!) You alleged that the whistles were due to, in order: referee blindness, racial bias, corporate media influence, “Ghost Baller bias,” make-up calls, point shaving, and “Coach K’s minions.” I’m not sure there’s ever been a “hotline cancer” in basketball history, but you are veering perilously close.

Rashad, you and Trilogy are doing so well. The only thing that can stop you from winning the title is you putting the other team on the foul line all the time and getting into fights with other players. You’re 17 years younger than Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: try to act like you’re, at most, 27 years younger. And also don’t foul him too hard – he might have osteoporosis.

Chastisingly yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Stephen Jackson vs. Our Hearts

Dear Stephen Jackson,

We wanted to thank you for the lovely fruit basket that you sent to the office. For better or worse, you were the BIG3 Referee Hotline MVP this season. Whether you were fighting with other players, getting fouled, or picking up flagrants, you carried the officiating complaints for the whole league, just like you carried the scoring burden for the Killer 3’s. We truly expected Reggie Evans to show up big in the technical standings, but he led the league in rebounding instead.

This week, you played the entire game once again, scored 27 points, and didn’t commit a single foul. It made us so damn proud. If only you’d had more help from your teammates, you easily could have made the playoffs – or sparked a giant, bench-clearing brawl. (Or both!)

We hope that you return next year, and we think you know what needs to happen: Recruit Baron Davis to be your co-captain. We believe in you!

Stack Jackingly yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Cuttino Mobley vs. Loneliness

Dear Cuttino Mobley,

You played bravely in the semifinal that Power just couldn’t pull it out. Your 11 rebounds were impressive, but ultimately, your 5-20 shooting doomed you. However, we thank you for calling and letting us know that those 15 shot attempts that didn’t go in weren’t your biggest miss. What you missed was your life partner, Steve Francis.

At the draft, we wondered what might happen, since Power also had your old teammate Moochie Norris. We thought you all might reunite – three friends, three-on-three basketball, it all made too much sense. Instead, Norris couldn’t play, and Francis went away, presumably back into the recording studio. And it’s gotta be lonely out there with only Rasual Butler to confide in, since DeShawn Stevenson is always getting tattooed, and Jerome Williams just barks back at whatever you say.

Next year, let’s get Stevie Franchise into the gym early and get the dynamic duo back together. Maybe we’ll promise him a halftime performance slot, whatever it takes. Together, the two of you could really make a splash in the BIG3 – until you’re both traded for Tracy McGrady before the 2019 season.

Sincerely yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline