Fans Rejoice! Oilers will not be punished by inconsistent NHL

The messenger boy stands on the cliff’s edge on a sunny September morning, overlooking the townspeople and their commerce.

Welcomed by bugle and out of breath from sprinting down the mountain, he clears his throat. The poor office worker jolts from a mid-morning stupor, hoping for grand news about saviour Connor McDavid.

The messenger arrives with different news. He confirms prior reports from the capital that, yes, oh yes, the Edmonton Oilers were not being punished for placing Evander Kane on LTIR. 

And while this is good news, the townspeople remain wary. With the whims of the overlords, punishment can arrive at any time. One never knows what might be decided by Supreme Justice Gary Bettman and Chief Executioner Bill Daly.

“Gather round, faithful fans, our hopes have at last been confirmed,” the boy yells, the people standing still, as if in line at Zellers. 

“The word from high enlightens our souls. Trusted scribe Larkin’s report is in my very hands. The decree stamped by Lord Bettman: No punishment!”

The townspeople give a muted cheer, disappointed, however, as it wasn’t the news they hoped for. The new McDavid contract must wait another day.   

They hide it well. These weary plebeians know Bettman and Daly are always watching, always listening. Lest any hint of dissent be detected, the celebration must be grand, so that when our club does what other rivals do, we are not smote.

“Our clever tactics with one Evander Kane—sufferer of two hernias, two torn hip adductors, and two lower abdominal muscle tears—were fair on the field of battle,” he continues.

“Our noble power forward, set back by a knee operation months later, is many things. Cap evader he is not.

“No third-round round picks will be surrendered for pro-rated scoring totals like trade conditions of old upended by pandemic. Fear not about compensatory second-rounders, for Chiarelli is yesteryear. These are old stories, myths of ancient history. A new day has dawned on us my friends!

“Let us not be resentful of rival armies and how their strategies have been employed. Let us not feel singled out by Lord Bettman and his graceful power, for they are always right. When new rules are created at their whim, they come from the place of truth! 

“Let us forget the names Stone, Tkachuk, and Kucherov, names engraved as worthy champions, who have never spited our great league with suspicious injury. For Lord Bettman has shown, we are more similar to them than we realize, completely innocent, just combatants on a grand quest for glory. 

“Let us quickly forgive this as the first investigation of its kind. Carrying around such a laborious grudge only hinders our efforts for the future. Instead, let us regard mid-February for what mighty Zeus intended: Love and memory of our great St. Valentine, and not the annual feast of Mark Stone LTIR placement. 

“Let us never question the investigation methods of our grand overlords. It is easy for the mind to forget that Executioner Daly’s middle name is indeed Sherlock. 

“Let us give praise to our doctors, our athletic therapists, our sages, who have proven more expert in their fields than those in expensive, regal robes. 

“Let us congratulate General Stan Bowman. For he did not exercise the full weaponry of his LTIR room, knowing it would arouse much more suspicion. He committed to the cause as a general does, believing in Kane’s return, and let young Holloway and Broberg be paid well for their service to the Blues’ cause. 

“Let us think of the future of Jake Walman and Trent Frederic, instead, who showed signs of helping the cause, providing depth to our roster.  

“Let us raise our draughts and swill our 19 dollar nectar when the coliseum re-opens. Let us dole out 30 per cent more for our Sportsnet package to hear our Principe puns. And let us, loyal, loyal Oilers fans, omit investigating what happened to our grizzled Kane in the Stanley Cup Final. 

“For these tactics will be all but gone this upcoming season. After the long and cruel winter, when the sun shines on our favourite spring, gone will be the salary cap strategy, these miseries of conducting battle.  

“Bow down my brothers and sisters. Do not delay. Join thine hands, fall to our knees, thank Supreme Justice Gary Bettman and Chief Executioner Bill Daly for their grace. 

“Let us exclaim: ‘Thank you oh wise ones! For your strength is only surpassed by your benevolence, your rulings ever so final and true. We are eternally grateful. Long live the NHL!’”

Hear, hear!