A gift from Father Christmas for every Premier League club

The last two seasons, Arsenal finished second to Manchester City. As you likely know, and as we will get to, City is having a down year by its standards. Well, instead of the Gunners stepping into the void, Liverpool has surged under new manager Arne Slot. Arsenal seems primed to be the proverbial bridesmaids once again. Sure, there’s something to be said about overcoming the obstacles en route to a title, but Arsenal would probably appreciate one year where it gets to be the top club in England.

Aston Villa finishing in the top four in the Premier League last year was a pleasant surprise, as it had not played in the Champions League in decades. Just getting to play the biggest clubs in Europe’s biggest football competition was cool and worth celebrating. It wasn’t expected Villa would finish in the top four again and, well, it won’t. However, the club will almost definitely at least be in the playoff for a spot in the round of 16 in the Champions League, and it still has a chance of finishing in the top eight and avoiding the playoff.

Replacing Dominic Solanke’s goals has been a group affair, and while Kluivert leads the way with five goals, three of them came against lowly Wolverhampton. Also, all three goals were penalty kicks. Unusual for a forward, Kluivert has committed three times as many fouls as he’s drawn, which is not what one wants from an attacking player.

Two clubs have two players with at least eight goals: Chelsea and Brentford. Mbeumo and Wissa are pacing an attack that has Brentford primed to comfortably finish in the top half of the table. Now, it’s a little obvious to note a club could use its two best players to stay healthy, but there’s reason for concern. Wissa has already missed three games this season, and Mbeumo only played in 25 games last year.

Welbeck is 34, and the forward hasn’t played for England since 2018. Known more as a link-up forward, Welbeck has never scored more than six goals in any prior season for the Seagulls. Well, he has six goals already this season and has started every single game for a surging Brighton club. A decade ago, Welbeck hit nine goals for Manchester United. It’d be remarkable if he did that again this year.

Since Boehly’s group took over Chelsea, the club has churned through players and managers. This offseason was no different. Paced by Cole Palmer and Nicolas Jackson, plus plenty of other talent, the Blues should be a top-four team and are in the running to finish second, maybe even first if Liverpool falls off the pace. So, just keep Boehly distracted during the winter transfer window. And the offseason too, frankly. Keep him from tinkering. Keep him from overdoing it. He and his brain trust. Fortunately, fidget spinners should be easy to find cheap in bulk these days.

Last season, Crystal Palace was in the relegation battle when the venerable Roy Hodgson stepped down as manager and was replaced by Oliver Glasner. The club soared and ended up finishing 10th. Well, Glasner has been there from the get-go this season and Palace is…in the relegation battle. Clearly the thing to do is sack Glasner, hire Hodgson, have Hodgson step down, and re-hire Glasner to recapture that old magic.

Last season’s point deduction hurt Everton, to be sure, but so did the fact the team only managed 40 goals in 38 games. Jordan Pickford’s goalkeeping helped the club avoid relegation. This year the club doesn’t have the excuse of being docked points for why it is hovering in the relegation battle. The Toffees would have to pick up the pace to even get up to averaging a goal per game. Nobody on the club has more than three goals, and big defender Michael Keane has more goals than any midfield player and even a couple of Everton forwards!

Fulham sits in the middle of the table, and it has already played Manchester City (loss) and Tottenham Hotspur (draw). However, the December fixtures for the club loom ominously. In less than three weeks time, Fulham plays Arsenal, Liverpool, and Chelsea. If it can manage three or four points out of that it would be a success, but there’s a good chance it nets zero, and suddenly 2025 will arrive with the table looking much less rosy for Fulham.

In 2022-23, Ipswich was playing in League One. This season, it’s playing in the Premier League for the first time since 2001-02. That’s a remarkable rise, and Ipswich fans should celebrate the good times and take a walk down memory lane. Because, well, Ipswich will likely be relegated and back down in the Championship at the season’s end.

We figured Leicester would be sticking around in the Premier League after dropping down to the Championship for one season, where it was comfortably the best club in that league. The Foxes have scuffled, though, and a yo-yo could be in the offing. Looking to avoid that fate, the club axed Steve Cooper and brought in Ruud Van Nistelrooy as manager. The Dutch striker was a great player, and he did well managing PSV Eindhoven, but this will be a bigger challenge for him.

Mohamed Salah and Virgil van Dijk are probably in their final season with Liverpool. They are both franchise icons, but they are getting up there in years, their contracts are up, and nothing lasts forever. Liverpool has emerged as the favorite to win the Premier League, though, and Salah and van Dijk have been crucial to that. The Reds can win a title and send Salah and van Dijk off into the sunset (or Saudi Arabia, such as it is).

2024 will prove a mixed bag for Rodri. He won the Ballon d’Or and then also suffered an injury to his ACL and meniscus that ended his season. It turns out losing the best defensive midfielder of his generation is not ideal for a club’s title hopes. Manchester City would be in a different circumstance if it had Rodri patrolling the pitch.

United is not going to finish in the top four. That isn’t Amorim’s fault. He just took over as manager from Erik ten Hag! The Portuguese manager deserves nothing but patience for the rest of the 2024-25 season. He might even deserve it next season. Man U needs to get things sorted, and Amorim should have the chance to see if he is the man for the job.

All the money in the world is in the bottom five in goals in the Premier League. Isak has tallied four goals on the season. Last year he scored 21 goals for Newcastle. Some of that scoring touch would be quite beneficial to the club if it ever wants to head back to the Champions League again.

Forest finds itself in a legitimate fight for a top-four spot thanks to astute defense and the goal scoring of veteran New Zealander Chris Wood. Through 13 games, Wood had nine of the 16 goals the club had tallied. He also scored those nine goals on 13 shots on target. Not every shot is created the same, but that is a conversion level that is immensely difficult to sustain. Unless, of course, everything we know about probability and statistics go out the window. Then, it’s a free-for-all!

It was always likely Southampton, who earned promotion through the Championship playoff, would be relegated. Yep, that’s what is going to happen. The club has been the worst team in the Premier League, so the squad might as well get ready to tour the towns of the stalwart Championship clubs for the 2025-26 campaign.

After 13 games, just a smidge over one-third of the season, Spurs was second in goal differential at plus-14. It was also seventh in the table. Tottenham smashed Manchester City 4-0 on the road. That game was sandwiched between a loss to Ipswich and a draw against Fulham. If Spurs could be the best version of itself most of the time, this club would be locked into a spot in the top four.

Many West Ham fans got what they wanted in the offseason: Moyes out. David Moyes’ tenure as manager of the Hammers came to an end after years of clamoring for that result. This from the guy with the highest winning percentage in club history. Julen Lopetegui has taken over and has not elevated the club at all yet. While West Ham likely won’t fall into the relegation battle, the bottom-half of the table is where the club will stay. How long until we start seeing “Lopetegui out” signs?

Ipswich and Southampton are both quite likely to head right back down to the Championship, and if Leicester doesn’t join them in that reality, Wolves seem like the club to be relegated. The problem is quite clear. Wolves is above-average in terms of goals scored, but last in goals allowed. That may make for some exciting football, but it’s not good for avoiding relegation. If the Wanderers can’t find defensive footing, fans will need to make peace with a trip down to the Championship.