Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Elvis Comeback Special

VINDALOO – 5/10 – Ooh, Vinny looked a bit shaky. Zero chance of saving their goal as it flashed by him high after a freak deflection off Liam’s instep had it behaving like a stone skimmed across a loch by Homelander. But he was unconvincing in his overall play and late in extra-time he was near-suicidal with a pass out to Luke that had us under severe strain as we tried to get it over the line.

KATIE – 6/10 – “Who am I? Who are you? Is Jeffrey Epstein the chairman of Rangers? Is Derek McInnes cloned from a badger? What shape is a ball? Am I a ball? Are you the ball?”. KT’s recovering fine. Almost scored a thumper before facial reconstruction surgery Dundonian-style nearly meant he would have to borrow Davie Dodds’ passport to ever travel out of the country again. Even with the hinderance of decapitation, KT maintained his run of good form even though the side was malfunctioning on a collective level. Lifesaver on the line deep in the game before his own life was nearly taken meant he can take great
satisfaction from a winning contribution.

AZTECO – 5.5/10 – Good strong start then the overall ennui got to him a bit and his errors were more common and his forward momentum stunted by indecision and the lack of consistent tempo or flow.

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – Tricky one for the Barndarigg Beckenbauer as they sprung our backline on a number of occasions; with his sidekick involved in a beauty v ginger wildebeest grappling session, Liam’s job was to pick up the pieces and gauge the opposing counter-attacks. Once he did get their measure we appeared more composed and he was able to provide the spring by which we could break their press. However the variable nature of that defensive control did have the stands in a state of angst.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Like Liam, stoic and purposeful. Rough-housed mad mental Midden-faced Murray when he could easily have shied away from the conflict, and indeed, once might have. But this season’s Trusty is steel, not soap, and he was willing to take the hits as well as dish it.

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