Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Star-Spangled Spangles

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8.5/10 – Kasper to the rescue. Again and again. As Buttman defied physics to keep us at bay, the laws of the football universe effected some crazy clean-cut openings for them in their rare forays up the park. Only one mhan stood between The Zombies and unhealthy glory, and that was the Schmeichel family’s finest ‘keeper; that grim arrogance he emits is a by-product of supernatural focus, a genetic trait no doubt, that means he alone is capable of making those BIG moments fall his way, and thankfully ours. Breathlessly fine goalkeeping, enhanced by some brisk, pinpoint distribution with hand and feet. Respect the vet.

SCRATCHY – 7/10 – All busy, and plenty of energy for backing up whatever winger we had in front of him, even a danger himself when he got the overlap timed well. Was at it until spent; we might have won a prize with this cartel loanee, who’s got all the mental-ness required for a South American attacking fullback, but also seems to
have a measure of discipline for actually implementing the manager’s tactical requests instead of just going on emotionally-charged rampages. Although I’ll wager he’s got a few of those in his arsenal.

TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 – “Tony FLAMIN’ Ralston’s the name, but you can remember me as… The Brickie”, snarled Jason Statham in his new assassin role in the movie based on the life of Celtic’s utility hero, before – ‘BAM! BAM!‘ – dishing out a lead sandwich…And Tony took what was dished out today – sex-change surgery from The Zombies’ transgender viking shield-maiden – before rising once more like an invincible spartan, ripped jockstrap exposed, groin ravaged by Arsegards manicured nails, baws bloodied, wummin-folk fainting…Central to every major incident, it seemed; and back at training tomorrow learning to fall like Del Boy through a hatch in Only Fools And Horses, which is apparently the only way now to avoid conceding a penalty against the Zombies. Yet that outrageous bit of skullduggery didn’t stop The Brickie from seeing justice done while riding a yellow for 70 minutes, still trying to batter Zombies senseless like a boss right to the very death. Glorious.

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