Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Three-Card

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 3/10 – Kasper.Kasper! KAAASPER!! “Uh,hhhh… Like, what, man?” The ball – save it! “Ba…Uh, you mean the technicolour frisbee the beautiful hippy chick with the flowers in her hair is floating towards me across this sun-kissed San Fransico parkland as Barry McGuire’s ‘Eve Of Destruction’ tune is playing on some dude’s transistor radio, man? Well… Wai…Wait an’ I’ll flap at it and see if I can catch…Aw, man… Bummer… It’s gone past me, man, and there’s a lot of heaaavy noise, y’know – dudes givin’ me grievance. Like, hey… Chill, y’know. Wow, man, this is trippy…” Kasper was stoned; Evidence that kicking of his, too, and it’s the only logical answer. Call Vinny, his time has come.

MELLOW YELLOW – 4/10 – Nothing like boosting a kid’s confidence by hooking him at the break. Looked a bit shaky during his time on the park, or maybe rather ‘raw’ is the correct summation; still not too much of a negative because he’ll give 100% regardless of how his form is.

KATIE – 5.5/10 – Not the KT we ordered but still the battling fan in a jersey who’ll not go down without a fight. Could have scored himself tonight, looked comfortable in central defence for the second period. He’s not the problem.

OF JUSTICE – 6/10 – Liam in Europe is consistency. Liam getting exposed in Europe is a personal battle he wins despite being the stooge for some woeful passing than had him under pressure and facing up cul-de-sacs. Thankfully the Barndarigg Beckenbauer gene maintains vital composure. But we all know what Liam’s nightmares must consist of.

GET CARTER – 6/10 – Effective at right back; maybe more than centre, due to the freedom it gave him to motor at their lines. Another who’s not part of the problem when he’s on his game.

CALMAC – 4/10 – Calmac is stifled. By these tactics. By his solo role amid athletic frenzies across the most sought-after territory on the pitch. His isolation – although not planned tonight, but came to pass – means he’s bereft of forward-momentum and maintains equilibrium by ball-retention; hence we’re recycling back and side in multiples of unnecessary rotations. Not a lot he can personally do to remedy his situation; not while he’s paddling around in there frantically trying to keep himself and us above water, never mind imposing upon the game or creating chances.

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