Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Feenyanoord v Celtic

“This could be Rotterdam or Amsterdam
Liverpool or Home
‘Cause Rotterdam’s where Martin wins
You’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone”

– The Beautiful South, ‘Rotterdam’.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8.5/10 – Magnificent Schmeichel family traditions maintained in Holland. Two world class Danish legend specialities kept us in the game, and ahead. One fluff when he punched instead of claiming led to time standing still for a few milliseconds, but overall no wonder they named a Corrie dug after him.

KATIE – 8/10 – Since cementing his chapter in Scottish football history by becoming a national superhero, KT’s just looked more like… Well, KT, than ever before. Tricky proposition tonight facing up to their best asset – some brill-creamed, man-bunned, posing, whining metrosexual pain in the bhaws. But handled stoically and solidly.

MELLOW YELLOW -7.5/10 – “Big rampaging lang streak o’ phish INCOMING!” yelled the opposition’s defence in unison, in continental gibberish or whatever language they speak there, usually requiring a tablespoon of phlegm trapped in your larynx to pronounce anything anyone local can comprehend. And the bhoy in from the chill burned up the doubters with a focussed, enthusiastic performance, particularly instrumental in the third goal.

OF JUSTICE – 7.5/10 – The Liam Legacy is fast becoming a string of contrarily terrific displays in circumstances where Playstation FIFA virgins have already prophesied calamity on a grand scale. Once Liam’s nerves settled over a misplaced Brodge sideball, he defaulted into Ginger Baresi mode and his prescience (see what I did there, Dune fans?) was acute and unfaltering.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7.5/10 – We’re still waiting on him burning out after a startling run of 90 minute appearances. But no sign of that as the Yank who’s not a tank uses that sinewy athleticism to perfectly complement his fellow lefty in central defence – a number of interceptions and stiffings tonight exquisitely-timed.

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