Hey Dibi: Do Aggro Bros Make Bad Boyfriends?

Editor’s Note: Have a question for Dibi Fletcher? She’s definitely got answers. Or at least a perspective. Don’t hold back, shoot her a DM on Instagram and ask away. Here’s this week’s dispatch from the Matriarch of Radical…

Hey Dibi... I’ve been surfing my whole life, but lately I feel invisible. The younger guy paddle around me, the industry only cares about followers, and I’m starting to wonder where I fit in. How do you stay relevant as you get older? - Washed Up in Ventura
Hey Washed Up in Ventura…. First, the ocean doesn’t care how old you are, and that’s the most honest relationship. Relevance is a word invented on land. The ocean deals in presence. You don’t disappear because you age- you disappear because you stop paying attention. The older surfers having the most fun aren’t trying to be seen. They’re feeling everything. They sit a little wider. They wait a little longer. They know which wave matters, Let the kids chase visibility. You chase meaning. One good wave at the right moment is more relevant than a thousand witnessed by the wrong people. You still fit. You just moved deeper into the experience.

Hey Dibi… My boyfriend and I met through surfing, but now he gets competitive and angry in the water, especially if I get better waves than him. It’s changing how I see him. Is this normal? - Second Guessing in Malibu
Hey Second Guessing in Malibu… Nothing reveals a person faster than the lineup. The ocean strips away the performance, and your left with the truth. Competition can be playful, but anger is something else. Anger in the water usually had nothing to do with the waves. It comes from fear—fear of not being enough, of losing identity, of being seen clearly. Pay attention to how he makes you feel out there. Do you feel expanded or diminished? The right person will celebrate your waves like they were their own. Be grateful you got the opportunity to see something in his character while surfing,  what might have taken a lot longer just by hanging out together.

Hey Dibi… I had a bad wipeout last winter and two hold-downs that scared me more than I’d like to admit. I haven’t been able to surf the same since. How do you come back from fear? - Held Under in Bali
Hey Held Under in Bali... Fear is not your enemy. Panic is. Fear is like an alarm asking you asking your body to listen more carefully. Start small, smaller surf, smaller expectations. Let yourself fall again in manageable ways. Confidence isn’t built be conquering fear. It’s built by surviving yourself. You don’t have anything to prove to the ocean; you’re not conquering it you’re just visiting. The bravest surfers I know aren’t fearless, they just paddle back out anyway.

Hey Dibi... I’ve built my whole identity around being a surfer, but lately I feel pulled toward other creative interests—art, writing, even just staying home. Part of me feels guilty, like I’m betraying who I am. - Lost My Edge
Hey Lost My Edge… You’re no betraying yourself. You’re meeting yourself. Surfing was never the destination; it was the doorway. The ocean helps teach you how to see, how to feel, how to be alone, how to be humbled. What you do with the lessons on land – that’s the real work. You don’t stop being a surfer because you paint or write or disappear for a while. Once the ocean is in you, it never leaves. You’re not losing your edge; you’re finding your depth. Enjoy it all!