Why you shouldn't watch Super Bowl LIV

Sure, Super Bowl LIV looks like a good game, on paper. Your friends might be preparing a party full of good drinks, good food, and good times. You might think that it’s a must-watch, that you’ll need to carve out at least four hours of your Sunday, if not more, in order to watch the game. You would be mistaken. Here are some reasons why the only thing you should settle in with this Sunday evening is a good book.

The 49ers are strangely infuriating
An NFL team in 2020 is not supposed to be able to reach the Super Bowl with its quarterback throwing a grand total of 27 passes in two playoff games. The league is pass-happy now, and while there should be some fun novelty in San Francisco’s ability to destroy opponents on the ground, it’s actually quite annoying to watch. Or maybe that’s just jealousy talking, because no other team has Kyle Shanahan calling the offensive shots. Top to bottom, the 49ers are the more balanced team, and so they are likely to be the darlings of old-school football fans, but if I wanted to see another team win without their quarterback breaking a sweat, I’d drag Trent Dilfer out of retirement and put him under center.

The two best teams are playing
“Chris, you literally listed this as a reason people *should* watch the game – what gives?” Ah, dear reader, please realize that I have multiple personalities, at least for the purposes of this exercise, and one of them can’t get invested in a game like this unless there’s a big underdog/heavy favorite dynamic. One of the most compelling Super Bowls this century came when the Giants, a 12.5-point underdog, upset the undefeated Patriots. The game was riveting from the start precisely because it was supposed to be a mismatch. For casual fans who don’t devour the NFL every week from September until January, what’s the appeal presented by Chiefs-Niners? Chris Jones’ impact against the Niners’ run game? David and Goliath is always more interesting than Goliath and Goliath.

Andy Reid might actually win the big one
Reid is a likable head coach, and one of the most successful in NFL history. He is as well-known for his play-calling brilliance as he is for his occasional mangling of the clock and other tactical elements. Do you really want to watch someone who only started to figure out how to use his timeouts wisely in his late-50s become a Super Bowl champion? I didn’t think so.

It doesn’t involve the Patriots
There are few things in sports more enjoyable than watching the Patriots lose. Sure, you have to run the risk of them winning, but when they go down in flames, and Bill Belichick looks like he’s just eaten a lemon soaked in pickle juice, it is glorious. Without a proper villain, what’s the point?

Kyle Shanahan is Mike Shanahan’s son
Were you aware? Had you heard? This is breaking news. If the 49ers are playing well, and look like they’re going to win, get ready for approximately 10-15 shots of Mike Shanahan, sitting in a luxury box smiling, looking impossibly tan. A San Francisco win would make the Shanahans the first father-son duo to win Super Bowls as head coaches, and while that in undeniably impressive, it will never be as cool as, say, Ken Griffey Sr. and Ken Griffey Jr. hitting back-to-back home runs. If you choose to pass on this game because you don’t feel like suffering from Shanny overload, I can’t blame you.

You might see another dynasty begin
Patrick Mahomes is electrifying, and the best quarterback in football, and one of the most uniquely gifted players ever to play the position, and it’s hard not to have fun watching him, but if you’re a fan of an AFC team and you’re thrilled that it appears the Patriots’ run atop the conference might have finally come to an end, a Chiefs win may serve as the coronation of a new dynastic team, and a gut-punch realization that things are about to get harder, if anything.

Oh come on, let's be honest
This game is almost certainly going to be fantastic, and if you like football in the slightest, you should be watching.