Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at The Mos Eisley Cantina

VINDALOO – 8/10 MOTM – Great Celtic keepers are born, or die, upon the skull-strewn hill of Golgotha where the ungodly play flutes of hollowed human bones and berate all who dare to tread the contaminated turf with pandemoniac cachinnation. So what would it be for this fresh-faced Scandinavian Bhoy? Well tonight, Vinny will be suckling on Billy Dodds’ moobs. Though young Vindaloo hails from the purest beauty of Finnish wilds, he remained unfazed by the sight of the hideous masses of abnormal alien strain who attempted verbal and physical assault from the zoo enclosures behind him. He remained cool as a homeland glacier, pulling off three fine saves – a spectacular introduction with a back-scrambling tip on a deflection; butspecial kudos for the point-blank stop in the second-half to spoil Satan’s hobbit’s afternoon. Gentlemen (and ladies…), we have a keeper.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6/10 – The pastry-hustler approaches these fixtures with an energising level of dementedness. That got him so far today but the bake-off got a little heated under their press and synch with Daizen seemed non-existent compared to the usual devastation their movement and pace can wreak down our left flank.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – Enter the Tiger to the Bears’ den (did you know that particular Zombie terminology for themselves is a reference to big hairycamp men, usually found trussed up in bondage gear and indulging in all sorts of furry tomfoolery (trust me, too much internet research…)? I’m sure the new Yank owners will be enchanted). No problem here for The Brickie; smashing cheeky Zombies around is his perfect Sunday. Interestingly, faux-Brazilian hardman Jefte didn’t fancy a tangle, and for the first-half in particular Tony and Jamesy linked well, old-schoolers showing how to handle the Zombies on their own cursed earth. When his tag-team buddy departed prematurely Tony dropped deep, feeling the heat but still in for the cause 100% and battling through fatigue to get us over the line.

OF JUSTICE – 5.5/10 – This battlefield was not suited to our defensive sniper. Eventually his intervening sharpness came to the fore and was important, but damage was already done early, signalled as Balogun shook him off first minute and rattled the bar with a header. Those troublesome moments accumulated, exploited by the Zombie barrage, and finally culminated in Liam being languidly rolled like a Snoop Dog joint by Cross-Dessers for their goal. I don’t mind stating the best choice for these rugged encounters is the unluckiest defender at the club who can’t seem to catch a break despite proving himself more than once against the uglies. Give us the big Polish slugger any day.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…