So Long, Paper Straws (and Good Riddance)

The Commander in Chief is fed up with paper straws and doing something about it. On February 7, the President of the United States tweeted on X: “I will be signing an Executive Order next week ending the ridiculous Biden push for Paper Straws,” (sic), “which don’t work. BACK TO PLASTIC!” And on Monday, February 10, he made good on that promise.

"I don't think plastic is going to affect a shark very much, as they're munching their way through the ocean," the President actually said as he signed the executive order.

Whether it’s Coca Cola, that other, lesser cola made without coca-leaf extract, ginger ale, or Pappy Van Winkle you’ve been trying to sip through those worthless little buggers, they just don’t work and they have to go. Regardless of your political leanings, can we all agree here, at the very least? They’re sullying the ability to down copious amounts of liquid at the rate each of us damn well pleases and deserves, and that right is as downright American as Greg “Da Bull” Noll and apple pie.

In all seriousness, nobody likes a soggy, twisted mess of pulp between them and their beverage of choice, and there’s no sense in dallying around this basic fact any longer. So let’s get behind our brave head honcho and rally. To the streets, I say!

Paper was never meant for straws, and frankly, it's unsanitary. Consult the National Institute of Health (NIH) and you’ll quickly find that paper is a formidable vector for pathogens. If that wasn’t enough to put you off paper straws, consider this: A recent study conducted by the University of Antwerp, Belgium found more “forever chemicals” (that’s PFAS or PFOAS, as you like) in paper straws than in plastic ones. A study by another European research group found as much and more. So most paper straws are: a) not biodegradable and b) not even safe to drink from. What more do we need to read?

So are we really relegated to going “BACK TO PLASTIC?”

Well, maybe the President, and perhaps some other people look forward to going back (he's also noted that he will rescind his predecessor's attempt to remove all single-use plastics from federal land by 2032). And maybe they have their reasons for wanting to send as many of those classic heavy-duty, red, white, and yellow implements of destruction from McDonald’s straight up the schnozes of sea turtles the world round—we are all entitled to our grudges, after all.

But the acrid flavor of plastic never really suited my palate. And moreover, you and I, presumably both ocean- and ocean creature-lovers (save for those CROOKED sea lice—nobody likes them!), might find other solutions, such as, say, reusable straws? Silicone, bamboo, stainless steel—hell, platinum, gold, any old precious metal you so choose—take your pick. Just mind your teeth.