Originally written on Kissing Suzy Kolber  |  Last updated 4/24/12

Live strong, but do so with taupe colored wrist bands, in keeping with the rugged masculine look we’re going for. See that leather behind me? That leather has values. That’s hetero leather.

If you were wondering why Dan Shanoff just pitched a tent outside of his local Macy’s, it’s because Tim Tebow recently signed an agreement to become the official face bulge of Jockey underwear. You already know Tebow pretty well. Now it’s time to meet The Bulge.

Hey guys, it’s me, Tim Tebow’s Bulge. You haven’t seen a lot of me in the past, what with those restrictive athletic supporters and my never-ending supply of strategically placed modesty towels. Well now it’s MY time to shine.

But before I go on full display we need to get a few things straight.

I’m not one of those greasy soccer guys with fancy Italian briefs. I’m a real American, and if you want to see my bulge it’s going to be packaged in the two-ply pouch of my Jockey’s. Nothing fashionable here, just good support for the Holy Trinity.

[jiggles ever so slightly]

Secondly, don’t expect to see any sinners in my ads. If I’m going to share the screen with a retired basketball player and a crappy actor it’s going to be AC Green and Stephen Baldwin, not some DECADENT HE-SLUTS.

Now if you want to be cool like me all you have to do is wrap up your bulge in some Jockey’s, and follow these simple rules.

The 10 Commandments of The Bulge

1. Thou shall have no other bulges before Jesus’ bulge.
2. I come right after Jesus’ bulge.
3. If thou hath laughed at the previous commandment YOU’RE GOING TO HELL WHERE IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINAS ALL THE TIME.
4. Thou shall not worship false bulges.
5. Thou shall not covet another man’s bulge, to do so would be GAY.
6. Thou will never see any bulge in the entire country strain against the fabric as hard as I will strain against the fabric of my Jockey’s.
7. If your tailor asks you if you “dress to the left” HE’S A SINNER.
8. Thou shall not trust your child to a mohle lest he should develop a hook-nosed bulge.
9. When you think about it, a fetus is kind of like a tummy bulge. WOULD YOU ABORT YOUR BULGE?
10. Thou shall not caress thine own bulge with amorous intent. In other words, be a master Gator, not a masturbator.

God bless.

[twitches]

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