Found September 06, 2012 on The Nosebleeds:


I really, really, really wanted to put this series behind me forever. The ‘Fifty Shades’ trilogy is aimed at women. It’s not exactly a guy thing. That’s not to say guys can’t pick the books up and enjoy them. They just aren’t the intended target audience.

I’ll admit it. I tried it. Not necessarily by choice. OK, technically by choice, but only because I was about to hop on a plane from Vegas for four hours and this series was at the freaking height of its popularity. I’m a pop culture guy. If something catches fire with the general public (unless it involves the words ‘Honey Boo Boo’ or ‘Jersey Shore’), I’ll at least check it out. So, needing something to pass the time in the air, I picked up the first book at the airport (top five most awkward purchases of my life), made it to the first sex scene between Christian Grey and whoever the girl is, and stuffed it in my bag. Couldn’t do it.

But Ryan Gosling is one of my two favorite actors (Daniel Craig being the other). I go and see his movies. Period. I don’t care what they’re about. I own ‘The Notebook.’ Do something about it. Have you seen ‘Blue Valentine?’ I bet you haven’t. It’s depressing as s**t, but it’s a great movie. What about ‘Lars and the Real Girl?’ ‘Half Nelson?’ Didn’t think so. Go see Gosling’s indie movies if you want to see how talented of an actor he is.

Anyway, the point is, if Gosling accepts the part of Grey, I’m going to have to go see all of these movies. How these books will even be converted into movies given the explicit sexual nature is anybody’s guess, but be sure it’s going to happen.

Ryan…please don’t do this to me. Every woman already loves you. Literally every single woman in the world. You can have any woman you want (a statement that doesn’t hold quite as much weight considering you already have Eva Mendes…). You don’t need to do this. Especially if the freaking Twilight girl ends up being the ‘Fifty Shades’ girl, too (she’s way too good at playing the helpless, useless, excessively pale female…). Please have a busy schedule. Please let Eva talk you out of it. I don’t want to see your dick. Or your ass. I’m not that big of a fan of you. Apparently there’s something called the “red room of pain” in this series. DON’T GO INTO THE RED ROOM OF PAIN, RYAN!

Go make a sequel to ‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’ instead. Do anything but ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’

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