Originally written on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 11/19/14

Gross. This video makes me physically ill, but I still can’t turn away from this quivering blob of lard trying – and failing – to shag fly balls in the outfield before an A’s game just prior to being suspended 50 games for jamming syringes into his undoubtedly rash-covered backside.

And why is he wearing a hoodie before a day game in Oakland? His teammates are all wearing short sleeves and shorts, while Bartolo looks like he’s all set to go cross-country skiing across the Siberian wilderness. It’s probably like 75 degrees outside, and Colon already must be a sweaty pig just on principle, right? So when he’s rocking a sweatshirt and running around like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck, he must be borderline drowning in his own filth and excrement.

He’s so worn out from giving a half-assed effort on a fly ball in front of him (which me misses terribly) that he can’t go back on a ball over his head just a few seconds later.  I felt a little bad initially, and I almost wanted to give him a hug because he looks so sad and lonely, until I realized that he probably smells like he just came back from rummaging through a landfill in search of a half-eaten piece of cake to shove into his face.

Bartolo Colon is on the short-list of grossest human beings on the planet, rivaled in sports only by Tony Siragusa and that thing on the side of Drew Brees’ face. Colon way win out because I can’t get the image of him shoving a needle into his ass out of my head.

Quick side note: My brother used to work the overnight shift at the front desk of a hotel. The late night maintenance guy was from the Dominican, and the two of them got talking one day about Dominican baseball players and how they’re viewed when they’re on the island. The guy said that Pedro Martinez was revered, and was perhaps the most popular player in the whole country.

As for Bartolo? He’s apparently overtly gay. Completely out of the closet. Walks down the beach shirtless holding hands with his partner.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Still, if it’s true, it comes as a little bit of a shock right? The Dominican guy at the hotel could just have been making it up so he could tell his buddies later that he confused the white guy working at the front desk, but it seems like an odd thing to just make up on the spot.

Yet, if it’s true, how has it not made it back to America? Isn’t that the sort of story that Jeremy Schaap would LOVE to speak slowly about? Or that Bob Ley would love to link to steroids (“Steroids. Homosexuality. What’s the connection? What don’t we know? This…is Outside the Lines.”)

I don’t know the truth. Don’t shoot the messenger. All I know is that when you type in “Bartolo Colon g” on google, “Bartolo Colon gay” is the second thing that pops up. That has to mean something, doesn’t it?

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