Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 6/8/12

R.A. Dickey went seven and a third innings with no runs and eight Ks as he dueled Wang.  Dickey vs. Wang was the greatest sword fight since Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme both arrived at the same tanning salon in the late 80′s.  In this game, surprisingly there weren’t that many dribblers through the vas deferns.  Streamers would have to wait until later in the day with Leake.  The game started with the Nats putting a giant zipper in the outfield for each pitcher’s entrance.  Then the knuckleballs came early and often and showed a polished Dickey. Wang didn’t go very deep, but fans who came got an afternoon delight.  Dickey now leads the league in wins with 9 to go along with 78 Ks, 1.08 WHIP and a 2.44 ERA.  When Dickey’s on the mound, urine in trouble.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  For a while there, I was saying to Sell him, but it’s like saying to sell Capuano or Dickey.   Are they at the peak of their value?  Probably.  Are you getting what they’re worth in a trade?  Nope.  It’s like when the Gregg Jefferies rookie card was at $9.  I had like 100 of them.  I was talking about how my family would retire and we’d open a carnival in our new mansion’s parking lot simply to subsidize our new lifestyle that was made possible by Jefferies.  Hey, I was eleven at the time.  But no one would buy a Jefferies rookie card for $9 and you were stuck holding them until they were worthless.  That’s Lynn, Capuano, Dickey and any other player that you know you’re supposed to sell, but can’t find a buyer.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 12.  You know how you were trying to figure out which flyer at corner infidel was the one to take in the end rounds of your draft?  If you’re still wondering, you don’t own Freese.

Jaime Garcia – To the DL with a shoulder strain on his pitching arm.  Luckily, St. Louis is the patron saint of renovating washed-up vets and borderline pitching prospects.  If only Baltimore hadn’t snapped up Moyer!

James Russell – 0 IP, 1 ER as he came into a winning game in the 8th inning.  Whatever, I dropped him in a shallow mixed league.  I don’t need saves that bad.  No idea what Sveum’s doing.  He probably doesn’t know what he’s doing.  No matter how close Sveum is to “Save um” there’s still an A-hole.

Elian Herrera – 0-for-2 with 2 BBs and 2 runs and a RBI.  That line is also known as “Why it’s good to hit 2nd.”

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Aw, he was feeling left out of the veteran starters that no one wants to own game.  C’mon, Millwood and Colon, let him get some unwanted attention!

Yoenis Cespedes – Left the game in the 1st inning with a hamstring injury.  Too bad it wasn’t his foot since he has 4 of those to spare.

Coco Crisp – Slam and legs with a triple to spare and 4 RBIs.  He’s still hitting his weight which is really something you only want guys like Fielder and Ortiz to do.  He’s probably a better bet for all-around stats than some SAGNOF (Campana) but isn’t worth dropping some of the hotter SAGNOF like Rajai or Quintin for.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. 1.85 ERA at home, a 3.94 ERA in away games, and a 0.00 ERA in games played after McCarthy roots out all commies.

Brian Matusz – 2 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners.  Our new writer, Jaywrong, just went over his Matusz fantasy.  There was only three doodie references, from what I read.  Do better, Jaywrong!  Matusz had four solid starts in his last five and his K-rate had been near 9 during that stretch before this Red Sox game.  I wouldn’t own him outside of AL-Only leagues yet, and in deep mixed leagues I’d press the eject button pretty quickly if he resorts back to the starter we saw last year — you know, the starter that had the worst ERA in the history of baseball for over 60 IP.  But, keep in mind, he beat out Halladay for that dubious honor, so it’s not the kiss of death.  It’s more like the outside-the-sweater-petting of death.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with a homer, but all anyone wanted to talk about was Bryce Harper’s 0-for-4.  Member when Zimmerman was the talk of Washington?  He’s now not even 2nd fiddle.  What fiddle is he?  Harper, Strasburg, Gio, Morse, then him?  That’s more fiddles than Charlie Daniels tours with.

Clay Buchholz – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his last three starts, he’s thrown 24 IP and only given up 4 runs.  He gives his rediscovered changeup as the reason for the newfound success.   Cool, now there’s a 2nd commercial break for his movie of the week.  “After the break, Clay changes things up and meets the girl of his dreams.”  The reality of the situation is he’s never had a xFIP below 4 or a K-rate over 7 since 2008.  I didn’t like him this year, but even I didn’t think he was a 9 ERA guy as he was sporting at the end of April.  There’s a long way down from a 9 ERA to a 4 ERA.  If you wanna ride the ERA down, go for it, but I don’t think it’s going to be clear sailing to 4.  I.e., There will be another commercial break where things get bumpy again.  “After the break, Clay confronts Josh about him climbing out of his girlfriend’s window.”

David Price – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks as he battled CC Sabathia (7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks).  It was the first seesaw match that Sabathia’s ever lost, and I’m not talking about on the baseball field.

Norichika Aoki – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and two homers.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Quick hint:  I’m not saying to sell him.

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and another steal.  Elsewhere, Mike Fontenot went 3-for-4.  From the files of Tim Kurkjian Didn’t Even Know This Trivia:  Theriot and Fontenot combined for the most hits in one day by two guys whose last names rhyme since the 2001 tandem of Juan Pierre and Barry Bonds.  Though, we’re translating their names to Peter and Cheater.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) & legs (12).  Dan Brown’s favorite subject is quietly having a solid season.  He has his hitting streak up to 15 games to bolster his .321 average.  Maybe the Giants can acquire John Lannan, bleach his skin and have him throw rose petals at Angel Pagan’s feet.  What, Dan Brown’s the one with the albino fetish, I’m just continuing it.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  I mentioned this yesterday (I think; I don’t know, I write like 2000 words a day about fantasy baseball.  I’ve officially gone crackers.  Someone at Starbucks asked me if I wanted my mochachino with whip and I told them Saltalamacchia’s not a pitcher, so there’s no WHIP.), but Blanco’s hot again.

Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4.  Hmm… Is it too late for me to tell you to Buy him for cheap?  It might be.  Oh, well.  I’m not perfect.  For instance, I haven’t washed my bathroom towels in 12 years.  I don’t think there’s any reason to, either.  I’m clean when I’m using them.  If anything, I clean them every day I get out of the shower and dry myself with them.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 13th homer, while batting .323 with 49 RBIs.  We here at Razzball like to tease Miggy by calling him Swiggy and saying the only thing that exceeds his BA is his BAC, but if there was any question about when I ranked him number one the last two years (only to move him in 2011 because of an injury that proved no hindrance and in 2012 when Braun’s mail was returned to sender), it looks like Miggy is the number one ranked guy for 2013.  I only say this because I don’t own him anywhere and am doing anything I can to jinx him.

Andrew Cashner – Will start on Saturday, throw around 3 innings, then go to the minors for a month.  That end part is the only thing Scherzer is missing.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-5 with two solo homers.  Just as Dusty drew it up in Spring Training.  Play Ludwick for 39 games, then in his 40th game he’ll carry the Reds to a 5-4 loss.  Dusty said, “I can’t take all the credit.”  Then he slyly looked at his toothpick.

Aroldis Chapman – Entered a tie game and gave up back-to-back doubles and allowed his first earned run.  After the whole ordeal with his girlfriend, he just doesn’t like anything tied up.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks.  That’s about the ugliest 5 inning, one earned run start you’re gonna find.  Gary Glitter wouldn’t even touch this Minor.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, and two solo homers.  Now up to 8 homers, but still only batting .246 and his expected average isn’t much better.  His massive potential makes me want to say he’s a buy low, but the numbers aren’t confirming it.  He really needs to curb his Ks and get back to taking a walk.  Where’s Tom Emanski?  Maybe he can talk to him.  Or Fred McGriff, he’d work.

Derek Holland – To the DL with shoulder fatigue on the heels of a stomach virus.  Kind of like how the shoulder on the NJ Turnpike is a mess when there are issues in the Holland Tunnel.

Alexi Ogando – Will take Holland’s rotation spot on Sunday, but is only planning on going five innings at most.  Ogando to Holland, I think that was the succession plan in some African country after WWII.  Ogando’s hard to pinpoint for projections.  He’s shown a solid K-rate out of relief, but he wasn’t that incredible with Ks in the rotation last year.  If he stays a starter because Holland’s shoulder turns into a major issue, Ogando could give a mid-3 ERA and 7 Ks per 9.  In most mixed leagues, I could see grabbing Ogando if you’re looking to catch some lightning in a bottle like the guy who thought he’d one up Ben Franklin.  No one one-ups Ben Franklin!

Yu Darvish – 6 H, 6 BB, 6 ER (in 5 1/3 IP).  Luckily, he had 4 Ks instead of 3 to avoid being satanic and racist.

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