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BIG3 Ref Hotline Bling: James White slams the phone down
James White still has hops. Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

BIG3 Ref Hotline Bling: James White slams the phone down

Last year, the NBA started a hotline where players can call to talk about officiating, argue about fines and, if you’re Kelly Olynyk, accidentally dislocate the phone from the wall because you’re dialing so hard. Following suit, the BIG3 has also created a phone number for its veteran 3-on-3 legends (and Xavier Silas) to blow off steam about the officials.

Yardbarker has obtained exclusive communications from the BIG3 office, which are totally real and not at all made up by our correspondent. We know when that hotline blings, it can only mean one thing: Trilogy is dialing up another game-winning play.

Trilogy vs. Everybody 

Dear Al Harrington and James White,

We want to commend your team on clinching a playoff berth in just the fifth week of play! Trilogy is undefeated and simply trouncing opponents week after week. At this point, you’re not just defeating teams — you are slowly crushing their spirits, as we saw with the game-winning play this week. 

Up 15 points, Kenyon Martin threw an alley-oop to backdoor-cutting Mr. White, and that was it. Now, we can’t take Mr. Harrington’s suggestion and “makes us play someone harder” — most available past-their-prime veterans are already signing with the Cavs — but we do have some suggestions on how you can make games more competitive for the remainder of the regular season.

  1. Rashad McCants only takes left-handed four-pointers for the first half.
  2. K-Mart plays while a tattoo artist is covering up some regrettable art on his neck.
  3. James White is only allowed to dunk, and he has to do it from the free throw line.
  4. Al Harrington has to spend the morning before the game drinking with his former coach, Don Nelson.
  5. Coach Rick Mahorn plays a minimum of 12 minutes and always brings the ball up.

These suggestions should bring your margin of victory back down into single digits, though against 3’s Company that’s no guarantee.

Triumphantly yours, BIG3 Hotline

Michael Sweetney vs. Kwame Brown

Dear Michael and Kwame,

Congratulations for making BIG3 history this week! Fourteen is the most combined fouls for any two opponents in a game, which was especially impressive since the game only lasted 23 minutes. Unfortunately, we were unsuccessful in lobbying the NBA to get rid of its foul limit, too.

Kwame, we agree that your skills might be NBA-worthy if you were allowed unlimited fouls inside. You’ve had seasons where you’ve averaged almost six fouls per 36 minutes, and you could have gotten more playing time if you weren’t sitting out as much. Unfortunately, there’s no chance that the NBA will get rid of free throw shooting as well, so you’re in trouble there. Two weeks after airballing a free throw, you went 1-6 from the line, which means you lost 10 potential points. Maybe they can add bumpers to the side of the rim, like when little kids bowl.

As for you, Michael, most of the fouls were from your inability to handle Kwame inside. In terms you can understand, he roasted you. You got cooked on the block. Kwame ate your lunch. The team feasted inside because you couldn’t stop him. 

At one point, Coach Allen Iverson was caught on mic yelling, “If you gonna foul that mother------, foul him!” Even your fouling was subpar! But you’re not hurt by the foul limit as much as you are by full-court basketball. The NBA is never going to switch to a half-court format, and honestly, it’s not clear that half-court is short enough. Maybe a quarter-court would fit with your fitness level better?

Sincerely yours, BIG3 Hotline

Mo Evans vs. Joe Smith


Mo Evans was dealt from the Ghost Ballers. Jeremy Brevard/USA TODAY Sports

Dear Mr. Evans,

We saw your complaint about the Ghost Ballers' recent addition of Joe Smith, and believe me, the league is concerned. We know that he made an illegal deal when he signed with the Minnesota Timberwolves, a deal that led to them forfeiting four first-round picks. Now, he slides into the Ghost Ballers roster, and obviously, it raises red flags.

However, the BIG3 rules are different. Smith had to sign minimum deals in order for Minnesota to get his Bird rights so they could give him a larger deal later. The BIG3 only has Birdman rights, which allow teams to go over the salary cap to sign Chris “Birdman” Andersen. And the salary cap isn’t a limit — it’s an actual cap, worn by Rick Barry when he was recovering from hair transplant surgery. The cap has little slips of paper that show what salary each player gets and also which Hogwarts house they belong in.

Mr. Evans, you may know more about this attempted chicanery after the trade that sent you away from the Ghost Ballers. Since you were dealt for Larry Hughes, who isn’t even playing for the Ballers, it may have simply been roster manipulation to get Joe Smith. We are looking into the details, and if something is amiss, they’ll face a series of disciplinary measures, including forfeiting their headbands, limited Bengay supplies or even the worst punishment of all: adding Steve Francis to their roster.

Transactionally yours, BIG3 Hotline

DMX vs. Halftime

Dear Mr. X,

It was extremely difficult to understand what your message said due to your deep, raspy voice and constant shouting of “WHAT?” However, we are pretty sure that you wanted to “open up shop” with a BIG3 of music. And that is a wonderful idea!

Your halftime performance this weekend was inspiring and made us wonder. If America can rally around a league of guys who peaked 15 years ago, why can’t the music world do the same? One problem is that groups are hard to keep together, but that’s why there would be a draft. Think of it: Master P links up with Grandmaster Flash. Mark Morrison joins the Ruff Ryders — you guys already share a defense attorney! And if Better Than Ezra merged with Marcy Playground, they’d have a whopping two hit songs to play.

Let’s make the halftime show at the BIG3 final something to remember. We can call it “Ballapalooza.” Give us a call and we will set it up! Actually, on second thought, just text us.

Shut em down, BIG3 Hotline

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