Originally written on Next Impulse Sports  |  Last updated 11/19/14

The NBA is Don Draper’s dream client. It’s the sports league with the most visible stars. And it needs an image makeover every few years. (And it’s so much easier to sell than Jai Alai!)

Don Draper has convinced people to buy many things. He’s a firm believer in the power of consumerism. Draper has sold cigarettes, carosels, airplanes, and snowballs. But could he sell season tickets?

Even worse, could he sell season tickets for lottery teams? Scouring NBA websites, I’ve found the current slogans and ticket pitches for some of the worst teams in the NBA.

What would lottery team’s pitches look like if Don Draper was in charge?

Charlotte Bobcats:

Current Slogan: “Let’s Tear it Up!”

New Slogan: “Carolina Bobcats: It’s History.”

Don’s Analysis: “First off, your slogan is terrible. You are losers. And are there even any Bobcats in the state? You have one thing: Michael Jordan. Make people forget your terrible 2011 season. Associate yourself with the good things about basketball in your state. Change your name to Carolina. You’ll be associated with Jordan, Smith, Coach K. You have history. Make sure you write it your way.

Brooklyn Nets:

Current Slogans: “Bridges will be Crossed; Hello Brooklyn”

New Slogan: “Brooklyn Forever”

Don’s Analysis: “You’re not riding in to Brooklyn on a white horse. You’re coming in on a lame mule. No Dwight Howard and probably no Deron Williams. Brooklyn demands respect. Fortunately, Jay-Z gives you some credentials. On opening night bring in Jay-Z, Mike D, and Ad-Rock. They perform a mashup of Empire State of Mind and No Sleep till Brooklyn. On the screen are images of everyone you should know from the town: Biggie, Woody Allen, Jackie Robinson, Jerry Seinfeld, etc. Everyone whose anyone should be sitting court side. Tell Chris Christie and his crappy Izod Center to shove it. You’ve come to greener pastures. Make sure you pay tribute.”

Washington Wizards:

Current Slogan: “Join the 2012-13 Rookie Class”

New Slogan: “Your Choice. Your Town. Your Team. Vote Wizards 2012″

Don’s Analysis: “With RGIII in town, you’ll be relegated to fourth team status for the near future. Piggyback as much as you can off of this election season. Give people a choice of seats, of games, and which player they want to have lunch with. Make them choose you. Yes, Trevor Booker will be having lunch with one of your fans.”

Sacramento Kings:

Current Slogan: “Let the Fun Begin”

New Slogan: “Hold Court with Kings”

Don’s Analysis: “The Maloof brothers haven’t been the best of owners. And it’s not fun being a Kings fan right now. You need to treat your fans like royalty. Keep your fans at the table.”

New Orleans Hornets:

Current Slogan: “NOLA: I’m In”

New Slogan: “Can You Hear the Buzz?”

Don’s Analysis: “You’re not a riverboat casino. You’re a professional franchise. Act like one.”

Minnesota Timberwolves:

Current Slogan: “Everyone is Talking About the Wolves”

New Slogan: “Let’s Run”

Don’s Analysis: “Internet chatter is fickle. Today your being talked about. Tomorrow ‘Bieberfever’ is the trending topic. Talk is cheap. Your fans have been waiting too long. Tell them you are ready to move to the next step, and quickly.

Toronto Raptors:

Current Slogan: “The Shot Clock is Ticking”

New Slogan: ” The Bite is Back”

Don’s Analysis: “I know Canadians. Basketball is not their thing. They can wait more than 24 seconds, as you imply with the shot clock. Show off your draft picks, show off your players. Show that your not just the team from up north. You’re Dinosaurs. Be ferocious.”

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