The following is the secret conversation between Orlando Magic General Manager Otis Smith and Golden State General Manager Larry Riley. This conversation was taken without the permission of either party and all distribution is subject to testicular torture, or even worse, five minutes in a sauna with Big Baby rubbing all up on you while LMFAO serenades you in the background.
Otis Smith: Larry, tis I Sir Otis of Orlandee.
Larry Riley: Oh heavens! Otis, you old scoundrel. I was just treating myself to spot of tea after a weekly bath. So nice to see you. What brings you around these parts?
Otis Smith: Do you have a minute of your time in which I can make an inquiry?
Larry Smith: Yes. Yes, but do be quick. I’m afraid my tea shall get cold if I’m too long. I must keep up. It fends off the plague.
Otis Smith: I have come to ask for your assistance in the trade of players who represent our fair squads.
Larry Riley: Simply delightful! I see you’ve come full collar on the idea of trading us Sir Dwight?
Otis Smith: I’m afraid not. In fact, I’ve developed quite the counter proposal for you.
Larry Riley: And what, pray tell, might that be?
Otis Smith: We will send you Master Hedo Turkoglu…
Larry Riley: Oh bloody hell
Otis Smith:…along with His Majesty Ryan Anderson…
Larry Riley: Continue. If you must.
Otis Smith:…and Lady Redick, for Master Monta Ellis and whatever fecal matter you wish to deflect from your roster.
Larry Riley: (Sternly speaking, but rather hot under the collar) You come in my chambers, speaking as a friend, and offer me a simple commoner like Master Turkoglu for one of my best players?
Otis Smith: Commoner? Commoner? That commoner happens to be the most accomplished basketballer to ever step foot out of the Ottoman Empire. That’s no commoner.
Larry Riley: Your words reek of desperation. Your offer is not suitable for mere peasant, much less the Golden State. I shall call your bluff.
Otis Smith: (quietly muttering) Then I shall leave, and not return. It seems my friend has turned his back on me in my time of need.
Larry Riley: You mustn’t break up over this. It’s merely business, and no rightful businessman would agree to such asinine terms. Friend or no.
Otis Smith: (slumping his head, and jerk it up) PLEASE! LARRY. I BEG OF YOU. WE’VE BROKE BREAD TOGETHER!
Larry Riley: AND I SHALL NOT BREAK BREAD WITH YOU AGAIN IF YOU DON’T LEAVE NOW. This conversation is over. It was over before it began. I bid you farewell.
Otis Smith: (Deflated) As do I.
Larry Riley: And Sir Otis.
Otis Smith: Yes.
Larry Riley: MY offer stands.
Otis Smith: Farewell.