Found September 21, 2012 on Purple Jesus Diaries:
Cover Your Eyes, Children! Here's what you would be doing if you loved your children this Sunday. Instead of sitting them down in front of the San Francisco 49ers and Minnesota Vikings football game, you would instead tell them that you love them, that you care for them, and that you want them to live a better life than what you have lived. That life includes transgender strippers, killing a man during a hit and run, and being a Vikings fan. More than anything, you don't want him to suffer through these atrocities and scaring life moments like you have, ESPECIALLY the 0-4 Super Bowl record. So you'll take him to the Mall of America, maybe, and let them go crazy on some rides. Or take the morning and afternoon at that kooky Renaissance Festival, and have them ride an elephant, buy them a wooden sword and shield, and stuff their little face with corn on the cob and a piping hot funnel cake. Or think small! Take them out to that playground that's been neglected in the back yard and listen to the warming laughter from a child as you push them higher and higher in a swing. It will be glorious! There will be no cares in the world! And best of all, you won't have to let your children know what it's like to see a grown man cry after the 49ers firmly place their gold digging picks straight into the Vikings' brown spiders. Keeping them from seeing that is probably the greatest gift a parent can give. But we all know that's not going to happen, so grab your tissues and baby wipes, because things are about to get messy. Thanks to Ya Think from Rube Chat for another, and the season's first, great game preview graphic! Damn, the 49ers Be Good: Guys, I hate to break it to you, but this team is really good. I mean, they're like really good. They were really good last year when they donkey punched the Saints and put up a hell of a game against the eventual Super Bowl champs, New York Giants. Jim Harbaugh is a total badass, and it really pisses my pants that the 49ers get him and he turns around that crap hole team in one season, while we are paddling upstream with a hole in our boat and Leslie Frazier with the map. JESUS CHRIST. Patrick Willis is pretty much the scariest person on this planet outside of Rosie O'Donnell, Alex Smith is a **** face but ends up being a pretty good redemption story, and Vernon Davis likely has a bigger dong than Shiancoe. Think about that for a second. Also, their unis are sweet (ours aren't), they've beaten more NFC North opponents this year than we have in the past two, and they aren't coming to screw around. Even though their 2012 offensive and defensive ranking numbers appear pretty close to the Vikings' numbers on paper, don't kid yourself. They are going to punch our stomachs so hard that he **** internal organs for a week. And there's pretty much nothing we can do about it. Get Your 84 Jersey's Out: In case you haven't heard, Super Bowl Homeboy is coming back home this week. Randy Moss is of course a 49er this season, and after his disastrous run as a Vikings again in 2010 thanks to Brad Childress being a control freakout dick nose, the Prodigal Son once again will return. In preparation for his return, many reporters have been scouring Moss for some type of quote that they can add to his infamous collection. Thus far though, he's been pretty tight lipped. In interviews done with Bay Area reporters and filtered over at the Star Tribune, Moss has pretty much only talked about how highly he holds Percy Harvin in his respects, and how much he'll always be thankful for Dennis Green and Minnesota for taking a chance on him, but that's all history and it's onto the future now. And as much as I want him to look me straight in the eye and say, "Don't worry, home boy, I'll always be a Viking in my heart, and I'll kiss you on the neck, too," I know that's not realistic anymore. And I'm OK with that now. I'll still cheer his ass super loudly when he faux-moons the crowd this weekend (fingers crossed!) and will be cheering for him to get a Super Bowl ring this year. Can We Expect Some Favre Dong Magic? You know you're secretly hoping for it. But just to quell any early excitement, no, no Favre is not coming back and dong slinging a game winning touchdown as time expires this weekend. Nor is Christian Ponder, for that matter. Oh, sure, he may finally throw a pass further than 20 yards down-field, which would KIND of be like some dong magic, but this'll only happen if his receivers get open. Which they won't. Also, the Vikings would actually need to be in a position at the end of the game where a touchdown would be enough points to beat the 49ers, and I think we can all agree that having that happen sounds like a pretty laughable occurrence. But maybe we can conjure up some other magic? With the White Walkers and Dragons around, it's pretty clear that magic is returning to the world, so maybe it'll happen. Maybe some shirtless magic? Or some greenery magic? Or some "Chris Returning from the Dead" type magic? Not miracle, magic. Get it straight. We'll probably need ALL of this magic to return this weekend if we want a fighting chance to win, so keep stirring your cauldron of baby heads. A little extra wishing can't hurt.  Dolan of the Week: To my surprise, there was some distant rumbling of people who were saddened by not seeing a Dolan comic last week. I know, my friends, I was too. But don't worry, because it's not like there wasn't a Dolan comic last week. Truth is, accualy iz Dolan. Dolan is always around you, even when you think he's not. He's a creep and piece of **** like that. As an aside, I read Matt Ufford's (KSK creator, use to write for Warming Glow, now at SB Nation) AMA over on Reddit this week, and he talked about how his favorite meme right now iz also Dolan. I mean, Ufford's a reasonably intelligent man and a good writer, so I figure I'm doing something right.  Scotch of the Week: Seriously, have any of you even bothered to purchase a bottle of scotch that I've recommended? Not that it matters, but I'm just wondering. I could probably talk about the same bottle every week and you would never know the difference, because you never go out and buy one. Doesn't matter. This week though, we're going to take a look at the Cragganmore - Distiller's Edition. Consider it the Marianne Graves of the scotch world, as it has a nice golden, tawny color to it. The experience of smelling it is the same when you go down on a chick and get too close to her butthole ... complex, for sure, because it smells so good and so off putting at the same time, with even hints of candied apples, and cherries. That's probably the perfume she used to cover up the reek of her open crotch soar. It tastes way better than that though, like you're drinking liquid fire, with it sometimes coming across even a bit tough and spongy. Mainly, you'll notice hints of delicious maltiness, well balanced citrus flavors, and even a bit of toffee at the end, like a nice Christmas snack. Overall, it finishes well balanced, but a bit musty, which coincidentally is what your mom's panties smell like. Shirtless Viking of the Week: We had a great Shirtless Vikings submission this week from reader @Qommie, as she tracked down essentially a portfolio of shots from Minnesota Vikings safety Harrison Smith. The best news of all? You get to see the always elusive Shirtless Back Shot of a player! Look at those rippling shoulder muscles, the curved spine coiling like a viper ready to strike! How homo erotic! Anyway, I added this and another front shot that shows where Smith washes his clothes out (hint: on his steel cut abs) over in the Shirtless Vikings photo gallery that we now have up. If you haven't checked it out yet, do so today, but be sure to lock your office door, because that's a tough one to explain to your boss, on why you're spanking it mid-day to pictures of football players. Or maybe not. I guess I don't know your boss. Terrified Predictions: My official prediction for this game is nothing pleasant. In fact, when thinking about how this game plays out, several popular memes come to mind, including "YOU GONNA GET RAPED" and "PREPARE YOUR ANUS." Do I want neither of these things to happen? Do I hope that the Vikings win, by cheating their way to the top? Do I want the backups to all play this week so that our favorite players aren't left to slaughter out on the field after the 49ers are done with them? Of course, to all of that. But I have to be realistic here and let you all know that **** is about to go down, and it's going to get pretty offensive. Frankly, I'd cut myself at some point during the game if for no other reason than that the pain will distract you from the emotional turmoil you'll be feeling from the field action. So far, I'm a perfect 2-0 on predicting how badly **** is going to get this season, so I've shown a pretty healthy track record in figuring out how things will turn out. Gotta trust me on this one, guy. In the end, while I honestly do think the team is going to come out and play fairly inspired this week after a bad loss last week and a pep talk from Antoine Winfield, it still won't be enough. The game will likely be closer than an all out bloodletting, but we're still losing a TON of life force this weekend. 49ers win, 34-17.  Best of luck to all of those who watch it this weekend. I will be traveling through the weekend so won't be able to share in your misery. I do have a game thread set to post Sunday morning if anyone wants to wipe their tears in an internet blog thread instead of on their couch pillows. Feel free to join in and share. Otherwise, best of luck, and we'll recap on Monday. [follow]

Report: 49ers worked out Shawne Merriman

According to Aaron Wilson of, the San Francisco 49ers worked out free agent linebacker Shawne Merriman on Wednesday, but ended up signing Eric Bakhtiari while Clark Haggans serves his three game suspension. I’m not shocked at least one team has no taken a look at Merrman. I’m sure others have spoken to him as well, but I can’t imagine him getting signed by anyone...

Minnesota Vikings leave Adrian Peterson off injury report

The Minnesota Vikings' injury report looked much different for week three as they have finally left star running back Adrian Peterson off of the list.  After returning from an ACL injury that he sustained last season against the Washington Redskins, he was always listed as out or probable.  However, Peterson's injury is no longer a concern as he is "healthy"....

Brett Favre willing to reconcile with the Packers?

The day will soon come when Brett Favre and the Packers decide to play nice. The way their relationship ended was obviously less than ideal, but time heals all. When you consider the fact that Favre played 16 seasons with the Packers and brought Green Bay a Super Bowl, it would be crazy to think the feud will last forever. During a recent interview with ESPN’s Mike Tirico, Favre...

Peterson will have tough job against 49ers

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. Through eight months of rehab for a torn ACL, Adrian Peterson couldn't think of anything more than getting the chance to run the ball in a game again. Now that he has returned to the field, the Minnesota Vikings' top running back knows he can't do it alone.Preparing for Sunday' game at home against the stout San Francisco 49ers run defense, Peterson...

San Francisco 49ers vs. Minnesota Vikings prediction

Sunday the San Francisco 49ers take their Super Bowl caliber team to Minnesota to take on the Vikings. And although the Vikings are not an easy opponent to take on, the game certainly doesn’t have the hoopla surrounding it like the 49ers first two contests against the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions did. The atmosphere and tension heading into Sundays game against the Vikings...

Vikings LB Henderson out against 49ers

Minnesota Vikings linebacker Erin Henderson will miss the game against San Francisco on Sunday because of a concussion. Henderson was injured last weekend in Indianapolis. But symptoms did not start showing until the middle of this week. The Vikings kept Henderson out of practice all week while he eases his way back. His loss is a big one for a young and rebuilding Vikings defense...

Musgrave vows to get the ball downfield more

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. Quarterback Christian Ponder and the Minnesota Vikings' receivers have taken the brunt of the criticism for the team's lack of downfield passing over the first two weeks.Ponder has completed two passes that traveled more than 20 yards in the air during the first two games, both in the season opener against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Last week, Minnesota...

The 49ers do have one weakness

Pundits across the nation are hyping up The San Francisco 49ers, claiming that they’re the best team in the NFL. They continue from last year praising the defense but this year they are also applauding the offense for its improvement. The 49ers retained all 11 defensive starters and made big offseason additions at wide receiver and running back. They brought in Randy Moss and Mario...

Vikings' Allen laments lack of sacks

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. The way Jared Allen sees things, he believes he should have about three sacks already this season while facing young quarterbacks Blaine Gabbert and Andrew Luck through the season's first two weeks.Allen, who led the NFL last season with 22 sacks, is still without one and is left to wonder about the occasions in which he had quarterbacks in his grasp. Allen...

Why not denim? 49ers WR Michael Crabtree models most hideous vest ever (photo)

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Michael Crabtree may be a fashionisto — or whatever the masculine version of “fashionista” is — but even if that’s the case, the fact that he tweeted the above photo where he is modeling one of the most hideous and garish vests I have ever seen does him no favors [...]

WR Simpson excited to return to action

Jerome Simpson has been counting down the days until he can make a difference on the field and start practicing with the Vikings again. That day is drawing near.

49ers list Ted Ginn Jr., Brandon Jacobs as questionable

According to Matt Barrows of the Sacramento Bee, the 49ers have listed both wide receiver Tedd Ginn Jr. and running back Brandon Jacobs as questionable for this week’s game against the Vikings. 49ers punter Andy Lee is probable.

Fantasy Dreams 2012 – PJD’s Fantasy Football Week 2 Review

Do you think Minnesota Vikings players play fantasy football? It's a legitimate question, one where the answer would be telling. Not in just their simple "yes" or "no' response, but rather in seeing who they end up picking for their team. For instance, I'm sure they do. I remember big features in ESPN The Magazine where the showed the Minnesota Twins...
NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.