Originally written on The Sports Post  |  Last updated 5/26/13
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Would you buy RGIII a wedding gift? (Credit) Here at Juice This, we love a good excuse to cry, and RGIII’s wedding is giving us the chance thanks to his being a greedy SOB. Does he really need to keep all those gifts fans bought him? Does the right to purchase gifts for him come with your PSL? Probably costs as much from the looks of his registration list. Anyway, always remember, and you heard it here first, when it comes to these fans’ spending sprees on RGIII, Juice This has a prime directive: your relationship with your favorite team will last longer and run deeper than any relationship you’ll ever have with any significant other, ever. Significant others come and go (literally) but your favorite team is your favorite team is your favorite team. Sex can wait till after the game, even if you were, in this case, seduced by Dan Snyder. Also, we say goodbye to Brian Urlacher, hanging ‘em up after 13 years and an additional five months of realizing that no one wanted to pay the most-overrated player. Ever. Who can’t run anymore. Meanwhile, we’ll visit: Miami, where they are no longer worthy of a Super Bowl; and Carolina, where Cam Newton hopes to make as much money off the field as on it; and ‘NFL OTA’s USA,’ to check in on how the WWE is doing with its recruitment of recently cut NFL players. Oh, and check out the Bears’ schedule. It’s so disgustingly easy maybe they should’ve brought Urlacher back… …nah. *** PASS ME A HANKY I’m so happy for RGIII that I want to cry. But the overflow of fans who bought him gifts off his bridal registry proves one thing: there are some D.C.-area housewives and girlfriends wondering why they’re celebrating their anniversaries and birthdays at BKIII – Burger King, Burger King and Burger King (hey, the new BBQ chicken sandwich isn’t bad, but don’t quote me on that). But when the Redskins don’t make the playoffs next season, he’ll still have the gifts and the fans who bought and sent them will still have bookies chasing them down. *** NO MO’ MONEY, MIAMI Miami didn’t get the Super Bowls for which it was bidding. That means hookers, along Collins Avenue, will have to go to San Francisco and Houston those weeks, respectively. Much prefer the Buena Vista to Joe’s Stone Crab anyway. *** BYE BYE BRIAN (finally!) Brian Urlacher is retiring but hardly going away. The man who smirked at, laughed at, despised and chastised the media for 13 years, all of a sudden is the biggest media fan in the world. Since being dismissed by the Bears, he’s made two rounds with the media: one immediately after being released and now one since announcing his retirement. Two mornings ago. He’s been with: Dan Patrick, in print (S.I.) and on air; with every football writer in Chicago; with Mike & Mike on ESPN 2; and has actively supported Rush Limbaugh’s bid to get back into pro football. Urlacher has been as unable to avoid microphones as he was unable to get off blocks most of his career. It was easy to run unblocked sideline to sideline and make tackles when he had Tanked Johnson, Tommy Harass and human zeppelin Ted Washington in front of him. Yo, Brian, you haven’t gotten off a block since 2005! And that pole – uh, poll – in which they called you the most-overrated player – psst, think about it, dude. *** (Las Vegas) ODDS and (defensive) ENDS Sports Business News is proclaiming Cam Newton as a possible marketing star this season. Everyone else is thinking the Panthers will have to win five of their last six again to get to 7-9. That spells marketing brilliance if we ever saw it… The WWE is hanging out at NFL training camps trying to recruit whoever gets cut. Looking for the next Chief Wahoo McDaniels because we all know the next Brock Lesnar is not out there (thank God). Johnny Depp (a hardly authentic-looking Tonto), wasn’t interested either. And while the WWE has been unsuccessful in securing any recently cut players, Triple H and The Undertaker were signed to protect Tony Romo. From himself. And, who the hell do the Bears know in the NFL offices? Their first-half schedule is disgustingly soft. You saw it here: they will beat playoff weaklings Cincinnati and Minnesota at home to open the season and then they don’t see a playoff team for five weeks. They’ll be 6-1 (they’ll lose to either the Giants or the Saints) and the media will have them making Super Bowl reservations before they’ve even played the Packers once. Anyway, see you next week from Phoenix, Ariz., for the seventh anniversary of Dennis Green’s meltdown. By: Howard Schlossberg Twitter: @HSchlossberg Sign up for our newsletter for daily updates from The Sports Post!
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