7:00 Pm Central -
Pre-game show. I usually loathe these things, and probably will
loathe this one, but I need a steadying visual as I race myself to the
bottom of this first beer bottle. So hyped!
What the hell is Cee Lo Green doing adapting a Ramones song for the
NFL Network football lead-in? Is the NFL Network crazzzzzzzy? I
think they're crazzzzy.
"Blitzkrieg Pop" converted into a football song by a chubby man who
wears sunglasses indoors and has probably never watched a single down
of American Football in his entire adult life. Furthermore, he seems
to have borrowed Missy Elliot's discarded choice of outfits from the
“The Rain” video, where she wears a damn trash bag. Cee Lo looks and
sounds awful. Whoever came up with this idea should be fired. No,
drawn and quartered. You want a fat guy singing about football? Give
us god damn Blues Traveler. Not this garbage.
Chug Chug Chug.
How much coke did Michael Irvin snort before/during the pre-game show?
This should be a prop bet. Give me the over for $20.
Brian Urlacher is being asked about his knee. Here's what he wants to
say: "Nailing tight-bodied starlets on a steady rotation is the only
cortisone I will ever need. GAME TIME!"
Everyone in the pre-game show picked the Packers. Whatever. Let me
know when your balls drop, Deion.
I bet the Bears +5. Why? Because DA BEARS are winning this,
Kickoff! Finally. The Bears drill Randall Cobb at the 15 on the
return. And here we go.
My genitals are humming with anticipation. This is BEARS-PACKERS!!!
Tim Jennings breaks up a slant intended for Jordy Nelson on 3rd and 2.
Never name your son or daughter JORDY. I feel it is a unisex name.
Seriously, Jordy? Weak.
Cutler gets sacked on first down. Forte badly misses his block.
Bears run a safe draw on 3rd and 19, then punt.
FIGHT!!! Yes! Punch all the Packers!
Packers almost turn it over on the punt, as the ball bounces off a
blocker's leg before the Packers swallow it up at their own 29.
First down to Finley at the 45. Packers staying in the no-huddle.
A stretch play to Benson, who promptly gets arrested on a boat.
Rodgers torches the secondary to Jordy, down to the Bears 35.
Holding! 1st and 20 now. And Cobb gets banged up on the play. I'm
sure he'll be back though. They'll pump him full of Ivan Drago
steroids and call it good.
2nd and 16. SACK! Punishment and shame!! McClellin flies off the
edge and buries Rodgers at the 50.
Doink! Rodgers drops the ball while attempting to throw. Little less
lube next time, bro.
3rd and 4 now for the Bears at the 22. Get this sh*t!
Delay of game. 3rd and 9. The refs miss a possible hold of Forte.
Punt. Packers ball at their 35.
Benson picks up a first down, shedding a tackle, but still unable to
shed my undying hatred of him.
Jordy lets a ball slip through his unisex fingers deep down the
sideline. 3rd and 10.
Sack City, *****! Sack Sack City, *****! Peppers records his 101st
career sack. He is a large, large man. Not Cee Lo large. Athlete
Pass interference as Cutler goes deep to Kellen Davis. 1st down at the 44.
Uggh. Sack. Then a screen pass for a loss. 3rd and 22. F*ck it, Go Deep!
Bears run another "No Thank You" draw. Punt. Down at the 21.
Watching Benson get gobbled up in the backfield is a personal treasure for me.
Then Benson promptly rips off a 17 yard reception to shut me up,
followed by an 8 yard run. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!
Benson gashes our D for the 4th consecutive play as the Packers cross midfield.
Doink! Finley can't come up with a deep ball across the middle on 2nd down.
3rd and 3. Bears contain. Rodgers' throw is incomplete.
Nooooooo! Bears get absolutely screwed on a challenge, as the
replacement officials claim they had 12 men on the field. They did
Thanks again for the ref strike, clowns. Can we fast forward to
whenever the bumbling stooge that overruled the non-call on the field
is working part time at a Sunglasses Hut somewhere in the anonymous
bowels of a suburban Ohio mall again, so my beloved Bears don't have
to suffer from his trifling incompetence?
First down Green Bay. Jennings blows up a wide receiver screen to
James Jones for a loss of 1. Again, sign me up for Jennings' spin
class/power-walking/offseason co-ed kickball league. What a fine
specimen he has turned into.
Packers wind up settling for a 48 yard Crosby field goal. *3-0
Packers. Giant, game-long asterisk, officially in effect.
Hester returns the kick to the 37. Finally, some actual field
position. Use it!
This clown announcer, Mike Maycock, just referenced Mike Martz,
apparently failing to realize that Martz is no longer coaching the
offense into the ground. Do your homework, jabroni.
First down Bears. Michael Bush up the gut on 3rd and 1. Then another
first down, this time to Bennett.
They just showed Marshall's pre-game warm-ups. Man, I'd watch that
guy eat cereal in his bathrobe. I am mesmerized.
God damn it. Gabe Carimi picks up a bonehead late hit penalty,
retaliating against AJ Hawk. Drive killer. I hate everything to do
with the state of Wisconsin right now.
2nd and 25 now. Sack. Of course. I need another beer.
Punt. Mmm, beer.
Clay Matthews probably likes having his hair pulled in bed. A lot.
Just saying. Do a Pert Plus commercial or something, dude. Work it
if you got it, you know?
Green Bay converts on a 3rd and 7 to Cobb, up to the 42.
I'm doing a solo drinking game every time (announcer) slobbers through
his analysis. Is this Lou Holtz's son? I demand a paternity test!
Cobb in the backfield, gets the toss sweep and takes it all the way
down to the 11 on 3rd down.
Sack! Peppers. Unfortunately, Rodgers hangs onto the ball. Must
have wiped the lube off of his hands.
2nd and 17. 2:09 left in the first half.
Sack City, B*tch! Sack Sack City, B*tch! SACK SACK SACK and you down
at the 30, b*tch!
3rd and 26. Incomplete behind Cobb. Crosby from 45, and....
WTF? The Packers exploit a full-on Field Goal Block attempt by the
Bears and turn a 4th and 26 into a spirit-crushing touchdown on a flip
from punter Tim Masthay to reserve tight end Tom Crabtree. This was
the Chicago Bears’ Pearl Harbor. How does this happen? 4th and 26?!
Why are we going for an all-out block down *3-0 in the first half?
*10-0 Packers. I will drink rubbing alcohol and huff nail polish
before this night is over.
Bears ball, time for a two minute drill.
False start. This offensive line is an abortion right now.
Incomplete, out of bounds. But at least we realized Brandon Marshall
plays for the Chicago Bears. His first target of the night.
Yes! Forte wide open over the middle and takes it to the 36.
Incomplete. Almost intercepted. Followed by an actual interception.
Great. More beer. Now!
Briggs drop an interception of his own. Packers capitalize on this
missed opportunity and add another field goal. I want to build a
pillow fort, crawl inside of it and cry a bit. Just a little bit.
Halftime score: Packers *13, Bears - 0
No thoughts, just straight pulls from multiple beer bottles, and a
quick medicine cabinet scan of things to senselessly huff. I am
Bears ball. 3rd and 6 from the 24. Huge pick-up to Forte for 15
yards. First down at the 39.
Dropped interception. 3rd and 9. Timeout to avoid a delay of game.
Cutler has bypassed the Jay Cutler Face entirely and gone straight to
the Jay Cutler Murder
Total discombobulation from the Bears right now.
Another huge first down to Forte through the air, and the Bears cross
Bush powers for 9 on a 2nd and 10. Get this!
1st down on the play-action to Spaeth.
Forte getting worked on on the sideline. Possibly injured?
Drink. Drink. Curse.
3rd and 4 at the 28. Marshall can’t haul in a barely overthrown ball,
wide open in the end zone. Not a perfect throw by any means. But
when you’re 6-foot-5 and no one is near you, and you get both giant
hands on the ball, no excuses.
Bears are forced to settle for a 45 yard field goal from Gould. But
at least they’re on the board. *13-3 Cheeseheads.
Benson demolished on a 3rd and 1. Bears getting the ball back.
Forte is possibly out for the game with an ankle injury. No bueno.
Fortunately, we’ve got Bush behind him this year, not godforsaken
False start on a 3rd and 6. This is deplorable football.
3rd and 11. Interception. Earl Bennett just stood there waiting for
the ball. This isn’t an entitlement program. This is football. Get
That play was Johnny Knox-esque. Cutler deserves better. Even on a
miserable night where he is chucking the ball to the wrong team and
flexing his prodigious pout at the absolute zenith of his sullenness.
FUMBLE!!! Charles Tillman punches the ball out of Finley’s hands on
3rd and 6 at the cusp of the red zone. I jump on my 60-year-old
father. He gets upset. Bears football!
Forte officially done for the night. Chug-a-lug.
Hester drops a 1st down. Remember when he was our #1 receiver? Dark times, yo.
*13-3 Bad Guys after three quarters.
Packers across midfield. Benson over 100 total yards. I’m going to
have a hate stroke.
Screw it, I’m busting out of this rut with a WINE COOLER!!! Bartles &
Jaymes! This. Is. BEARS. Football.
Delicious. But Crosby drills a 54 yard field goal to put the Packers
up 16-3 with 11:37 left.
Brandon Marshall has 0 catches off of I believe 2 targets, including
his dropped touchdown.
And then Cutler promptly throws another interception. At least he
tried to get it to Marshall? Really reaching for positives here, of
which there are none.
Not even this sweet, refreshing Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler can erase
the palpable, metallic taste of my pain.
The Packers instantly capitalize with a touchdown strike to Donald
Driver, who may or may not have been my kindergarten teacher in 1987.
Another How Old Is Donald Driver moment of realization: Donald Driver
saw Favre’s strange wang pre-sexting and probably pre-internet.
*23-3 Packers. Can you get blackout drunk on wine coolers? This is a
I had to abstain from writing on offense. Bears fail to score, and
then Tim P-90X Jennings picks off Rodgers.
Then, naturally, this frothing turd of an offensive line, mostly
lukewarm leftovers from the Jerry Angelo regime, gives up yet another
BEARS BEARS BEARS. Touchdown! Kellen Davis on a 4th and 7.
Why didn’t Mike Martz utilize this 6-foot-7 Spartan behemoth? Did a
tight end steal his prom date in 1971? I wouldn’t trust Mike Martz to
manage an Applebees.
*23-10 Packers. Under 7 minutes to play.
Bears blow coverage on a 3rd and 11. We’re under 5 minutes to play now.
So, according to the announcers, Benson likes to play against Chicago
and “has a little something for them”. Oh, cool. You mean a fumble
in the Super Bowl and multiple arrests? Clown.
Openly discussing former Chicago running back busts with my dad now.
Somewhere out there, Rashaan Salaam is reading this at an internet
café after selling his Heisman Trophy for a sack of weed. All seeds
and stems, too. Thanks for the memories!
Cutler closes the game out by throwing yet another interception, his
4th of the game. The Bears lose to the hated Packers *23-10 and fall
to 1-1 and 0-1 in the ultra-competitive NFC North division.
What if our military was as bad as this Bears offensive line right
now? Would we all be speaking German? Russian? Would we have just
punched out back in 1812, handing our fledgling nation, and the
painting of George Washington Dolly Madison scrambled to save as our
Nation’s Capital burned, back to those damned Redcoats?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slink down into my parents’
unfurnished basement and simulate this game on Tecmo Super Bowl, rush
for 327 yards and 6 touchdowns with Neal Anderson, and drink a jumbo
glass of milk to stave off feverish nightmares of Cee Lo Green
adapting/horrifically butchering punk songs, nursery rhymes, gospel
hymns, and the U.S. Constitution, just for a paycheck and a life where
he never has to remove his sunglasses again, ever.
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