Originally posted on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 6/25/12

NEW YORK - JANUARY 25: Chris Jordan Staal #11 of the Pittsburgh Penguins skates against the New York Rangers on January 25, 2010 at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Penguins defeated the Rangers 4-2. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Scene: Somewhere in Ontario, JORDAN STAAL is getting married.

(This is actually of Marc Staal's wedding, but it;s a nice picture that I took from What's up, ya Sieve) 

JORDAN: Man, I’m so nervous…I don’t know if I should go through with this.

ERIC: Jordan, don’t be a frickin’ puss. There’s a million reasons you wanted to get hitched to this girl, right?

JORDAN: Yeah, but I’m all worried. I feel like I’m gonna barf all over the place or pass out or something. I’m all shaky and stuff. This must be how Chihuahuas feel all the time.

JARED:  Good thing I got crackers! See, that’s why I’m the best man.

MARC:  How are you the best man? You’re barely a hockey player.

JORDAN: Guys, I explained this like a thousand times. I didn’t want to choose between you guys, so I figured the only fair way was with the mud wrestling match, and Jared won, fair and square.

ERIC: He did not! I only slipped because the sun was in my eyes.

MARC: We did it at night, Eric. There was no sun. But you’re right—Jared played real frickin’ dirty and I want a rematch.

JARED: I played to win, *******. Sorry I’m not sorry. Sucks to suck.

JORDAN: Jared, could you get me some water, please?

JARED: Sure thing! (leaves)

ERIC: Jordan, if you didn’t want to choose between us, why didn’t you choose someone else to be your best man? Like, a teammate or whatever?

JORDAN: (thinks for a bit) Nah, I couldn’t make Sidney and Marc-Andre fight each other. Besides, I know if I asked him to be here, Max Talbot would give all of the bridesmaids herpes.

(JARED returns) JARED: Here’s some water, Jordan.

JORDAN: Thanks, dude. (SIDNEY CROSBY enters) SIDNEY!

ERIC: Watch your head!

CROSBY: Ha, ha! That’s funny because of my difficulties with concussions.

JORDAN: How was the trip?

CROSBY: It was fine. Sorry I’m late. It’s surprisingly easy to get lost around here. There’s nothing for a landmark for miles.

MARC: Why do you think we all got so good at hockey?  There has to be some way to get out of here.

CROSBY: I was just wondering why a family who’s so dedicated to hockey would have a wedding on draft weekend.

JORDAN: For the last time: Heather and I really wanted this place, and this was the only weekend that wasn’t during the season that was open. SO THERE.

ERIC: (makes whip cracking noise)

JORDAN: Shut up, wangnose.

MARC: It looks like people are all gathering and stuff. Should we head out?

JARED: You good to go, big boy?

JORDAN: Yeah…I think we’re ok. I have some crackers and water, I took a bit of a breather, my bros are by me. LET’S DO THIS ****! (They storm into place at the altar.)

(at the actual ceremony. JORDAN’s fiancée, HEATHER, is walking down the aisle.)

JORDAN: Holy ****, she’s damn beautiful.

JARED: Yes, she is. And I’m here being your best man because I am awesome.

MARC: I hate how weddings make me cry…I mean, uh, stupid allergies. All of these stupid flowers everywhere with their pollen and prettiness.

ERIC: Does anyone else have a really itchy butt?

CROSBY: Why would you say that in public?

ERIC: Holy ****, my butthole itches so much. All I can think about is how itchy my butthole is and how I can’t scratch it because I’m standing up here.

CROSBY: This is so inappropriate for a church.

MARC: And now my butthole’s starting to itch just from the power of suggestion.

(There are some prayers and such as ERIC’s phone buzzes. He checks it surreptitiously.)

CROSBY: You’re checking your phone? What are you doing?

MARC: What? We have to keep up with draft info and stuff.

ERIC: Dude…holy crap. Look at this: TSN says that Jordan just got traded to the Carolina Hurricanes Brandon Sutter, Brian Dumoulin and a first-round draft pick.

CROSBY: What? No way.

MARC: Way, dude.

ERIC: Holy **********! He and me are gonna wreck **** in the Southeast!

MARC: Does he know this?

CROSBY: I’m sure they would tell him but they’re leaving him alone BECAUSE IT’S HIS WEDDING.

ERIC: Do we tell him?

MARC: He should know.

CROSBY: Tell him at the reception.

MARC: But he should know!

CROSBY: AFTER the ceremony. AFTER.

JARED:  QUIET! We’re trying to have a wedding here, assmunches!


MARC: Kinda weird, though. Getting traded on your wedding day.

ERIC: I know. It’s all, like, ironical and whatever.

CROSBY: If either of you start singing Alanis Morrisette, I will punch you in the junk.

ERIC: What?

CROSBY: You have no idea how much I hate that song. It’s not ironic at all. It should be called “A list of things that suck.”

MARC: The lack of irony in a song called “Ironic” IS the irony. GOD!  Read a book, sucktard.

(The wedding concludes and the couple is happily married. The rest of the guys go to the reception.)

ERIC: Where the hell are they? Jordan needs to know.

MARC: Who tells him?

ERIC: I’m his new captain, so I guess I will. JORDAN! Get your ass over here.

JORDAN: We did it! Nobody freaked out and we got it done! I can relax a little, right?

MARC: Yeah, I just hope you enjoy never getting ******** ever again.


ERIC: Don’t listen to him—he’s just being an asshole. Listen, I got you the best wedding present EVER!

JORDAN: I hope this tops the Home Depot gift card, you cheap ************.

CROSBY: This is way better.

ERIC (to CROSBY): Don’t bogart my touching bro-to-bro moment, twatwaffle. (To JORDAN) TSN says you got traded…

JORDAN: Oh ****, not Edmonton.

ERIC: What?  No way. You’re going down to Raleigh with me.


ERIC: Yeah, dude, we’re gonna tear **** up! You and me!

JORDAN: I…(laughs) mother of crap! I can’t believe it!

ERIC: Who’s your best man now!

JARED: I heard that! Screw you, donkey puncher!

ERIC: Go spend some time over in Sweden because their ice is bigger and you need more conditioning, turdburgler!

CROSBY: Your family is so weird.

MARC: “Turdburgler” is weird?

ERIC: AND I got another surprise for you! (pulls out a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.)

CROSBY:...People still do icing?

MARC: Apparently.

JORDAN: *****************. I hate this game but I have to do it! (goes down on one knee) GROSS! It’s some diet mango acai ********!

ERIC: Welcome to the Hurricanes, bro!

Cult of Sport: Before there was Ezekiel Elliott, there was Eric Dickerson
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Art Briles sues Baylor officials for libel, slander

Giants FB has home vandalized with swastika, Trump's name

Raiders G Kelechi Osemele out Thursday with illness

Red Sox send Brewers $100 as final piece of Tyler Thornburg deal

Troy Aikman almost came out of retirement to play for the Eagles


Blues miss morning skate due to traffic in Brooklyn

Oregon president no fan of DC Brady Hoke

Carmelo blows off Jackson's ball hog remarks, looks 'annoyed'

Richard Sherman gives logical take on Cam Newton's benching

Sandoval's career fell 'into an abyss' after getting 'complacent'

Report: NFL believes Oakland ‘has no strong desire’ to keep the Raiders

Sporting life: Gifts for the fan who is always on point

Matt Ryan is now Mr. Pick-Two

MLB Winter Meetings report, Day 3: News, notes and rumors

Four stinkiest games remaining on the 2016 NFL schedule

Ten young NBA players developing into stars

TailGreater: Tips for bowl travelers

Ranking the single-player modes of the 2017 sports games

The 10 best sports docs available for streaming

Box Score 12/7: The date we got to know Bo

MLB Winter Meetings report, Day 2: News, notes and rumors

Ten most intriguing non-NY6 bowl games

Breaking down the NFL playoff picture heading into Week 14

NHL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Sporting life: Gifts for the fan who is always on point

The 10 best sports docs available for streaming

Matt Ryan is now Mr. Pick-Two

MLB Winter Meetings report, Day 3: News, notes and rumors

TailGreater: Tips for bowl travelers

Ranking the single-player modes of the 2017 sports games

The five best (and worst) times athletes hosted 'SNL'

The five must-have sports games of 2016

The five 2016 Heisman finalists: How do they measure up?

Sporting life: Gifts for real fans (that aren't ugly NFL Christmas sweaters)

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Follow Yardbarker