Originally written on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 11/17/14

I don’t really get ESPN: The Magazine’s Body Issue, but I’m working as hard as I can to make sense of it. ESPN is trying to compete with Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue, so they came up with their own way of getting attractive people close to naked and then pretending it has to do with sports? I think that’s pretty much the basis.

But then I went to ESPN.com, and this picture was on the homepage! For 10 full seconds I thought it was a picture of Sacha Baron Cohen! I had to leave ESPN and quickly go to another site, and then wash my eyes out with some sort of acidic chemical solution. I figured that either:

A. By the time I could see again after my eyes had healed, this picture wouldn’t be on the homepage of ESPN.com anymore or

B. I would just be blind and never have to worry about seeing this picture again

I was prepared to live with either option. Hope Solo in the Body Issue from a couple years ago? I understand that. But WAMBACH? I was already scared of her from that Gatorade commercial she does where she practically calls the girl from another team a little ***** for drinking water instead of G2 and then tries to have her way with her. Now I’ve got to see her looking like a Minotaur? It looks like they photoshopped Justin Bieber’s head from when he was really young onto A-Rod’s body.

This whole thing is just….this is just a lot to take in…

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