Originally written on Losers Bracket  |  Last updated 9/17/14

The opening ceremony of the Olympics are July 27.   Mr. Miyagi decided this is the year he is going to get excited about the Olympics.    To help the fellow losers get just as excited, I’ve decided to get you educated on some of our stellar USA Olympians.

Well, one in particular.  Lolo Jones.

Lolo will own this Olympics.  Why?

1.) Her name is cool as **** first of all, a marketing gem actually.  (Think what Apollo Ohno was to ice racing or whatever the hell you call it.  If his name was Jim Thomas he is a nobody.)   Lolo, Lolo, Lolo.

2.) It’s her last chance at gold.  Think Dan Jansen story.  She stumbled (literally) in 2008 in Bejing and will turn 30 August 5th, so it’s her last chance.  Americans love this kind of ****.  This will be HER Olympics.

3.) She barely qualified (she was 3rd place) in her sport the hurdles.  While the hurdles are not the media darling of Olympic sports and Lolo is not the favorite, I still predict she will kill it in the Olympics.  Ok, this isn’t really number 3.  Moving on…

4.)  She’s from IOWA.  Not some California groomed athlete.  Just gold ole’ Iowa.  Makes you feel like she could be your next door neighbor.  Grew up in a basement of a church.  What a feel good American rags to riches story.  Aww…

5. )  Ala, Tim Tebow, she is on record that she is a virgin.  In a 2012 segment on HBO‘s Real Sports, Jones revealed that she is a virgin, dates online, and struggles to maintain her virginity.  She said “If there’s virgins out there, I’m going to let them know, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life — harder than training for the Olympics, harder than graduating from college, has been to stay a virgin before marriage.”      Woah, two things I take from this.  She’s a virgin.  That competitive man drive to be the first goes without saying.  2nd, she is a complete freak in the bedroom.  I knew some ladies that rolled this way, and they were creative MONSTERS in the bed.  So, that’s a good visual.

6.)  She is a tweeter.  Seems like she is always ready for a good time and just has that can’t miss winning attitude.

7.)  Oh and lastly, she is SMOKING FREAKIN’ LOADED WITH HOTNESS!   Yeah, you knew I was going there, didn’t ya?

And she will be on Dancing with the Stars when this is over.  That’s how all the great ones end it, isn’t it?

 

 

My favorite track shot.

 

Front or back, she is pure gold ain’t she?


USA USA USA

Mind the Gap.

 

Abs of steel.

 

Remember when the women of Europe wouldn’t shave their pits? Gross!

 

Lolo being all “virgin”. Cute.

 

Click here to view the embedded video.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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