We open with a video recap of Undertaker coming out to indicate HHH is going to die last week, and HHH in turn indicating he doesn’t prefer that option and leaving. A man with a very serious voice ponders what could happen next.
They’re in Oklahoma, which is shocking considering they didn’t bring Jim Ross back last week so he could be fired today.
Main Event is a Six-Pack Challenge involving the RAW Elimination Chamber participants to determine who is last to enter the Chamber. Shouldn’t that, at the very least, be Punk’s right as champion? Shouldn’t the title not be defended in Elimination Chamber matches to begin with? Or for that matter Six-Pack Challenges?
World Champion Daniel Bryan will also wrestle the Big Show, but lets not spend time thinking about that when HHH is here!
Why in God’s name would a thirteen year old girl have a painstakingly made HHH sign in 2012? What have her monstrous parents done to her?
HHH was in fact here to fire John Laurinaitis last week. He is so annoyed that Taker cut off his amusing destruction of a hardworking employee that he gets his future endeavor line in this week. He insults John some more and the gist is John has a job at least until tomorrow because the board of directors are reviewing his proposal. Who runs the weekly show isn’t really important, not like the return of Undertaker, so HHH moves on to that. Despite HHH’s claims to the contrary The Undertaker has been carried from the ring many times. In coffins, mostly. HHH is sexually attracted to The Undertaker. He thinks he’s so pretty and good. The Undertaker is the top in their relationship. HHH likes nothing better than being humbled by this big hunk of manmeat. HHH confirms that the Undertaker pointed at a sign last week. Just like I said. A sad thing happened though, during the pointing and the gesturing. Last week HHH didn’t have the same sexy feelings he usually has for his paramour. Instead of feeling butterflys, instead of feeling awe and humbleness and a familiar tingling in his loins HHH felt sad for the Undertaker. He’s flabbier than he used to be. His hair extensions are more obvious. He doesn’t have that boss Sara tattoo across his throat anymore. In short, Taker has gotten old, and the thought of getting ****** by an old man named Booger Red doesn’t have much appeal to the current COO of the WWE. It turns out that HHH ruined the Undertaker… by losing to him last year? HHH is still the best even in losing.
HHH gives us a highlight video of Taker doing the things he’s sure to do again at Wrestlemania. HHH claims that that is the man who loved him tenderly, not this abomination, which brings us a video of what happens after Undertaker had one too many before their match last year. I just tried to use the expression “the corpse of the Undertaker” and then I giggled. HHH cannot stop talking, no matter how much I want him too. HHH won’t have the match because he’d have to do murder, was the point of this ten minutes ago and is still the point of this. HHH is quoting something he heard as a kid. In latin, no doubt. I would bet large sums of money HHH hasn’t been walking around with that quote rattling around in his head the last thirty years. HHH mercifully stops talking before he ends my wrestling fandom, starts to leave, and then his music shuts off. Which is scary, of course. Scarier is the lights going out. Scariest is the Undertaker sitting at home, watching a slickly produced video package about himself. He does voice overs on it, so I guess he could be judging his work. Somebody in WWE production really, really liked Seven. To answer Mike Vaccaro’s twitter question from yesterday, it is true that a newspaper is useful for scrap booking, but it is also useful for creating deviant collages that indicate the mental instability of the artist in question. Apparently the Undertaker does indeed think he needs vengeance for beating HHH at Wrestlemania twice. That’s a crack storytelling point they’ve got there.
That video package made HHH a little it hard but not enough to get back with his old flame just yet.
The WWE brags about beating NBC in the ratings. That may be the saddest example of self promotion they’ve ever used as one of their “Did You Know?” facts. I wonder if they beat whatever was airing on Current as well?
Big Show is here and we get a video package recapping his various Daniel Bryan problems. Daniel Bryan has brought AJ and her neckbrace with him. AJ is understandably nervous about being here, but at least her shoes are adorable. Cole is outraged at how Bryan has taken advantage of AJ, which I actually enjoy.
World Champion Daniel Bryan vs. The Big Show
Bryan works over Big Show’s leg for a few minutes. Show gets the advantage, kicking Bryan outside. He goes out after Bryan, who is then protected by AJ. Show attempts to return to the ring but Bryan attacks his leg. Show turns back this assault and then very nearly crushes AJ against the steps. This so upsets Bryan that he take AJ and leaves. Yep.
Bryan at least stops at the top of the ramp to call Big Show names. Bryan feels that Show just proved he ran over on AJ on purpose the first time. Since he was able to stop this time, you see. It seem that protecting “this woman who loves me” is more important to Bryan than winning or losing any match. He’ll continue being his name, a vegan, and the World Champion, in that order. AJ puts up with a lot.
Cole promises us that Jericho is finally talking tonight. This time they mean it.
The WWE Youtube channel, still sad.
Wrestlemania XXVIII is apparently supposed to “turn me on.”
So last week a car racing enthusiast showed up at RAW to say hi to John Cena. They didn’t feel like airing this last week for whatever reason. This Opie looking fella is here to invite Cena to wave a flag at something called “The Daytona 500.” (Cue blank expression on the Briscoes faces as they attempt to imitate how Shelton Benjamin would look trying to figure out how to set up a ring) Cena accepts and in turn attempts to promote his niche audience event (Wrestelmania, they call it) to Opie and OPIE NO SELLS HIM, saying he probably has to race that day. After Cena acted all excited about his flag waving and everything. What an asshole. They leave together anyway. Jerry Lawler thought that was cool.
The Elimination Chamber gets a video package that isn’t about turning us on, which is preferable. Look how li’l Randy Orton is! Awww…
The Elimination Chamber serious voice can’t ******* believe the champion tends to lose his title in such a match.
Serious question: I thought Khali left because his body has reached the almost time to spend my life in a wheelchair portion of being a freakish giant. How does one get better and come back from that?
David Otunga is here. He interrupts a Rock ad for Journey 2 to do so. I just thought about it for the first time and realized that Journey 2 I guess has to be a sequel to the Brendan Frasier Journey to the Center of the Earth from a few years ago that Roger Ebert thought was fun because he’s old and it reminded him of that not being so. This means this is now two franchises that the Rock has cruelly stolen from Brendan Frasier, who also has children who need to eat. Dwayne best watch his back lest Randy Couture star in Journey 3.
David Otunga is here because he loves John Laurinaitis so very much. This is some high quality heel ass kissing. HE IS ACTUALLY PRAYING. TEBOW-LIKE!!?@ That seems to confuse the crowd. Booing Tebowing is not in a wrestling fans nature. HHH through the ring announcer lets us know that Otunga has to wrestle now, so out comes Sheamus to kill him. For… being loyal to his boss? I’m really starting to worry about what they think makes people heels in this company.
Sheamus vs. David Otunga and David Otunga’s sweater
Somehow David Otunga’s junk is far more obscene in dress pants than it is in tights. That is all I got out of this one. What you would expect to happen happened.
Jericho is walking. That is some grade A “I’m an asshole” walking, if I do say so myself.
Sacha Baron Cohen. Still working.
Nickelback, not content to dominate RAW with their musical stylings, has now moved on to control the Elimination Chamber as well. Who will stand against the bald faced aggression of Chad Kroeger.
Jericho informs us the end of the world as we know it has arrived. He’s still using big words. Everybody wants to be Chris Jericho, man or woman, it don’t matter none. Even the crowd wants to be Jericho. He takes the time to point out individual wannabes. “I trolled all of you.” Jericho has reasons everybody in the chamber stole his gimmick. Some are better than others. He’s particularly angry with Punk, since after all Jericho is the best in the world. Those videos were about him winning the WWE Title, is the point. Here’s Punk. With new shirt. Jericho standing in the ring looking sullen at him while the jacket is on is hilarious.
Punk drops the microphone and holds up his belt. Jericho don’t like that none. Punk then turns his back and basically dares Jericho to attack him. Jericho is too scared for such tomfoolery and so allows Punk to just walk out of the ring smirking at his new foe’s cowardice. Punk has stolen Jericho’s silent gimmick you see. This flusters Jericho who starts whining in the ring that he just wants to talk. Great segment.
Jerry Lawler threatens us with The Great Khali and Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett.
Nicolas Cage is underrated. No, seriously. Family Man, The Weatherman, Knowing, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, The Rock, Face-Off… this strange man has given us so much. That said, I’d rather watch a Twilight than that new Ghost Rider movie.
Randy Orton & The Great Khali vs. Wade Barrett & Cody Rhodes
Every once in a while Cody Rhodes has to be put in his place by Randy Orton. It’s actually in Orton’s contract. Story of the match is the faces can’t get along because they’re so darn tense about the Elimination Chamber. The heels work together fine. They are still easily dispatched, however, as Randy is about to RKO poor Cody when Khali tags himself in and gets his always amusing chop for the pin on your Intercontinental Champion. Baffling.
I suppose they could be trying to get Khali back over as a real threat following years of him being Kiss Cam Khali…
Afterwards the kids fight. Khali eats an RKO out of that, and Orton poses prettily. Baffling.
Lawler and Cole help us through the social media war going on between the Rock and John Cena. Thanks guys. This leads to what I’m almost certain is the exact same damn video they’ve been running since the Rumble.
We’re back and now Cena is tweeting about Rock’s video. (drinks hemlock)
Some Divas appear which gives them an excuse to video recap John Cena having a good time hurting Kane last week.
Insert promo of Beth bragging about how dominant she is. She saw Kharma at the Rumble, right? If not Nattie should probably tell her about that. Speaking of shouldn’t the Bellas be scared?
Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, and Tamina vs. Natalya, Beth Phoenix, and the Bellas
Our heel teams can’t get along, and that sort of leads to Tamina hitting the Superfly Splash on a Bella in about thirty seconds.
Clip of the Rock on the Tonight Show. They don’t bring up Jay Leno’s wrestling career, so I’m not sure what the point of this was.
Instead King seems strangely titillated by the possibility of seeing the Rock’s balls.
HHH is talking with Steph (I think) on the phone in back and Big Johnny interrupts. He informs us that the WWE board are “From a humanistic standpoint, a bunch of nice people.” I love this man. Johnny announces that Shaun Michaels is gonna be here next week, presumably to get involved in the Taker-HHH stuff. Laurinaitis also suggests John Cena vs. Kane in an ambulance match, to which HHH responds “That is a pretty good idea. Who gave it to you?” I cannot watch this program rationally when HHH is on it. HHH acts like a total dick for no reason again until friendly Laurinaitis leaves in fear. Babyfacetastic.
At 10 AM ET they’re gonna announce Johnny’s future on WWE.com. Or they did, I guess, since this will probably post after that. I’m gonna ponder the nature of time for a little bit.
They show the Taker video from earlier in the show. Seriously, did a plane full of wrestlers die before the show? Did they forget to write an hour of it? What’s the deal tonight.
Josh Matthews is talking to Johnny. Johnny doesn’t think that someone cowardly like HHH (who is refusing to face Taker) is the type of person the Board would want running things on RAW.
Six-Pack Challenge is next.
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk vs. Miz vs. R-Truth
Match is tornado style with all six guys, first to get a pin or submission wins. Before the obligatory commercial break Truth did a flipping senton to the floor and Miz totally failed to catch him, leading to his very serious death. When they came back from break he was being helped to the back and looks to be legit hurt. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume this didn’t affect the finish of the match much. Match was perfectly acceptable wrestling. They did a tower superplex spot that didn’t actually involve any towering. Lots of laying dead at ringside which doesn’t really work in a match like this that didn’t include much in the way of weapons or length. (Punk shouldn’t be on the floor for five minutes because of the aforementioned superplex, for example). Finish saw Punk get the GTS on Ziggler, but then getting the pin broken up by Jericho, who pulled him outside and took him out on the announce table before crawling in and stealing the pin (poor Ziggler had to be dead for quite a long time). Jericho half heartedly put his feet on the ropes during the pin because he’s a Heel with a capital h. Afterwards Jericho did Punk’s indian style pose in the ring with belt because Jericho is the best in the world. During this what sounded like insane children laughing was occurring off camera. This turns out to be Eve in back with Kane. I thought we were gonna get to avoid it this week.
Kane wants to make sure Cena embraces the Hate, if you hadn’t heard. Eve is in a bra and a towel, because that happens all the time. Kane is afraid of himself. Then he orgasms. Then we fade to black.
I’m starting to genuinely worry I’m not going to be able to enjoy this show until HHH goes away again. Still, this was by no means a bad show, and Elimination Chamber is setting up to be interesting.