Ellen on tour: Our favorite Ellen Degeneres jokes

“My friend said I should go the therapy. I thought, why pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk? So that's when I came up with the idea for this tour.”

“They say we only use 10 percent of our brains. Imagine what could happen if we used the other 60 percent!"

“I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhhhhh my God, you're thin.'”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”

“Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. 'Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic.' 'Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?'”

”We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?”

“People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.”

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

“You ever break up with someone, and then tell your friends about all the bad habits they used to do? And then you get back together with them? Then your friends think you’re crazy because you’re back with this guy who likes to dress in your mom’s underwear and be called ‘Sapphire.’ You’re stuck with him the rest of your life because your friends have left you.”

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

“Our attention span is short. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.”

“I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.”

“Sharp cheese and cheddar cheese are not the same thing. Just because something has cheese in the name, that doesn’t make it cheese at all. That’d be like going to a musical instrument store and trying to buy a trumpet and they say, ‘Sorry, we’re all out but we do have a shoe horn.’ That’s not the same thing at all.”

“People who are into the Mile High Club. I don’t understand that. I have questions. How do you even have room to fit two people in there to have sex? I barely have room to have sex in there by myself."

"Anything could happen tonight! So many possibilities! Possibility number one, 12 Years a Slave wins Best Picture. Possibility number two, you're all racists. And now, please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway."

"Welcome to the Oscars. For those of you watching around the world, it has been a tough couple of days for us here. It has been raining. We're fine. Thank you for your prayers."

“With all our differences, we all have one thing in common: We’re all gay.”

“My friend said having sex is like riding a bicycle. And it’s been a while for me, but I don’t ever remember pedaling. Well once, but I was really drunk."

“The male and female golden eagle both go three to four miles high, start going eighty miles an hour, and connect. And they start dropping. And they don’t stop dropping until the act is complete. So it’s not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, they hit the ground, and both of them die. I thought to myself, don’t we feel like wimps for answering the phone during sex?”

"Tonight's theme is heroes in Hollywood and we need heroes now more than ever. People around the world are having hard times. And movies offer us an escape. Movies inspire us. I'm not saying movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know the most important thing in the word is youth."

“I’m 27. People say, you don’t look 27. You like you’re about 23. I’m lucky, that runs in my family. My grandmother is 97, she looks about 93. I’ve got a nephew who’s three. He doesn’t even look like he’s been born yet.”

“I used to wander around the woods as a kid. I’d find petrified wood and I’d think, what could have scared these trees so badly?”

“My aunt died because of gum disease. She accidentally got two pieces of Wrigley’s Spearmint stuck on her eyelids, couldn’t open them up, and she wandered onto some train tracks.”

“Anyone have the book, Hints From Heloise? I don’t think the movie’s going to be as good. The book says, if you have an angora sweater, and you want to wear it out that night, you take the angora sweater, you put it in a bag, you put it in the freezer, and it won’t shed for the rest of the night. And I started thinking, my cat sheds a lot.”

“I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.”

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”

“I’m always seated next to someone that feels like just because we’re seated next to each other, we should form some type of bond with each other. It’s obvious I don’t want to engage in conversation – I’m wearing headphones, I’m reading a book called ‘How To Overcome Your Hatred Of Strangers On An Airplane.’”

“I was flying the other day from Los Angeles, and there was a fly on the plane with me. I just felt so bad. I thought, this fly is going to be so confused when we get to Chicago.”

“You have to get your heart rate up when you exercise. But jogging, you get all sweaty, and you have to come right back to where you started from. So what I do is, I’ll have a friend drive a car at my really really fast and then stop just before it hits me.”

“I lift weights religiously. I don’t lift them every day. I hardly ever do lift them. But when I do, I say, Jesus Christ! They’re very heavy, hence the name.”

“Most people dream of winning an Academy Award. I had a dream of actually hosting the Academy Awards. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there: Aim lower.”

“You know how they’re just rehashing shows, there’s nothing new. My idea is, 'The Flying Nun.' That was a popular show. I know that’s not realistic, but I’d be mildly religious, and I’d jump really high.”

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, they say it’s because it’s such a beautiful animal. I don’t know about that. I think my mother’s attractive but I have photographs of her.”

“Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.”

“People have become so accustomed to texting that they're actually startled when the phone rings. It's like we suddenly all have Bat-phones. If it rings, there must be danger.”

“Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.”