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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Serge Ibaka can't connect
P.J. Tucker played peacemaker when Serge Ibaka of the Raptors and Robin Lopez of the Bulls got tangled up. Vaughn Ridley/Getty Images

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Serge Ibaka can't connect

This year, the NBA has a new hotline for players to call and speak their mind about NBA referees. They can protest ejections, clarify official rules, and ask Ken Mauer for hair care tips. It's an upgrade on the old system, where Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain had to communicate with the referees by telegram and smoke signals. Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are about as real a Gregg Popovich injury report before a road back-to-back. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: two NBA big men are having static.

Serge Ibaka vs. Robin Lopez

Dear Mr. Ibaka,

We were disappointed in your behavior during the Raptors-Bulls game and have upheld your one-game suspension. There’s simply zero tolerance for fighting in the NBA, even if neither one of you could punch with any accuracy. Remember that in the NBA, the way you fight is by yelling at someone until the other players circle around you. Occasionally you can shove someone. But Serge, you were throwing punches even OVER the players who were trying to hold you back. When an NBA player yells, “Don’t hold me back!” it’s understood that means, "Please hold me back immediately."

However, we’d like to help mend fences between the two of you. Mr. Ibaka, it’s true that Robin escalated the confrontation when he spun around to go after you. But after talking with his teammates and twin brother, it seems clear that Robin only attacked you because he thought you were a mascot. He’s had countless run-ins with these costumed figures over the years, to the point where he’s developed PTSD should anything tall and furry come into his field of vision. It’s why Brook keeps his hair so short.

But how did he confuse you with a Raptor? This may sound unbelievable, but Robin doesn’t know what a raptor looks like. "Jurassic Park" is rated PG-13, and Robin will only watch films that are G or PG. If Disney comes out with an animated musical about velociraptors, or Disney World adds a Hall of Dinosaurs, then you can blame him for this. Until then, take a cue from Robin’s all-time favorite film "Frozen," and let it go.

Animatedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Luke Walton vs. Milwaukee Bucks

Dear Mr. Walton,

You are 100 percent correct that coaches should not touch the opposing team’s players. How are rookies supposed to learn about the importance of consent when authority figures are invading their personal space and engaging in inappropriate touching? This is the NBA! Not the 2004 L.A. Lakers!

However, we aren’t totally sure that what the Bucks coach did constitutes a “shove.” Mr. Ingram weighs roughly 108 pounds. The video suggests that the gust of wind created by the coach’s sudden movement blew Mr. Ingram backward. When a player has hollow bones like Mr. Ingram, even a slight shift in atmospheric pressure can toss him across the court. Please do not let him fight anyone until at least his third season! And certainly don’t let him go out on a boat if it’s windy.

We also would discourage you from adding an assistant coach to your staff simply to act as an enforcer during on-court scuffles. Even if Mr. Oakley is between jobs at the moment, it’s simply a dangerous idea.

We remain at your assistance, NBA Referee Hotline 

Joakim Noah vs. Random Drug Tests

Dear Mr. Noah,

We are quite disappointed in your failed drug test and 20-game suspension. The lab has confirmed that this was indeed a testosterone-boosting supplement and not something you “might have accidentally smoked with J.R Smith.” So you’ll miss the remainder of this year and the first 10 games of next season. To be quite honest, we weren’t surprised that you failed a drug test; we just expected pot, or molly, or magic mushrooms, or all three. Maybe if you’d been tested after the first weekend of Coachella.

You did raise an interesting question, Mr. Noah. Namely, is it really a performance-enhancing drug when your performance is this bad? You’re currently averaging five points in 22 minutes a game, with less than a block and a steal. This, just three short years after winning Defensive Player of the Year. This is how you play with steroids? It’s like watching Popeye eat a can of spinach and then immediately slip into a coma. Pac-Man doesn’t eat a power pellet and then start vomiting up dots! Then again, Pac-Man doesn’t have to play for the Knicks.

We recommend that you submit your stat line from the last two seasons to the league’s medical department, because this might well get you a therapeutic use exemption. To be honest, after watching you shoot free throws this season, these PEDs might be the only thing keeping you alive.

Concernedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Jae Crowder vs. Devin Booker


Devin Booker scored 70 points, but the Celtics and Jae Crowder defeated the Suns by 10 points. Bob DeChiara/USA TODAY Sports

Dear Mr. Crowder,

We registered your complaint about Mr. Booker’s abusive language, but the officials’ jurisdiction does not extend to Instagram. Also, it appears that he merely said that you couldn’t guard him. After he put up 70 points, that statement is demonstrably true. We also decline to assess a technical to the home fans in Boston. It’s not illegal to applaud the other team’s stars, even if he might come and take your job.

It’s somewhat of a surprise that you are so defensive about this incident when you showed so little defense in that game. You’re a stopper, Mr. Crowder! Tony Allen’s not walking through that door! James Posey’s not walking through that door! Kendrick Perkins isn’t walking through that door! Avery Bradley is walking through that door, but he was sick that night! And Marcus Smart is knocking it open with his physical presence, but then he’s shooting 30 percent through that door.

Defensively yours, NBA Referee Hotline

J.J. Barea vs. Blake Griffin

Dear Mr. Barea,

We have reviewed the footage, and it does appear you were incorrectly ejected from your game against the Clippers. While you did shove Mr. Griffin, the manner in which he was “thrown” to the ground simply doesn’t jibe with the laws of physics. Mr. Griffin is a foot taller and 70 pounds heavier than you. You are neither a judo master or a Vulcan, able to incapacitate an opponent by merely touching his shoulder. A better explanation is that this was an acting showcase. Mr. Griffin is in a number of national commercials and performed at Just For Laughs in Montreal last summer. Perhaps this is another of his attempts to do physical comedy in a viral video?

It’s simply part of his brand. Blake Griffin doesn’t wear sandals; he wears flip-flops. His favorite character in "Peter Rabbit" is Flopsy. At pool parties, Blake Griffin refuses to do a cannonball; he’ll only belly flop. Blake Griffin never eats pancakes, only flopjacks. His favorite '80s movie is Ishtar, the biggest flop of all time.

This season alone, Blake has hit the deck after colliding with a Clippers cheerleader named Brianna, Chuck the Condor, a fourth-grader who played basketball at halftime, Clipper superfan Frankie Muniz, a garden gnome and, the smallest of them all, rapper Kendrick Lamar.

It’s for the best that the referees got in the way. Mr. Barea, you’re actually too big for Blake to fight: If you’re larger than a team equipment manager, Blake wants no part of that action.

With heightened regard, NBA Referee Hotline

Previously on NBA Hotline Bling

Sean Keane

Sean Keane is a sportswriter and a comedian based in Oakland, California, with experience covering the NBA, MLB, NFL and Ice Cube’s three-on-three basketball league, The Big 3. He’s written for Comedy Central’s “Another Period,” ESPN the Magazine, and Audible. com

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