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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Daryl Morey burns up the phone lines

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Daryl Morey burns up the phone lines

The NBA has a new hotline players can call to complain about the work of NBA refereesThey can complain about calls, defend their actions, and try unsuccessfully to get technicals rescinded. It’s like an ombudsman for referees, for people who think an ombudsman is a guy who works the counter at a cannabis club in Denver. Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are as fictional as the Pelican's title aspirations. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: an NBA GM is about to get heated.

Daryl Morey & Lou Williams

Dear Mr. Morey

After consulting with the NBA’s own fire marshal as well as officials in Houston, we regret to inform you that your recent acquisition of Lou Williams constitutes a fire hazard. Mr. Williams simply gets too hot for it to remain safe. As you can see in the above clip, the bench caught fire the very first time he put on a Rockets uniform! Perhaps if it were only Mr. Williams, but he’s alongside Eric Gordon, which is the equivalent of storing your flamethrower in a cardboard box full of oily rags.

NBA arenas aren’t designed to support that many points on the bench. Yes, James Harden can carry a heavy scoring load, but that’s not the point! This dangerous roster construction can lead to spontaneous blowouts, to say nothing of the public health risks of fans winning free chalupas every single game. The action is already heart-pounding enough without adding saturated fat! Witnesses report that at multiple points in the game, the Rockets guards were unconscious from three-point range. This is extremely hazardous. Were they even wearing their three-point goggles for safety?

As you and Coach D’Antoni know, when the bench gets that hot, you may have only seven seconds to evacuate the arena. Or less! However, the Rockets are especially hot from outside! And there’s no defense at all! Not for Mr. Williams, not from Mr. Williams! As summer approaches and defenses dry out, we worry that this offense could continue to torch teams well into June. There’s one clear move you can make to slow down this inferno: Sign center Andrew Bogut.

Infernally yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Damien Chazelle vs. Warren Beatty

Dear Mr. Chazelle,

Thank you for your passionate message, though we do wish you hadn’t sung the whole thing. To answer your question, all calls are reviewable in the last two minutes of the Academy Awards. While it wasn’t ideal timing, our team in Seacaucus, New Jersey reviewed the tape and determined that possession of the Best Picture Oscar belonged to Moonlight. Though Emma Stone touched *a* statuette last, ultimately Price Waterhouse Cooper officials acted correctly, and Moonlight was indeed a legal substitution.

We understand your argument regarding simultaneous possession of the award, but do you really want a jump ball? Mahershala Ali is definitely not losing to Ryan Gosling in that situation.

The results of the Breathalyzer are still pending, but we believe Warren Beatty may have committed a shot violation. Patron shots to be specific. Next time, we suggest that the Academy avoid confusion by freezing the winning envelope beforehand. It worked wonders at the 1985 Draft!

League of stars! NBA Referee Hotline

DeMarcus Cousins vs. Steven Adams

Dear Mr. Cousins,

What can we say? You got a technical foul 32 seconds into the game. How did you get to upset so quickly? Did a second line parade make you late to the arena? Was that creepy King Cake Baby looking at you funny? Did you eat a bad beignet? Trick question: There's no such thing as a bad beignet!

This is your 18th technical, so you will be suspended for a game. However, you are eligible for an exciting new tier of rewards! You get an introductory package from "Tee'd Up!", the NBA's new technical foul-based t-shirt company. It includes a his-and-hers set of shirts that say "Flagrant One" and "Flagrant Two," an "I'm With Stupid" tank top (with the arrow pointing up), and our signature item, "I Committed 18 Technical Fouls And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

At 20 technicals, you get a signed photo of Rasheed Wallace, a novelty foam middle finger, and a one-game suspension without pay. At 22 technicals, you get the famous Dennis Rodman tote bag and a DVD of Classic Hockey Fights, and a one-game suspension without pay. And if you get to 24 technicals, you get Bill Laimbeer's cookbook, "Cooking With Lamb & Beer," a set of NBA steak knives, and a lopsided trade to the Orlando Magic! Plus a one-game suspension without pay.

We are absolutely positive we'll hear from you soon.

Ciao, NBA Referee Hotline

Tyler Ennis vs. U-Haul

Dear Mr. Ennis,

We sympathize with your plight. Being traded to your fourth team in twelve months has to be a difficult and traumatic experience, and also why your message sounded like it was recorded from the cab of a moving van. However, these transactions were all perfectly legal and none was, as you suggested, a “traveling” violation. We also cannot assign flagrant fouls to coaches, no matter how much you feel you were yanked from the rotation.

Mr. Ennis, many factors go into a team’s decision to trade a player. It doesn’t mean you’re unskilled. In fact, you’re very gifted! So don’t think of it as been let go, traded, or given up on. Think of it as being re-gifted! Also, if you need any extra coupons from Bed, Bath & Beyond, we are fairly certain that Thomas Robinson has a lot of them let over from his moves. It looks like you could use a new razor.

Movingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Dwight Howard vs. The Rim

Dear Mr. Howard,

We acknowledge for the mistake in Monday’s game against the Celtics when you received a second technical foul and an ejection for hanging on the rim. Hanging on the rim is classified as a “non-unsportsmanlike” technical, and does not lead to ejection, only a fine. Which is not to say it was sportsmanlike! But it wasn’t anti-non-unsportsmanlike, which is what matters. You should have been non-unreinstated by the officials, and we don’t unapologize.

For future reference, here is the full list of non-unsportsmanlike technicals:

Excessive timeouts

  • Defensive three seconds
  • Defensive Thirty Seconds To Mars
  • Shattering the backboard
  • Backing into the shatterboard
  • Shattering a blackboard (also applies to dry-erase boards and tablet computers)
  • Using “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”
  • Pretending you’re going to throw a bucket of water on a guy but then it’s actually full of confetti.
  • Using an unregistered t-shirt cannon (legal in Texas)
  • Booing the Kiss Cam
  • Kissing on the Boo Cam
  • Hanging on the rim
  • Hanging with Mr. Cooper
  • Hanging out the passenger side of your best friend’s ride, trying to holler at me

Mr. Howard, the NBA does not want no scrubs. But neither does the NBA want to eject scrubs without cause. Though there can be no remedy, at your next game, you’re allowed to make fart noises next to the officials between the first and second quarter break.

Holler at us! NBA Referee Hotline 

Magic Johnson vs. Referee Hotline


It's a hotline not a text-line, Mr. Johnson. AP Photo/Nick Ut

Dear Mr. Johnson,

It has come to our attention that you tweeted multiple times at the referee hotline.

@RefereeHotline If the Lakers want to beat the Warriors tonight they’re going to have to score more point than them

@RefereeHotline I’m impressed w/ Serge Ibaka and he will give Orlando the big man they need

@RefereeHotline Anthony Bennett is the real deal. Great pick Cleveland Cavaliers

This is just a small sampling, not including your MANY questions about the particulars of the CBA. Mr. Johnson, this is a hotline and we are not on Twitter. Perhaps you could direct these questions to whichever member of the Buss family is nearest to you at the time. However, we can confirm that it is still legal to kiss the opposing point guard on the lips before a playoff game.

Magically yours, NBA Referee Hotline

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