NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Coach Budenholzer updates his contacts list

Dear Coach Budenholzer,

We appreciate your apology for bumping into the referee, and it’s a good sign that you’ve accepted responsibility for your actions. However, we are noticing a worrisome pattern. Last year, in a game against the Cavaliers, you also made contact with an official. Now, you’ve managed to control your momentum while running up to the referees at every other moment this season. Coach Bud, is it possible that you just don’t want to coach against LeBron James?

This is not a judgment, but rather genuine concern. You are displaying all the signs of an NBA-specific brand of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It happens after tragic events or witnessing a slaughter, like the 2015 Eastern Conference Finals, or last year’s second round. Coach Budenholzer, we think you have PLSD: Post-LeBron Stress Disorder.

Here are the symptoms of PLSD:

1. Nightmares. Like winning 60 games in a season and then getting swept out of the playoffs.
2. Flashbacks. Seeing LeBron James make defenders fall down as he coolly drains jumpers, or drive to the rim untouched, you have to wonder if you’re witnessing him shred your defense live or flashing back to earlier shredding.
3. Triggers: Cleveland has a ton of shooters, gunning from long range, and Atlanta keeps shooting itself in the foot.
4. Avoiding the scene where the trauma occurred: The Hawks avoided the conference finals last year, and now you seem to be fleeing the arena entirely.
5. Disconnecting from relationships: You let Al Horford go in free agency, then traded away Kyle Korver and Jeff Teague. Coach Bud, Dwight Howard isn’t the answer! For anything!

These symptoms have now taken place for a full year, so you may want to talk to a medical professional, one who has experience recovering from LeBron James-related damage. May we suggest Doc Rivers?

Concernedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Kevin Durant vs. Zaza Pachulia & Marcin Gortat

Dear Mr. Durant,

Here at the Hotline, we are very sympathetic to your injury and hope your knee recovers quickly. However, we cannot assess a flagrant foul to Marcin Gortat for this play, because there was no evidence of malicious intent. And we can’t assess a flagrant foul to Zaza Pachulia, because he is your teammate.

Mr. Durant, you may believe — and the video might even suggest — that Mr. Gortat shoved Mr. Pachulia, and that Mr. Pachulia flopped into your leg. But these are European centers. They grew up playing and watching soccer all the time — the dives, the falls, the seemingly crippling injuries that go away in seconds. It’s impossible to tell if a Euro is truly flopping or he honestly believes he’s injured. Usually he himself won’t know!

While you have free time during your rehabilitation, may we suggest watching footage of Vlade Divac facing off against Rony Seikaly in the '90s? It’s a breathtaking dance of sprawling, flailing arms and wholly unearned charge calls, rivaling the best of Baryshnikov or the WWE. If you need to borrow a DVD, I believe your old teammate James Harden has all four volumes of "NBA Finest Flops."

Yours Truly, NBA Referee Hotline

Yogi Ferrell vs. Beelzebub

Dear Mr. Ferrell,

First of all, we’d like to congratulate you on your Rookie of the Month award. It’s rare to see this kind of excellent play from an undrafted player, particularly one who was twice released from the worst team in the league. As per your question, the NBA generally does not intervene in contract disputes, but your situation presents a unique case, as you signed a two-year deal with the Mavericks and a deal with the devil. Dallas controls your player rights through the 2017-18 season, but Satan controls your soul rights for eternity.

Your contract clearly specified a willful exchange of eternal soul for basketball stardom and was signed down at the crossroads, as is customary. It was witnessed by your attorney, a notary public and a demon. However, there are possibilities for relief. Technically, Lucifer is capped at taking 15 precent of your soul, due to agent rules. The Collective Bargaining Agreement between the NBA and Hades, as negotiated by Donald Sterling, does allow for your soul to reach restricted free agency after four seasons. St. Peter or Mark Cuban can also arrange a buyout or provide non-monetary compensation for Satan, like letting his friend Coach K run the Olympic team or getting James Dolan’s band a record deal.

In regard to your other question, the Dark Lord placed you on the Mavs without really thinking about it. Satan doesn’t follow the game — he’s more of a golfer — but he heard that Harrison Barnes goes by the Black Falcon and figured he was some kind of sorcerer. Plus he’s a big fan of Andrew Bogut, who he really didn't want to see leave Dallas.

We wish you luck in your arbitration dispute. However, should you lose and end up without a soul, we suggest joining the Boston Celtics.

You’re a hell of a player, NBA Referee Hotline 

Arron Afflalo gets a five-second violation inbounding vs. the Jazz 

Dear Mr. Afflalo,

We’ve reviewed the tape and determined you should have been given a timeout at the end of your game against Utah and not a five-second violation. We apologize.

It’s because before the game, referee Ken Mauer went to a matinee of "La La Land," and when he had to referee a game involving the Utah Jazz, he got confused. As you know, in jazz, the time signatures are unpredictable. Instead of the standard “One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three-Mississippi” count, he was scatting. He went for “One-Scabbly-Doo, Two, Three-Zippety-Bop,” which was less than five seconds long. Mr. Mauer claims that it was all about the seconds he didn’t count, just like Charles Mingus. He also suggested that he may have meant a “Take Five-second violation,” because the game reminded him of a Dave Brubeck composition.

Mr. Mauer should have given you the timeout, rather than a worn-out cassette tape of “*****es Brew.” He seemed rather disoriented, believing that Buddy Hield was a trombone player because of his name. And he insisted that Gordon Hayward was just like Ryan Gosling, because he was a handsome white guy who was super into the Jazz.

We hope to be more vigilant about this situation in the future. However, we do have to deny Sacramento’s other rules request. Even if the bull riding tour is the most popular sporting event in Sac, we cannot change it to an eight-second rule.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Paul Millsap vs. LeBron James

Dear Mr. Millsap,

After reviewing the footage, LeBron James should have been called for a foul on your shot attempt near the end of your game. You made the basket but should have been allowed the foul attempt for the and-one and a potential three-point play. You should understand that it’s nothing personal, but LeBron James needs to actually draw blood in order to get a foul call in the last two minutes of the half.

As you know, LeBron is allowed to take four steps before a dunk if it’s the end of the game. He’s allowed to push off on drives, and he gets six-and-a-half seconds to inbound the ball. He’s permitted to carry one edged weapon and one blunt weapon, and when his team is in the bonus, he’s allowed to use a small, low-voltage taser. If it’s the playoffs, he is not to be touched, and an opponent may receive a flagrant foul for making extended eye contact. He’s also allowed to deliver a one-game suspension to the opponent of his choice in the Finals. And no matter who lands on Free Parking in Monopoly, LeBron gets the money, even when his piece is in jail.

The referees erred, but ultimately we deny your request to play the game under protest. It wasn’t so much the referee’s error as Atlanta’s giveaways that cost them the game. Specifically, giving away Kyle Korver to a conference rivals two months ago.

Hawkishly yours, NBA Referee Hotline