The 2017 NBA playoff matchups of our dreams

We’ve been locked in to this three-six matchup for what seems like five months, but it’s still going to be fantastic. You have James Harden and Russell Westbrook, the two leading MVP candidates squaring off. Each guy knows that he’s got to win this first-round series or the MVP trophy is automatically cheapened. And Westbrook, already the most motivated player in the league, somehow has a ton of extra motivation. Harden hasn’t played for Oklahoma City for five years and hasn’t faced the Thunder in the playoffs since 2013, but Westbrook still has to hear about the Harden trade constantly. Patrick Beverley injured Westbrook in that series, knocking him out of the playoffs and leading to three surgeries. Plus, Westbrook has to take this series to at least seven games so he can wear all his trolling pregame outfits.

Houston has a ton of weapons: Eric Gordon apparently got new bionic limbs since leaving New Orleans, and Ryan Anderson must have rejuvenated himself in a Lazarus Pit. The Swiss Mister, Clint Capela, throws down lobs, while Beverley throws down opposing guards when they’re not looking. Daryl Morey says Sam Dekker is the white Harrison Barnes (he’s not, but still!). And this might be the year Lou Williams doesn’t choke in the playoffs!

Meanwhile, Oklahoma City has no shooting, but it does have the Stache Brothers, Steven Adams and Enes Kanter, grabbing rebounds and going wild in the post. It’s going to drive Mike D’Antoni crazy to see those mustaches while his own lip remains heartbreakingly bare.

Look, many of our greatest stories tell the tale of an individual going up against the system. Mike D’Antoni has the most famous system, and Russell Westbrook is the most individual. Something’s got to give, and it might be the Thunder! But it’s not going to be Westbrook’s numbers.

Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers

This is an another dream first-round matchup that fans are actually going to get: "The Contract Year Series" between the Los Angeles Clippers and the Utah Jazz. Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, Gordon Hayward, George Hill and J.J. Redick are all free agents. Even players with existing contracts — Alec Burks, Derrick Favors, Austin Rivers — could switch teams this summer. Will Utah go into the luxury tax for a big three if that big three is Rudy Gobert, Hayward and Hill? After six years together, will Steve Ballmer decide that Griffin and Paul need a divorce? And how long can Doc Rivers keep his own son on the trading block?

In a lot of ways, these teams mirror each other. Gobert is the player that Doc Rivers thinks DeAndre Jordan is — which isn’t meant as a slight on the monster pick-setting First-Team All-NBA center. Gobert is even better defensively, you can give him the ball more than five feet from the basket, he can make free throws and he’s even busted out a Eurostep this season. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him wearing a dress in French State Farm commercials as the mom of Les Houpers.

Like Blake, Favors is an athletic power forward who’s adjusted his game to play with a star big man, only he injures himself playing basketball instead of drunkenly punching the team’s strength coach. Luckily for Blake, many of these games will be played in Salt Lake City, a city where alcohol laws make it physiologically impossible for a 250-pound man to get intoxicated. George Hill is a defensive stud who’s basically a middle-class man’s Chris Paul.

And the benches both feature longtime favorites. Jamal Crawford is the NBA’s greatest four-point-play artist at age 37, the same age as Boris Diaw’s liver. Joe Johnson might be Doc Rivers' Kryptonite: a veteran who played the Celtics in the playoffs 10 years ago and somehow didn’t find his way to the Clippers' bench. America needs to see Jamal Crawford gunning at altitude. Even more than that, it needs to see Mo Speights gunning at altitude.

It’s youth versus experience, the Netflix Original versus the reliable network rerun, L.A.’s steady veteran bench versus Utah’s dynamic bench of tweeners and Aussies. The matchup looks very close on paper, but you never want to bet against Chris Paul. Until the second round, that is.


San Antonio Spurs vs. Houston Rockets

This is another showdown of MVP favorites, a more philosophical version of Harden vs. Westbrook. Harden vs. Kawhi Leonard speaks to the value of team wins and how much weight you give to a two-way player. Harden creates baskets at a historic rate and has bumped up his defense from turnstile to screen door; while still porous, there’s at least the appearance of resistance. Meanwhile, Kawhi is the league’s best perimeter defender and has upped his scoring to top 10 levels.


But it’s also a showdown between Mike D’Antoni and the coach who tormented him. Whether it was defensive gambits, Tim Duncan’s out-of-nowhere outside shooting or the NBA’s arbitrary suspensions, MDA got denied over and over by Gregg Popovich. Even now, Pop’s scraggly beard mocks D’Antoni’s clean shave, as if to say, “Your offense is a smooth, well-oiled machine. I’m going to beat it, and I’m going to do it playing David Lee.”


If they can force turnovers and play fast, the Rockets might pull off a win simply through overwhelming offense. But what they almost certainly can’t pull off is guarding LaMarcus Aldridge. Aldridge annihilated Houston three years ago, and now he’s expanded his range to the three-point line. While Houston makes the most three-pointers in the NBA, San Antonio makes them at the highest rate. If the Spurs can give their old guys some rest during round one, it could be another heartbreak for the House of D’Antoni.

Atlanta Hawks vs. Toronto Raptors

What would we expect if the Hawks faced the Raptors? First you’ve got Kyle Lowry, who had bone chips removed from his wrist but still has a chip on his shoulder. He wasn’t great in last year’s playoffs, and he’s a free agent this summer. Is Dennis Schroder capable of stopping an intensely motivated Lowry? Another pair of free agents, Serge Ibaka and Paul Millsap duel at power forward, facing off for basketball glory and a leg up on max contracts. Atlanta has some important decisions to make as it continues its quixotic quest to build around gym rat — and clubhouse cancer — Dwight Howard.

It’s an interesting contrast. Coach Bud’s creative motion offense gets praise, but the Hawks are No. 27 in offense. Meanwhile the Raptors play a lot of isolation, Lowry and DeMar DeRozan take most of the shots, their pace is slow, and they’re No. 6 in offense. Atlanta’s advantage would seem to be on the glass, but Toronto rebounds better than the Hawks, even with offensive rebound savant/ post offense oaf Dwight Howard. Atlanta collects first-round athletic wings like Star Wars action figures, but Toronto got Norman Powell in the second round and he’s more valuable than all of them.

And the unpredictable might happen. We could get a Bebe Nogueira explosion, trying to prove himself to the franchise that abandoned him. Mike Dunleavy could lose his cool and fire his jersey into the stands.

We might even see Kent Bazemore ecstatically celebrate after eating a veal sandwich, but the real appeal of this series is the chance that the Hawks might get detained at the border. And by “Hawks,” we really just mean Dwight Howard. Maybe it’s for farting on a border guard, or maybe he’s charged with impersonating an NBA superstar. The NBA wouldn’t miss him, the NBA TV audience wouldn’t miss him and it’s not clear that the Hawks would either.

Indiana Pacers vs. Boston Celtics

Indiana versus Boston would be a tantalizing first-round series and not just because of the Larry Legend factor. Bird is 2-1 against his old team in the playoffs, and improbably, the teams haven’t met since 2005. It’s a Bird-Off, an Al Jefferson revenge series and potentially a battle for Paul George’s professional future.

The Celtics wouldn’t go all-in for George this year at the trade deadline, if they ever got that close at all. Maybe the Pacers weren’t really shopping him, maybe the Celtics don’t think he’s a transcendent superstar or maybe Danny Ainge is a hoarder. But if George leads the Pacers to a playoff upset, all the Celtics fans furious about Ainge standing pat will explode. Meanwhile, we may see Jae Crowder rage out if Boston fans cheer George like they did Gordon Hayward.

Boston is a team that’s still looking to the future while it contends, while Indiana is absolutely living in the moment. The Celtics wouldn’t trade any future draft picks or young assets for help at the deadline, a very cautious approach. The Pacers just signed Lance Stephenson, the NBA front office equivalent of Sarah Connor carving “NO FATE” into a picnic table. Lance was Born Ready; every additional moment in the league depletes his supply of Readiness. Jaylen Brown turned 20 the day before the season started. Monta Ellis is turning 32, and he’s a 6’2” shooting guard who can’t shoot threes. His future is three years ago. Thaddeus Young and Jeff Teague are 28, C.J. Miles is 30, and Al Jefferson is three months away from turning to stone.

Long term, the Celtics' roster looks much, much better. But for one best-of-seven series? Boston’s advantage in roster depth doesn’t matter as much when George and Myles Turner can play 40+ minutes. The unprotected Brooklyn Nets pick can’t play any minutes. If the Celtics can hit three-pointers, they’ll win. Otherwise? Paul George and Lance Stephenson have already beaten Al Horford in the first round twice before. Would it be shocking if they did it again?


Chicago Bulls vs. Washington Wizards

This Chicago Bulls team has been one of the least-likable high-profile teams in recent memory. Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler were always an impossible combination to play together. All of them regularly talked trash about each other to reporters and through passive-aggressive Instagram posts that even Tumblr users found melodramatic. Every prominent player has been suspended, or benched, or both. They dealt for the worst Rookie of the Year of his era, Michael Carter-Williams, traded away mainstay Taj Gibson, and gave up on Dougie McBuckets. Fred Hoiberg continued his destiny as “The Whiter Tim Floyd.” Somehow they have five point guards.

But they’re an interesting matchup for Cleveland, because it’d be the first time LeBron James would face his BFF Dwyane Wade in the playoffs. Will they hug? Will they eat dinner together? Will LeBron order for Wade? And will the Bulls realize that they’ve been a much better team with Wade off the floor this year?

Jimmy Butler is a great player. Robin Lopez will be confused by Cleveland’s two mascots. Rajon Rondo will be motivated, probably, although he’s been known to completely quit during a playoff series. But it’s not going to matter. Cleveland has three of the four best players, and the Bulls can guard maybe one of them. Look, it would be inspiring if the hardscrabble Heat clawed its way to the eight seed, but seeing these Bulls get run out of the gym by Cleveland is much more viscerally satisfying.

Dream Conference Finals

San Antonio Spurs vs. Golden State Warriors

There’s a popular idea that the Rockets are the biggest threat to the Warriors in the West, but the heart of that argument seems to be variability. Since the Rockets can score so much, the theory goes, they just have to get hot a few times in a short series. People have even claimed that Lou Williams could win a game by himself. But Houston can’t guard anyone, and Sweet Lou is terrible in the playoffs. It’s much harder to draw fouls in the postseason, post-Tim Donaghy, and Houston led the league in free throw attempts. And in the past two postseasons, the Rockets have managed two wins against the Warriors.

But it has to be Spurs-Warriors. They last played in 2013, when the young Warriors gave the Spurs a scare but couldn’t make free throws or close out games. Since then, the teams have taken turns losing to the Clippers before the Spurs were derailed by the Thunder last year. Beating San Antonio is the one piece of unfinished business that the Steph Curry-era Warriors have left; they haven’t beaten the Clippers in the playoffs, but 10 straight regular-season wins feels like validation enough.

There are so many angles. Kevin Durant faced the Spurs three of the past five years. David West jumped from the Spurs to the Warriors last summer. Longtime Warrior and your dad’s favorite player David Lee is now a Spur. Steve Kerr won two rings playing for Gregg Popovich. Kerr’s assistant Mike Brown is Pop’s old assistant. Draymond Green has finished second to Kawhi Leonard for Defensive Player of the Year two years in a row. Steve Nash works for the Warriors, and last decade, the Spurs ruined his life every May. And we don’t know this for sure, but it’s very likely Ayesha Curry hates Tony Parker’s personal life.

It's a competitive battle but not a bitter one. There seems to be plenty of love lost between them. After all, both teams enjoy interior passing, outside shooting and woke coaches who denounce the president. Klay Thompson and Kawhi love shooting and hate talking. And the Spurs' mascot, the Coyote, often wears a shirt and no pants, which is a very Bay Area look. Still, it just seems like the Spurs don't have enough guys. Kawhi could erase Kevin Durant, mostly, but what about the other guys? With Andre Iguodala and Draymond Green shutting down offensive sets before they begin, it just takes one Splash Brother (or a Splash Cousin) to get hot for the Warriors to waltz.

Toronto Raptors vs. Cleveland Cavaliers

These two teams met in a not-as-close-as-it-looked Eastern Finals last year. Since then, Toronto has made moves and improved significantly. Cleveland has made moves and regressed.

Washington has three wildly talented young stars that will start to become truly terrifying the next two years, while Boston has a deep roster, tough wing defenders and a great coach. They’re not really threats to the Cavs the way Toronto is. They may not have the overwhelming athleticism of the Wizards or the schemes of the Celtics, but what the Raptors do have are go-to scorers, shooting and serious versatility.


Also, if we’re choosing with a fan base, give us the thousands of screaming Canadians watching outdoors at Jurassic Park any day. As opposed to Celtic fans? Or in the Wizards’ case, the most empty seats in the league? We want two anthems, poutine vendors in the stands, Drake dancing on the Jumbotron, shooting distance in meters and socialized health care for Richard Jefferson. Canada’s health plan covers gerontology, right?


This is the most vulnerable a LeBron James team has looked in years, absent catastrophic injuries. The stars are playing heavy minutes. The offense stagnates when LeBron is off the floor. There’s a surplus of dead-eyed three-point shooters, and almost none of them can play defense. Ty Lue only trusts a few bench guys, and most of them were in college when 9/11 happened. Simply having LeBron James, Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love together is enough to beat almost anyone, but if Love’s knee is banged up, or J.R. Smith’s thumb bothers him, or Tristan Thompson starts to feel patriotic loyalty to his native land, then the door is open for a Cleveland loss.

The Raptors aren’t great at anything, but they’re pretty good at most things. They’ve got three different guys who can sort of guard LeBron, a bunch of forwards who can mostly knock down threes, a center who is solid for 25 minutes a game and Serge Ibaka, who can throw punches very near his opponent’s face. It’s a team that can go from big to small to big again, like Christian Bale’s body between roles. And unlike last year, they won’t be starting Luis Scola.

The Cavs are still the favorites, but if the Raptors catch a break or the Cavs get fatigued, it really will be a world championship in June.