NFL Referee Hotline Bling: Zach Miller gets a truly terrible call

Dear Adam Gase,

We checked the official schedule like you asked, and the record is correct: The Miami Dolphins have won four football games this year. We know, it sounds unbelievable to us as well. That a team that got demolished 40-0 against a 3-4 team on Thursday night was a professional football team at all, much less one that has a winning record, it boggles the mind. That a team with noted malcontent Jay Cutler, that has been outscored by 60 points on the season, is somehow 4-3? A team whose highest-paid player is taking cheap shots at opposing backup quarterbacks, after a Dolphins cheap shot took out the starting QB, has won more games than they’ve lost? But it’s true.

We realize that you and your whole team is ready to pack it in and start preparing for the draft, but as improbable as it sounds, you’d be leading the playoff race if you just beat the Raiders on Sunday night. Sure, Cutler will be playing with cracked ribs, but the Raiders have proved they can lose to anyone this season. Dear God, that’s your second nationally televised game in a row! Of three! You may be the worst offense in the league. You may have traded your top running back before the game starts. But you still only have to beat out the Jacksonville Jaguars, and lord help us all, you might actually make the playoffs.

We’re so sorry.

Regretfully Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Chargers vs. Patriots 

Dear Travis Benjamin,

Hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.

Sincerely Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

P.S. You got the safety due to “negative forward progress,” coincidentally, also what the Chargers have since moving to Los Angeles.

Raiders vs. Bills 

Dear Tyrod Taylor,

Look, it was a pretty generous call to award you a TD on the play where you fumbled as you went over the top, but technically you did break the plane with the ball momentarily. But we understand you have questions to why the Bills got a delay of game penalty on the next play — which was a kickoff.

There are new pace-of-play rules in the NFL this year, and they mandate teams promptly get ready for a kickoffs to save time. And the Bills weren’t ready in time, but the more pressing problem was that there was little-to-no-celebration to cause the delay!

Tyrod, the NFL has tolerance for a little bit of time-wasting after a successful play, but only if they’ve earned it. That means we want to see a dance. We want to see the team pretend to play baseball or hide-and-seek. We want an elaborate pantomime, ideally with puppets, props, or perhaps Kabuki masks. If there’s no firecrackers, if there’s no taunting, if there’s nothing to go viral, then you better hurry your asses up to that tee and kick off already.

Celebratorily Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Bengals vs. Colts 

Dear Chuck Pagano,

We wanted to clarify two questions you had about fumbles in your game against the Colts. First, the play where Brandon LaFell lost the ball going out of bounds. Unfortunately, the defender was just barely out of bounds when he caught the ball, so he didn’t take possession. And also, he’s a Colt, and based on Andrew Luck’s shoulder, Rashaan Melvin’s head and even the return from the Paul George trade, nice things can’t happen to Indianapolis teams.

That’s also the case for the muffed punt recovered by your team. By rule, you can’t advance a muffed punt, but even if it were a rule, the universe would find a way to thwart the Colts somehow.

See You Next Thursday, NFL Referee Hotline