Originally posted on Backyard Sports Blog  |  Last updated 8/28/13
Remember when you were 15 and getting one of your first real experience with boobs? It was awesome. In fact, I'm sure you can recall that first feeling of excitement because it's still equally as awesome as it was the first time. Do you remember the first time you ever tried titty *******? It may not have been as awesome, because let's face it, there's a lot of variables that can go wrong and suddenly it just doesn't seem worth the time. But that's just because you didn't take the chance to maximize your titty ******* experience. Read some of these tips, enjoy the headless boob photos and then convince your girl to give it a try again. Cause why not? 1. Be sure to have your girl get you good and hard prior to wedging your space probe between her gas planets. Her titties aren't going to be able to do the initial work, so just flop it in her mouth real fast or go for the old school handy. Whatever works. 2. Once you're ready, snag a bottle of lube. This is crucial because as you may know, titties can't get wet like your reliable southern friend. Pick up some water or silicone based lube from Adam & Eve and give it a generous squirt. This will help you slip and slide away with the greatest of ease. It will also make her **** look like shiny crystal balls. You'll be able to see your nut busting future in them. 3. Next decide on who's going to be in control. Do you want to be able to control the depth and speed? If so, you should hold her boobs together. If you want to let her do her thing, then hand them over to her to squeeze together. Maybe you could even have a moment by having you both holding them together. Chicks dig that ****. 4. Pump like a champ. Just do the damn thing. Go to town and rock it out like it's your job. You're the best titty ****** in the world. No one can stop you. 5. Get ready and maybe know her stance on pearl necklaces before you just drop some fresh jewelry on her neck. If she's not into it, just finish in her mouth. Duh. #ProTip. 6. Grab a towel or bring your chests together in a ceremonious act of love and rub. 7. Lastly, smile cause you just achieve gold and didn't even have to wrap it up. (Unless you have some sort of VD on your junk that can spread from skin to skin contact... then be a man and wrap your can.) So you may be thinking to yourself, Yo, this sounds awesome, but my girl has some small boobs." Well that sucks, but you can still ram your freighter between her barrier islands. Just have her lay on her stomach and hang her itty bitties over the bed or have her kneel in from of you. Laying down will make them disappear, so cut that out.
GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Levi's Stadium's field problems continue in Super Bowl

Kevin Durant credentialed photographer for Super Bowl

Brady would be 'very jealous' if Manning wins Super Bowl

John Elway takes swipe at John Fox

Jets DT: I won't watch a Super Bowl 'until I play in one'

Hall of Fame coach: Stephen Curry is the best of all time

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Reggie Bush on NFL future: ‘I’m not retiring’

Derek Fisher blasts Rondo over triangle offense criticism

Report: Marshawn Lynch hasn't spent any playing money

Ex-King says he could do 'much better job' than George Karl

Trainer thought Thomas Davis would not play in Super Bowl

Todd Gurley named NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year

Kony Ealy makes one-handed interception of Peyton Manning

Mike Carey gets another call wrong on incomplete pass in SB

Steph Curry beats Panthers' "Keep Pounding" drum

Did Beyonce almost fall down during Super Bowl halftime show?

WATCH: Panthers' Jonathan Stewart leaps over pile for TD

Aqib Talib commits three awful penatlies in first half of SB

WATCH: Broncos score TD after Von Millers sacks Cam Newton

WATCH: Luke Kuechly sacks Peyton Manning

WATCH: Lady Gaga goes over on National Anthem betting

WATCH: Tom Brady booed during Super Bowl 50 MVP ceremony

Cam Newton's cleats have 'MVP' and stats written on them

Concession prices incredibly high at Super Bowl 50

Fan at Super Bowl 50 wears awesome dual-team jersey

All Sports News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Did Beyonce almost fall down during Super Bowl halftime show?

Curry to serve as drummer for Panthers

Report: Marshawn Lynch plans to retire

The 14 biggest plays in Super Bowl history

Five outrageous predictions for Super Bowl 50

QUIZ: Name the winning starting quarterback from every Super Bowl

The top six matchups that could decide Super Bowl 50

Seven unheralded players set to make major impacts in SB 50

10 underrated performances in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest

X-factors in Super Bowl 50

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Help
Follow Yardbarker