Found February 01, 2013 on Kissing Suzy Kolber:
John Harbaugh: Almost game time. Jim Harbaugh: Mmhmmm. John: The talking is finally done. Time to play this thing. Jim: Oh, I’m ready. John: I was ready before I got to New Orleans. Jim: I was born ready. John: I was born ready. And I was born first, so I’m more ready. Jim: The people and creatures I was in previous lives were ready. We carried out our various existences just to bring our collective life force to this moment. John: You would believe in some ***** sh*t like reincarnation. Jim: I also believe I’m gonna win this Super Bowl. John: Well, then, that’s two things you’re wrong about. Jim: GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR John: RRRRRAAAAWWWRRRRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRRG [Door flies open] Jack Harbaugh: Boys, I know you have a lot of important snarling to do, but your mother and I wanted to tell you something before the game: we’re both tremendously proud of you. It’s the dream of every parent that their children exceed them, and that’s exactly what you’ve done. Through hard work and determination, you’ve achieved more than I ever could in life. I’m so glad that I didn’t have to disown you for failing to live up to my expectations. Jackie Harbaugh: I love you so much, my dears. Jack: Now, I’m not gonna soft-pedal this. We all know what’s at stake. Jackie: But we want you to know, no matter what happens, we love you both and that will never change. Jack: That’s right. I will still love the both of you. But only one you earns the right to beat me to death and dispose of my remains in a manner of their choosing. Jim: I got the best place picked out. John: Can’t be better than what I got planned. Jackie: What in heavens are you boys talking about? Jack: Honey, it’s time I came clean. We both know I was tough on these boys growing up. I locked them in cages for weeks at a time. I starved them. I sang off-key. I made them fight the neighborhood dogs. I made them fight each other. I fought whoever won those fights. It was grueling, but I think we both know it was worth it. Jackie: What does that have to do with beating you to death? Jack: Look, you can’t put children through the Harbaugh System of Roughhousing and Mental Conditioning without giving them something to hope for. It would destroy their spirit. They would never make it. As it was, they hated me. They could never show it because I would just beat them for insolence, but I could tell. I could see it in their eyes. That’s fine. It’s a natural reaction. So I harnessed that hate, used it to motivate them. When they were both kids, I promised them that the first one to win a Super Bowl could bludgeon me to death and do with my remains whatever he wishes. The Harbaugh has a collection of whomping canes for this very occasion. Jackie: That’s what those things are for? Jack: Indeed. And come Sunday night, one of our sons will have the honor and privilege of caving my skull in with one of them. Jackie: No! No! I won’t let this happen. This is barbaric! Jack: I’m sorry, honey. You can’t stop this. If you stop this, their entire lives were a lie. John: This is all that’s kept me going, mom. Jim: You have no idea how long I’ve dreamed about pissing on dad’s ashes. Jack: It’s a Harbaugh tradition that dates back generations. Sadly, I never reached the heights they have, so I never got to do it to my father. That’s why that dusty 97-year-old is still with us, to remind me of my shame. This is my release, my love. This will free me and it will free one of our sons. Jackie: But what of the other one? Jack: I don’t know. **** that loser. He doesn’t even get to watch. Believe me, we’ve been over this. Jackie: Well, ****. I better get a ring out of this. The post The Harbaughs Observe A Family Tradition appeared first on Kissing Suzy Kolber.
THE BACKYARD
BEST OF MAXIM
RELATED ARTICLES

Harbaugh brothers could envision working together

John and Jim Harbaugh have received plenty of attention as opposing head coaches in the Super Bowl. At their joint news conference Friday, someone asked the brothers if they could work together if either should be forced out of their current post. John Harbaugh, coach of the Baltimore Ravens, said, ''There's no question about it.'' He said the brothers discussed...

The Harbaugh Bowl: The Deepest Analysis We’ve Ever Made Up

You cannot consume sports media this week without hearing about two brothers facing off for the first time ever in the Super Bowl. Many analysts want to make a big deal about how their relationship will affect the Harbaugh Bowl (HarBowl), but only Cosby Sweaters will literally make a story out of this. Our ‘analysis’ dives deep in to the rivalry between these two brothers going...

Bold changes, part of Harbaugh DNA, led to Super Bowl

It was a nomadic existence considered almost normal when the world you grow up in and know includes a football coach. Save for the lucky ones that can last in one place for a while, most bounce from school to school to school or pro team to pro team, and the family is along for the often bumpy ride. Jack Harbaugh knew that. The father of Jim and John (and Joanie, who married...

Super Bowl Prop Bets: Odds and Advice on Anthem Time, Gatorade Color, Harbaugh Stuff, and More!

It’s been reported that over $1 billion dollars is bet on the Super Bowl, including millions on simply prop bets. They are very entertaining and can range from mildly ridiculous to very ridiculous. Here just a few of them, and, if I were a betting man, which way I would lean. (Odds courtesy of hogshaven.com.) Will any player get a penalty for excessive celebration in the game...

Step Aside Mannings, Harbaugh Family Tree Far More Fascinating!

There will be no Mannings, not at Super Bowl XLVII. It’s brother vs. brother, certainly, a historic Super Bowl tale of opposing coaches. You could say it’s brotherly love, a moment when John Harbaugh, coach of the Baltimore Ravens, will stand across the field from Jim Harbaugh, coach of the San Francisco 49ers Sunday to fight for a possession of the Vince Lombardi Trophy, a 22...

'Dry run' gives Harbaughs idea of what to expect

Jack and Jackie Harbaugh are spending Super Bowl week celebrating the good fortune of having two sons at the pinnacle of pro football. Once the Super Bowl between John Harbaugh's Baltimore Ravens and Jim Harbaugh's San Francisco 49ers has ended this Sunday night, the parents know their first priority will be expressing sympathy to the coach who didn't get to hoist the...

Harbaugh trusts Lewis, who calls report 'B.S.'

NEW ORLEANS - Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh doesn't believe the report that Ray Lewis used a deer antler spray containing the banned substance IGF-1 to aid in his recovery from a torn triceps during the regular season. "He kind of laughed about it and told me there's nothing to it," Harbaugh said.Harbaugh is taking Lewis at his word after a brief discussion...

Family ties continue to bind Harbaughs

NEW ORLEANS -- John Harbaugh and his younger brother Jim shared a bedroom growing up, but they can't split the Lombardi Trophy. One will experience the elation of winning Super Bowl XLVII, the other deflated by defeat. "In any game, that's always something you think about. Jim has pointed this out before, it's not really about how we're going to feel,"...

THE ROAD TO NEW ORLEANS: Talking points leading up to Super Bowl XLVII

Super Bowl XLVII is closing in and there’s plenty to talk about. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens head coach and Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco head coach, are squaring off in the biggest sibling rivalry match in the NFL since the Manning brothers played each other during the 2010 regular season. John and Jim Harbaugh are barely [...]

These childhood photos of Super Bowl XLVII participants are amusing (photos)

Not much setting up needed for this one. World Wide Interweb has tracked down and compiled some photos of San Francisco 49ers players (and their head coach, Jim Harbaugh) and Baltimore Ravens players (and their coach, John Harbaugh) as they were when they were much, much younger, long before these men were preparing to play in all likelihood the biggest game of their lives on the...

Lewis assures Harbaugh report false

Ravens coach John Harbaugh says star linebacker Ray Lewis assured him ''there's nothing to'' a magazine report linking him to a company that makes deer-antler spray containing a banned performance enhancer.

Super Bowl XLVII Preview and Prediction: Baltimore Ravens vs. San Francisco 49ers

The final game of the NFL season is upon us as the AFC Champion Baltimore Ravens prepare to take on the NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47. They meet up in New Orleans in a game that features many unique story lines. From the Harbaughs facing off to Ray Lewis’s final game in the NFL, along with his reported use of banned substances, the game has many off-field angles...

Modell not worthy of Hall

John Harbaugh said at the Super Bowl on Thursday that he hopes folks find it in their hearts to vote Art Modell into the Pro Football Hall of Fame during Saturday mornings vote. Dont expect many hearts in Cleveland to feel that way. And if Modells name is announced Saturday night, dont expect many hearts to accept it with a shrug, or without angry protest. Feelings in Cleveland...
Ravens News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.