Yankees win, but Derek Jeter is terrified of spiders

If there's anything that cheers me up after another Yankees postseason victory, it's an awkward celebration by Derek Jeter. I guess it's easy to laugh at how afraid he is of spiders in this picture, but really, how would you react if you saw a talking spider? Probably not this awkward, but I think you catch my drift.

Sure, a lot of people want to focus on the brilliant start by A.J. Burnett, or the strong effort by Pedro Martinez, or why I've yet to win a Pulitzer for my baseball writing. Since the Yankees won, I will instead choose to focus on two things I can whine about, because really, a grown man whining is so sexy and endearing.

1. I'm done with MLB umpires
I won't bother embedding or linking to the video because it will get wiped clean in hours, but the Ryan Howard "catch" of the Johnny Damon line drive. Come on, man. I'm looking at you, Brian Gorman. You're right there. How many guys do you know who snare a line drive with a runner 50 feet off the bag and throw to second base instead of stepping on the bag? Use your freaking head.

And Chase Utley out at first base? Dude, you're right there. It's your job. I'd love to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're evening things up, but clearly you were just incompetent twice.

And what happened to the strike zone over the final couple innings? Mariano Rivera is outstanding. He doesn't need an extra foot off the outside corner to strike out people. That called third strike to Howard in the ninth was absurd.

Do we need robot umpires? Or just that system they use in tennis that seems to work splendidly? We need something, that's for sure. How about, I don't know, instant replay?

I'm sick and tired of hearing about how if MLB adopted a replay system, games would take forever. So the hell what? That used to be the argument before NFL adopted replay. I don't hear anyone complaining now. Isn't getting it right the most important thing? If a doctor told you they had a better way of conducting your genitals surgery, but the process they'd like to use would add another 15 minutes to your surgery, aren't you jumping all over that?

Want a way to save time on game length if MLB does install replay for the obviously incompetent umpires? Stop letting catchers visit the mound as often as they want. If I had a dollar for every time Jorge Posada went to the mound when there were two strikes on a hitter, I'd have $80 million.

2. Announcers for baseball games -- are they necessary?
There is no slower moving game than baseball. Why do I need someone describing the action for me? As long as there is a broadcast truck filled with graphics people to throw up appropriate names and numbers during the game, I don't need anything else. "Strike three call!" "That ball is gone!" "Under it is Ibanez, he makes the catch for the first out." You're telling me you can't figure that stuff out on your own?

And man, no one hates the Yankees like I do. No one. But could Joe Buck have been anymore anti-Yankee during that game last night? The crowd was on its feet at one point, cheering for a strike out, and Buck has the audacity to say, "At 9:04, the crowd showed up."

Really, jerkstore? I guess they weren't going nuts during the top of the first inning when Pedro Martinez was on the mound. Buck is pompousity (it should be a word) squared.

And Tim McCarver needs to stop guessing pitches. "He's going to see a curve ball here." "Fastball just off the outside corner." Stop it. You're right 1 out of 10 times. Which is why when you end up being right about sending the runners in the eighth to stay out of the Chase Utley double play and you gloat about it for another half-inning, people want to kill you.

From where I was sitting, Jimmy Rollins wasn't getting much of a lead before that double play. Utley is left-handed. Rivera is awesome. If Utley K'd, Rollins would've been a dead duck at third. Then you'd hear McCarver crying about sending the runners with Howard on deck. Just stop guessing and saying what you think should happen so much and just analyze what is actually happening.

In my view, I can't take five more games of this.