I'm not sure if you guys know this about me, but besides having a penchant for hacking away at all things sports and music, I also consider myself one of the world's foremost experts of the corporate turnaround. It's true, because I have a MBA. So today, I'll lend this sage wisdom to the good folks of Detroit to save the petering automotive industry. Detroit, all you have to do is follow these five simple suggestions and commence Industrial Revolution 2.0.1) Work on all those terrible names - Whoever's brother, nephew, or cousin got put in charge of naming conventions in Detroit needs a fucking dictionary. For starters, why would you ever name a car manufacturer General Motors? Who in their right mind wants a general motor? Everyone wants an awesome motor. Detroit should know as well as anyone, considering how they go around hyping up the Hemi in the cars. At least make an effort. Beyond that, just look at the history: the Chevrolet sounds like the offspring of a Russian-French one-nighter; Oldsmobile, that's just a lay-up; and the 90 varieties of the one-day getaway (i.e., Excursion, Escalade, Escape) is just so tired.
2) Stop making a mockery of human innovation - The way I see it, we are at least 8 years behind schedule for flying cars. It's 2008 for the love of Lansing. We should have an entire inter-cumulonimbus network up there by now.
3) Upgrade William Clay Ford, Jr.'s' Image – We may have given up hope that Junior will finally come to his senses and sell the team, but he could at least make things more interesting. I mean, look at Jerry Jones and AL Davis; they may be morons too, but at least they are insane too. Junior is not even fun to make jokes about. He should hang out at the strip bars with Kid Rock, so at least the demise would be fun to watch. Also, since he clearly does not mind letting the Lions go to hell, he should put Matt Millen in charge of the pick-up division at Ford, just to see how it feels
4) Hire more Mexican designers - I'm not sure if you now this, but nobody knows cars like the Mexicans. In fact, if you have never cruised the strip outside Denver on a Saturday night, you've pretty much never seen a real car. Plus, in conjunction with the much more aesthetically appealing (and wildly intimidating) exterior, the Mexicans will be well suited to fix point #1 with much cooler names like El Nino or La Pantera (Spanish for panther).5) Bring back the Bronco II – It's the best car ever created.Subscribe to us
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