Billy Crystal's best jokes

"Enjoy yourselves because nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.”

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

“People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!”

“Hillary Clinton is so old her first political scandal was deleting all her old telegraph messages.”

“I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.”

"True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except a nice MLT—a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe!"

"My grandmother lost her teeth because she never went to the dentist. Mainly because the Cossacks had killed him."

"When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends."

"This is the night where we honor people's achievements and bodies of work, and looking at this crowd, some of your bodies have had lots of work."

"I sat next to [Muhammad Ali] at Howard Cosell's funeral, and he whispered to me, 'Do you think he's wearing his hairpiece?' So I said, 'I don't think so.' And he said, 'Well, how will God recognize him?' So I said, 'Champ, once he opens his mouth, God will know.'"

“I tell you, this Patty Duke’s sexy. Remember the theme song? ‘Patty likes to rock and roll, a hot dog makes her lose control.’ There’s a date I want. ‘Bartender, I’ll have a vodka and tonic, and a Hebrew National for the young lady and keep them comin’.”

“In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.”

“A billion people are watching tonight. Except for Linda Tripp, who’s taping it.”

“I sleep like a baby - I’m up every two hours.”

“There’s a sequel to the great movie ‘Of Mice And Men’ coming out starring George Bush and Dan Quayle. ‘Oh, tell me about the Contras, George. Tell me about the Contras.’”

“I'll never forget what my Uncle Moe said about little girls. He said, 'Officer, she said she was 18!'"

"For me, my family was like, 'Dances With Jews.' Oh sure, we had names for our relatives like they had in that movie. We had ‘Eats With His Hands,’ ‘Spits When He Talks,’ ‘Makes Noise When He Bends,’ ‘Sweats Like a Pig,’ ‘Whines In a Cab,’ ‘Never Buys Retail,’ ‘Shaves His Back.’"

"Great news! Hosting the Oscars counts five hours towards my community service!"

"At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are."

“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”

"We also have the youngest writer/director ever nominated, John Singleton. John of course directed and wrote 'Boyz n the Hood,' the David Duke story."

“My father’s father was an actor. He did Hamlet in Yiddish. Shakespeare was even better in Yiddish than in English but the people in the front row needed raincoats.”

“The way things are going, besides wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.”

“We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.”

"Disney bought a hockey team! It used to be the only Disney on ice was Walt!"