Originally written on The North End End Zone  |  Last updated 9/29/14

Wow, quite a response to our Ultimate Baseball Team. Apparently, everyone is ok with having a dog playing shooting guard, but Ham “The Great Hambino” Porter playing catcher? GOD FORBID!

But thank the lord, we actually had some comments. Debate is a good thing, especially when it’s about something that absolutely does not matter.

Anyways, how about we do something that we actually blog about! FOOTBALL!

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Putting together a fictional football team with all the correct position is much more difficult than we imagined, especially on the defensive side of the ball. While defense wins championships, they are apparently death at the box office. Don’t expect too many honorable mentions.

We’ve learned from Coach LeBeau, and we’re going with a 3-4 formation. On to the team!

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Defensive Line:

Andre Kimm (Sinbad), Necessary Roughness

Julius Campbell, Remember the Titans

Rudy Ruettiger, Rudy

First off, selecting Sinbad was a no-brainer. Anyone that had a role in Jingle All the Way is automatically on the team.

Julius is a born leader, and the real heart behind the championship Titan squad. He was a sack machine, and could really clog up the run.

We may appear to be breaking our rule of “no real players”, but Rudy is definitely more known for the movie than actually playing. Plus, anyone born after 1988 will not be convinced that Notre Dame is an actual football team.

Honorable Mention: N/A, we were lucky to find 3 people to begin with.

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Linebackers:

Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea, Little Giants

Danny Bateman, The Replacements

Bobby Boucher, The Waterboy

Luther “Shark” Luvay, Any Given Sunday


Our linebacker corps is the best part of our defense. Captained by Luvay (played by part-time linebacker, full-time drug addict Lawrence Taylor), this group is ready for anything. Bobby Boucher is out to destroy people. Bateman is a turnover machine. And Icebox is a girl. All of our bases are covered.

Honorable Mention: Gerry Bertier, Remember the Titans.

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Secondary:

Petey Jones, Remember the Titans

Stefan Djordjevic, All the Right Moves

Alan Bosley, Remember the Titans

Brian Chavez, Friday Night Lights

Man, this one was nearly impossible. We actually had to take Alan (who was getting beat like he stole something, but Ryan Gosling, OMFG), who was replaced by Petey. We were also forced to take Tom Cruise, which no one should ever have to do.

Honorable Mention: N/A, this one was way too hard.

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Def. Coordinator: Farmer Fran, The Waterboy

You wanna talk about a turnaround? This guy took a horrible team with a waterboy for a captain, and turned them into a defensive juggernaut. His style may be different, but you can’t argue with results.

Honorable Mention: Coach Yost, Remember the Titans

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Tomorrow, the offense.

Then… well, you know what time it is…

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