Over the past several weeks, as the cold, cruel winds of winter were licking your face with rancour and malice, a group of brave warrior women beset upon a magical journey the world over to find love.
After weeks of careful curation, ABC presents to us mouth breathing masses the only true elixir to our frigid, fragile state... Sean Lowe trying to bang 25 women.
The Bachelor is back.
7:01 - Anyone else feign excitement at work when asked about the National Championship game only to secretly wish you were included when all the girls were talking about The Bachelor? Nah. Me neither.
7:04 - So who sticks around longer this season: Sean's shirt or...
7:04:10 - And we have a winner.
7:26 - We meet Tierra. Who appears to be on Quaaludes until a producer reveals that The Bachelor is Sean. And then we have her Silver Linings Playbook, replete with some poor, poor dog getting talked to about how his/her new 'daddy' will be coming home soon. (Where you at PETA?)
7:27 - Diana. Seems really nice. Small business owner? That's cool. Busy at home? Aren't we all, AMIRITE? Wait, what? 2 kids? TWO KIDS! Have we ever seen the contestant with TWO kids? I mean, the single parent is a staple for some insta-drama, but now we're dropping the deuce on Sean? If Diana wins, it's the biggest upset of all time.
7:29 - Sarah. Sarah is an amputee. What am I supposed to do with this? Honestly? At best, the producers are baiting me into a bad pun. At worst, sending me to hell.
7:30 - Ashley P. Quite the little horndog we've got on our hands here. Spanking. 50 Shades of Grey. Lip biting.
7:33 - Lesley. "There are alot of nerds and alot of politicians in Washington and I'm not into either one." Has anyone ever summed up DC better? Politico needs to think about a new hire.
7:34 - Kristy. "Girls will be jealous of me, no doubt." I'm calling BS on this one. Michelle Money she is not. You can't come in as the bad girl without proving your ****. I don't see it. #FauxHard
7:45 - I guess 'hunk' is making a comeback? Are girls really using this adjective freely in 2013? I think I heard a Holy Toledo in there too.
7:46 - Paige. She's a JumboTron operator. Huh. Bet she is.
7:50 - Tierra gets the first impression rose after revealing that the heart tattoo on her ring finger needs "someone to close it". Next thing you know he'll be meeting the parents and holding dads remote and handkerchief while watching the Eagles game.
8:01 - Yup. We've got a STL area contestant. Her name is Lindsay. And she came in a full-on wedding dress. Somewhere, The Mask smiles.
8:09 - We have a surprise 26th Bachelorette this season, none other than Kacie B. ksja;dfklja;lkdjfa;lkdjJfl;ks jalkjfaksjf;lk jdf;alkdjf. Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard.
8:23 - Oh. Oh, no St. Louis. Let's break this down..
8:28 - Looks like Ashley P. is even drunker and even hornier! You have to imagine that tomorrow is going to be filled with texts from men she hasn't talked to in a long, long time.
8:38 - I mean, am I overlooking something? Sarah is still good looking right? Did I miss the part where they revealed she had a penis? Because guys are really not dating her because she's a partial amputee?
8:49 - Lindasy. The girl above. She got a rose. ST. LOUIS FOREVER!
CUT - Horndog, Ashley H, Kelly, Lauren, JumbTron and possibly others that I'm too lazy to fact check.
THIS SEASON - Pirate ships, helicopters (of course), OLD BOYFRIENDS, being above everyone else, ATTEMPTED MURDER?, tears, more tears, dropped roses, man nipples, big watches, elephant tusk wedding stantions and more...