Originally written on Baseball Professor  |  Last updated 6/14/13
We have all been here. Your team is done. It’s only June, but you get that feeling that your season is over. This is the same feeling that the Kansas City Royals experience about this time of year. This also applies to the Twins, although they have felt this sensation around March 13th in recent years.(Every spring I imagine Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer seeing each other for the first time in Spring Training and a conversation going something like this.) Mauer: “Hey Justin.” Morneau: “Joe.” Mauer: “We ****** again this year?” Morneau: “Yup.” Mauer: “Do you know if they’re still making me catch this season?” Morneau: “Are they still paying you $184 million dollars?” Mauer: “Yup.” Morneau: “Then they have 184 million reasons to make you catch ’til your knees fall off.”Anyway, if you think your team is bad, I have some good news. You’re probably right. Your team is in fact a pile of waiver wire crap. Don’t worry, I fall into this boat as well — thanks a lot, Ike. Here are some ways to cope with your team’s failure.1. Do not admit fault – This is like a car accident. YOU MUST NOT EVER ADMIT FAULT. The key is assigning blame. Take none of the responsibility for the team you drafted and managed into the ground. Had B.J. Upton produced the 60 HR and 40 SB that you were banking on, you would easily be in first place. If anything, you weren’t expecting ENOUGH out of some players.2. Don’t bother analyzing where you went wrong — This is a big mistake people make from year to year. The same draft strategy that you failed with this year isn’t the problem. If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that making the same mistake twice isn’t enough sometimes. Keep trying. Adjusting is the most overrated thing in the world. Just ask any extinct species about making adjustments, and I’m sure they’ll say the same thing. I’ve lived my life by this, and let me tell you, you never really understand the 8th grade until the 3rd or 4th time through. Repeat your draft strategy without hesitation.3. Blame Injuries – This is the easiest one to skate by on. Hey, Troy Tulowitzki can’t get hurt EVERY season, right? (He’ll be a first round pick again next year, no doubt. Let me break Troy Tulo down for you. He’ll have a great month and a half to start the season, then he’ll pull his uterus in May and be out for 6 weeks. He’ll then hit a “small setback” in his recovery, and since the Rockies suck there isn’t a need to rush him back then BOOM, no Troy Tulo for you. Rinse, repeat).Blame injuries that didn’t exist as well. Poor player performance? Cover it up with an injury. “Man, Cole Hamels would have been great if it wasn’t for that hangnail that was dogging him for the entire first half.”4. Fantasy Football – This is easy. While your friends are focusing on winning this fantasy baseball league, get a preemptive strike on football season. Let’s be honest, if my June ever feels like it’s lacking something, it probably because I’m not getting enough Tom Brady, and you can never get enough Tom Brady. Also remember do as much kicker research as possible. I’ve heard they’re crucial.5. Collect Paul’s — This is a good one. You can’t go wrong. Trade for and add as many Pauls as possible. We’re talking Maholm, Goldschmidt, Konerko, that one crappy Astros reliever who everyone mistakes for this one guys kid, everyone. Then name this team “The Alcohpaulics,” “Cerebral Paul-Z,” or something along those lines. You really can’t lose with this. Seriously, how cool is it to just have a bunch of Pauls? This is just cool to me, isn’t it? Well, you get the point. Add all the Jeremys, Nicks or Adams or whatever the hell your name is. I just hope it isn’t Ubaldo.6. Add an entire major league team – I’m talking ALL of the team. Long relievers, bench players, backup catchers, everyone. Go ahead and find the coaches, too. Maybe they’re still in the player pool. You never know.  How awesome would watching your hometown team be if you didn’t just own one guy, but you owned ALL OF THEM. Granted, if your team ever got shut out, you’d be in some hot water, but nonetheless I feel like there is an awesome drinking game associated with this strategy. You can’t truly say your season is over until D.J. LeMahieu is your starting 2B and you’re counting on some guy named Edgmer Escalona to pitch a scoreless inning.I hope these strategies helped for all of those owners out there with crappy teams. Remember, CTS (Crappy Team Syndrome) affects roughly 30% of all fantasy owners. Livestrong-style bracelets are coming soon, and keep an eye out for the 5K. Now make sure to check out next week’s Foul Paul! and be sure to email everyone over at ESPN and Yahoo! that there’s this awesome writer who graduates from college soon and needs a job. I want six figures by the way. I don’t bother with this middle class crap.Anyway, leave a comment. I dare you…
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