Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 6/4/12

Paul Goldschmidt homered yesterday for the 2nd time in two games and third in his last four games.  He’s also hitting around .400 in the last week.  Goldschmidt may have had some Growing Pains, but don’t call him Tracey.  Neil Young and I have been searchin’ for a heart of Goldschmidt, and finally AuShizz is translating from German into actual stats.  Go for the Goldschmidt!  Now I ain’t saying Paul’s a Goldschmidtta.  There’s Goldschmidt in dar hills!  John Jacob Jingleheimer Goldschmidt, his name is on my waivers too!  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns… Breathe!  Remove the cigarette and put on the oxygen mask — stat!  Goldschmidt probably won’t hit above .250, but he can hit another 20 homers and have solid counting stats.  If an impatient owner dropped him early on when he was AuMess, I’d grab him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He now has an ERA of 1.86 in 38 2/3 IP with only 4 walks.  It’s almost like the Twins pride themselves on being a non-flashy, gut-it-out type team so much that they go out of their way to make sure they live up to that reputation.  Liriano’s looking like a perennial Cy Young pitcher with lots of Ks –>  Better send him for surgery, so he needs to fight his way back, we gotta stay blue collar here!  Mauer’s hitting too many homers –> Let’s get him in a pitcher’s park, nothing should come easy for us!  Cuddyer had a career year –> Ship him off and let’s see what Danny Valencia can do, he’s got a special vanilla, no upside quality that our fans can rally behind.  Homers and no-hitters are flashy New York talk!  Gut me out a 7 inning, 2 earned run game with no walks and let’s manufacture three runs so we lose 4 to 3!  Modesto may be in California, but modesty’s here in Minnesota!  So, Scott comes right out of that Twins pedigree of a low walk, low K pitcher.  I’ve been pretty lukewarm before on Diamond, and that’s not going to change with his K-rate below 6.  His walks are so impeccable though, he is worthwhile to add for mixed league matchups, and leagues where you need ratio help.

Carl Pavano – Headed to the DL because it’s illegal to shoot him.

Joe Mauer – Left yesterday’s game with a mild thumb sprain.  If you play baseball, a good rule of thumb is don’t sprain it.

Barry Zito – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA under 2.98, which is about half of Lincecum’s.  As Mark Twain never remarked, “Lincecum, a good fantasy team spoiled.”

Sergio Romo – Got the save on Saturday and Sunday because Casilla had a minor knee injury.  Yeah, and Wally Pipp only had a twenty-four hour bug.  I wouldn’t drop anyone that is getting saves to grab Romo, but I’d try and make room for him on my teams just in case Casilla needs to go to the DL.

Huston Street – Plans to return Tuesday.  For those of you that owned Dale Thayer, this might come as welcome news, but remember, hate the game, not the Thayer.

Will Venable – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique strain.  I imagine for 15 days it’ll be a case of Will Unable.

Trevor Cahill – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.46.  Ever find yourself wondering what a slightly-above pitcher would be like in the best pitcher’s park against the worst hitting team?  Yesterday, Cahill was answering that very question.

Juan Nicasio – To the DL with a knee strain.  What if you strained your knee while you were proposing marriage?  Bad omen?  Or good luck like rain at the wedding ceremony?  Someone should come out with a book, “Answering Grey’s Questions.”  I’d buy it.

Albert Pujols – Will play third base next week while the Angels are in Colorado.  This is to work Morales into the lineup.  Hey, whatever gets Pujols third base eligibility in some leagues with low requirements, I’m cool with.  I do wonder about the need to get Morales into the lineup in Colorado, when The Sciosciapath didn’t even start him in the game yesterday in an American League park, but what do I know?  I’m just a poor boy with good facial hair.

Dustin Pedroia – Hopes to return on Tuesday and work through the torn abductor muscle.  Sounds like a new hire at a raw bar.

Daniel Bard – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Bobby Valentine didn’t only invent the sandwich wrap, but he also invented a way to waste a perfectly good reliever.

Kevin Youkilis – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks.  Somebody knows how to make themselves look attractive to the Diamondbacks.

Phil Hughes – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Sports Blog Statute XI, that was finalized in the back of a Shakey’s Pizza while three extra-wide calzones were split five ways, states under no circumstances should the Red Sox be mentioned without a Yankee mention, so here’s Phil Hughes coming off a huge real baseball win beating Verlander, but I’d keep it in context by saying he has a 4.96 ERA and just gave up seven earned runs against the Angels in his last start.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  A 27 homer, 14 steal season with solid counting stats seems doable.  Not quite what he used to be, but I wouldn’t kick it out of bed, kinda like him and any woman who appears like a man from the back.

A.J. Ellis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer as he raises his average to .315.  He’s hit in 9 out of his last 10 games with 3 homers (while lowering his average from .327).  Not sure where any of this power is coming from with A.J., but since I don’t own him anywhere I’d like it to go away.  Thank you!

Nate Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Saw nothing from Eovaldi that makes me think he’s anything more than an NL-Only starter at this point.  Maybe he can Eovaldi into more.

Carlos Santana – Expected back on Tuesday from a concussion.  He says he felt fine and barely remembers ever doing a duet with Rob Thomas.

Felix Hernandez – After being beat up by the White Sox on Friday, he admitted to having a sore back.  Eric Wedge said Hernandez may have to miss his next start.  Wedge also said he doesn’t have a resume, but he can throw one together if it means a job managing a better team.

Aramis Ramirez – Missed Sunday’s game with a strained quad.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!

Ryan Braun – Didn’t start yesterday with a sore Achilles.  He said he should be fine for the upcoming week, he’s got a new Achilles getting FedEx’d to him.

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Wow, what a weekend from the Mets starters.  Did Gooden come in and give them a pep talk?  I didn’t put pep in quotes there because I’m assuming you know what kind of pep talk Gooden is giving.  Johan went Yo H.A.M., Dickey’s looking like a young Tom Seaver if Seaver threw 65 miles per hour fastballs and Niese looks like Jimmy Durante.  I’ve been saying I’d own Dickey and Niese in the non-bibical way for a while, and these weekend starts only reenforced that.

Garrett Jones – Homered on Saturday and Sunday and hitting close to .400 over the last week.  You need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup because he doesn’t play vs. lefties.  In deep, daily leagues, you can get some value here.  Or not.  For instance, “Hey, horse, here’s water.”  Horse, “Neigh.”

Michael Fiers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Eight strikeouts and only one walk is solid, but 4 earned in 5 obviously isn’t so good.  That’s okay, no tears for Fiers.  He’s still only an NL-Only play.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  McDonald now has 71 Ks in 71 1/3 IP, a 2.14 ERA, a 0.95 WHIP and a sesame seed bun.

Zack Cozart – Went 4-for-10 Saturday and Sunday with his 6th homer, 2 RBIs and 4 runs.  Andrelton Simmons went 1-for-7, but you can’t put a price on exciting upside!  Though, in Andrelton’s case if you could put a price on it, it would be 1-for-7 while missing out on Cozart.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3 with a slam and legs.  And I only had to pluck two eyelids worth of eyelashes for my wish to finally come true.

Vin Mazzaro – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Finally, an Italian that uses his ability for breaking balls for good.

Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  This start was away, but his home ERA is 0.98.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.81, which is coincidentally also his weight.  I’m not an athlete, I’m a baseball player!

Chris Sale – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, I told you to just sell him, and now it goes doubly so.  His value may not get higher.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

Carlos Lee – To the DL.  Astros said it’s a terrible blow to their team because he’s the spiritual core of the team, a veteran presence in the clubhouse and whatever else would make him attractive to other teams in a trade.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Yup, his average is down to .244.  There’s a thing called spatial disorientation where pilots get confused about where they are in relation to the earth.  It’s similar to when people see me and think I have three eyebrows and can’t appreciate that it’s a mustache over my lip and not another eyebrow.  This also effects people with catchers.  They see J.P. Arencibia or Salty hitting homers and see Wieters struggling, so they get spatially disoriented.  Did I have Wieters higher than he should’ve be?  Is Salty above him?  You’re letting two week hot streaks confuse you.  Wieters will have 20 homers and a .270 average at the end of the year; that’s all you need to know.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  I’d be surprised if he has less than 25 homers this year, so he’ll have at least (NOTE:  Fill in number after I get my calculator watch fixed; make sure I fill in before posting this, otherwise I’m gonna look real dopey that I can’t do 25 minus 3 in my head) more homers this year.

Adam Jones – On Monday, he’s going to have an MRI on his wrists.  His owners are pist.  One wrist had been bothering him for a while, and the other one has been bothering him since Wednesday when he was hit by Morrow.  While it was nice he was filling in for Matt Kemp on our fantasy teams, taking on the moniker Matt Temp, he’s taking it too far if he thinks he needs to go to the DL too.

Matt Moore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Still haven’t highlighted him as a Buy, but I have said I’ve been meaning to highlight him as a Buy for the last two weeks.

Edwin Encarnacion – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand by a pitch.  X-rays came back negative, or if you over-thesaurus, the X-rays came back half filled.

Mike Morse – 0-for-8 with 3 Ks since his return.  Whatever, Bryce Harper hit a home run!  This Bryce Harper moment was brought to you by ESPN and Don’t Put It On Your Whole Face Or It’s Racist eye black.

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