Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 5/22/12

Lance without an ACL isn’t NE good.  With a torn meniscus, Lance Berkman is only out for six to eight weeks.  “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline.  Today’s story is about an aging vet.  A vet that the media began reporting as finished.  Done.  But where this vet saw the end, his knee saw just a setback.  Also, on tonight’s Dateline:  Can you get cancer from playing with your cat?”  Berkman and I haven’t always seen eye to eye.  Last year, he berated me in the comments for not believing in him, then disappeared this year when he wasn’t going well.  I hold no ill feelings towards him.  That competitive edge that drove him to compete also drove him to comment on our site.  Last year, A-Rod missed 6 weeks with a torn meniscus.  I’d put him and Berkman around the same level of gimpiness.  So Lance B. coming back around mid- to late-July.  With Berkman out, Matt Adams should have a nice long leash.  I already went over my Matt Adams fantasy.  I wrote it while cringing at contestants on The Next Food Network Star.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Neftali Feliz – To the DL with right elbow inflammation and could be out for 6 weeks or longer.  This is the Rangers simply watching his innings so he’s okay in the playoffs.  Wouldn’t shock me to see him not starting again until August, unless the Rangers start sliding in the division, which seems doubtful without the Angels, A’s and M’s all combining into one super-mediocre team, the Mangelics, then combining all of their wins.

Roy Oswalt – The Rangers are suddenly interested in bringing in Oswalt.  Uh-oh, the Mangelics better bring in Cliff Lee.

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 4 ER.  He’s only been roughed up twice this year.  Both times vs. the Mariners.  Now, I’m not saying anything funny’s going on here, but… Well, I am.  When I was in Little League, my best friend was the best pitcher in our league and, before a game where we were facing off, he came to me and said he’d groove a pitch for me to hit.  As anyone knows who has played baseball, if you know a ball is going to be right down Broadway, your confidence boosts and you hit the ball hard.  So far, Ichiro hasn’t hit anything well this year, except against Yu.  They’re guilty!  Hmm… Now that I think about it, this will be a good anecdote to get me out of jury duty.

Sean Marshall – Got the one out save yesterday because Aroldis was used a lot recently, and doing 93 in a 55 rather than 99 in a 60 and 6 inches.

Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks while pitchslapping Mike Minor.  Totally solid game from Mike Leake, which sounds like a name Bart would ask for at Moe’s.  His K-rate hasn’t been good and, in most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more before adding him.

Drew Stubbs – 2 hits, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  That’s two by four, which is a Hacksaw Jim Duggan Special!

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Buh-bye, Freddy Galvis and Dozier or whatever schmohawks I was rocking at shortstop.  I’m back in on Cozart.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer while batting .280.  He’s been so much better than Ryan Zimmerman, and now my blood pressure is higher than Billy Joel’s cholesterol.

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was pulled for the Sean Burnett save.  Johnson said he’s had it up to “here” with Rodriguez.  The “here” being about 4 feet lower than Rodriguez throws most of his pitches.  Johnson indicated he could just go to a committee, which never makes anything better from a fantasy standpoint.  I’m gonna hold BB-Rod in my leagues, because Johnson has gone back to him before.  In leagues where you’re desperate for saves, Burnett and Clippard could see opportunities.

Vernon Wells – Has a torn thumb ligament.  Will be out for at least 2 months.  The Angels are in talks to acquire Adam Lind.  I’m kidding.  The Angels have labeled their Blue Jays iPhone contact as “Telemarketer” so they never answer the phone when they call.

Jerome Williams – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You, “Coming off a bunch of solid starts, then Jerome gives up ten baserunners in 6 1/3 innings against the A’s in O(that’s a big stadium).co.  What gives, Grey?”  I streamed him, that’s what.

Miguel Montero – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain, which is more painful but less annoying than a strained groan.

Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s hitting .350 over the last week and, like Mr. Chiquita Banana, he usually hits them in bunches.

Jason Marquis – Twins designated him for assignment.  Man, the Twins are pink-slipping more people than Victoria’s Secret.

Ryan Braun – Homered then left yesterday’s game (which still might be going) with some groin tightness.  I used to get that whenever my 10th grade English teacher called on me.  Very embarrassing.

Irving Falu – 1-for-3, hitting .415 since his call-up.  Irving Falu, who sounds like the only Jewish Hawaiian in the world — “Hey, guys let’s have a luau, but instead of burying a pig, let’s bury a brisket,” could fill in while Getz gets (stutterer!) better from his rib injury.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, now.  This will be here when you return.  If you want the gist of the rest of the post before you go, here, “And that’s me quoting me!  C) There is no C.  Schmohawk, yawnstipating, hot schmotato… SAGNOF!”  Now go!

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4 on Sunday, a homer on Monday, on your team on Tuesday.

Orlando Hudson – White Sox announced that Hudson would be their 3rd baseman.  I’d rather Orlando who ran the strip joint on The Wire be my team’s 3rd baseman.  The White Sox were seeking a vacation from 3rd base mediocrity and settled on the lamest choice possible – Orlando.

Jeremy Hefner – Will be taking over Miguel Batista’s spot in the rotation while he’s on the DL.  Hefner sounds like a Playboy heir, but his career AA/AAA stats (6-7 K/9, 2-3 BB/9) look like he’s more of a hustler.

Brian Roberts – Said he was close to starting a rehab assignment.  On a side note, his picture looks like he saw the Ghost Of His Former Self.

Jose Reyes – 4 for his last 10 with 3 steals.  Hey, the fifteen minute handshake that ends with Ozzie lighting a fire under his ass is working.

Austin Kearns – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, and a steal as he started in left field.  With Gaby causing the Marlins Triple-A affiliate to build a women’s locker room and Logan playing 1st base, Kearns might see time in the outfield.  Really only an NL-Only play for now.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 as he crushed Jamie Moyer with a grand salami.  Hey, Giancarlo, I like cougars too!

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 7 ER. Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh, God, I’m bleeding from all sides!  Please, make it stop!

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he lowered his ERA to 3.14.  I’ve been telling you to pick him up since April.  We’re good, right?  All right, cool.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Nothing says desperation like picking up Chris Johnson before he gets around the bases.  Chris Johnson, welcome to the Grey Albright All-Stars, feel free to use my lineup for your bathroom.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4 with a slam (7) and legs (2).  I’m getting people asking me in the comments if they should drop him.  Seriously, what do you want at MI?  He’s been better than Robinson Cano!

B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 with a double that was overturned into a homer.  I once had a two bagger overturned into a homer and that also involved a B.J.

Cory Leubke – Scheduled for Tommy John surgery after taking a few weeks to get a few different doctors’ opinions.  Too bad opinions aren’t like elbow tendons.

Cody Ross – Out for two months with a fractured bone in his foot.  If you have two first names, you should have four feet.  Cust kayin’.

Clay Buchholz – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER to raise his ERA to 7.84.  Anyone that dares own him in fantasy knows his nickname should be Butthurtz.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-5, 1 RBI.  Now with the Ross injury, the Red Sox are leaning towards keeping Middlebrooks in the majors.  I can’t imagine why.  Their outfield yesterday was Che-Hsuan Lin, Marlon Byrd and Daniel Nava.  One guy who wasn’t even a starter on his college team (Nava), one guy who the Cubs couldn’t wait to lose (Byrd) and one guy Red Sox fans are deluding themselves about because his name looks like Lynn and he likes rice.


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