Found June 09, 2012 on Comedic Prose:

The Seattle Mariners tossed a six man no-hitter. That’s right, a six man no-hitter. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. I thought after the first pitcher was out, it was over. I didn’t know you could combine player stats. Someone should have told the New York Mets a week ago, because I’m sure they would have pulled Johan Santana. Instead of letting him go bionic man, and throw his arm off for the sake of history. So credit the Seattle Mariners on reading the fine print on the qualifications of a no-hitter. Thanks to that clause, Jun 8th 2012 will be known as the day the Seattle Mariners hit bottom.

The Mariners made history, but not the type of history you want to make. A six man no-hitter is an indictment not an accomplishment. It should be viewed the same way as John Daly golfing shirtless, or Mike Tyson going bath salts on Evander Holyfield’s ear. So for all the Mariners fans that were celebrating, you look like dopes. Slip your Birkenstocks back on and walk with your head down to your Subaru. You don’t celebrate mediocrity, unless it’s Detlef Schrempf of course.

You know you’re at bottom as a sports franchise, when you’re being celebrated for your futility (Chicago Cubs style). Hitting bottom can be great for a fan base, because it forces your franchise to make changes. After the Seattle Mariners’ showing, no one can deny their problems. First off, they don’t have quality arms in the bullpen, and before Mariner fans point out the number of pitchers that didn’t give up a hit. Consider that fact that it took six pitchers, to not give up a run. If that’s your recipe for successful pitching, you might want to start scouting beer league softball games for some extra arms. The hitting is also awful. They scored a single run, which can be seen as an admiration. However, I’ve had the pleasure of watching Justin Smoak swing and miss for 3 months. So the idea that that is happenstance is ridiculous. The reality is that the Seattle doesn’t have a single hitter in their lineup to be feared. Ichiro Suzuki is a great singles hitter, but singles are only scary when runners are in scoring position.

The Seattle Mariners need to be fixed, and the bottom is a good place to start.

They have some great pieces, but 80% of their roster is a Triple-A team. In order to win big they have to change their roster. If they don’t, there will be a lot of six man no-hitters to come.


Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane


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