Originally written on Croix De Candlestick  |  Last updated 4/1/13
Right about here would be where I wax poetic about Opening Day finally arriving. I’d probably say something about the smell of freshly cut grass, quote Ted Williams, wave an American flag around, and call it a day. Instead I guess I should talk about what just transpired at Dodger Stadium. (AP Photo/Jae C. Hong) In case anyone hasn’t been watching baseball the last three or so years, Clayton Kershaw is really good at the game of baseball. Like, really good. That being so, it wasn’t all that shocking to see the Giants spend nine innings flailing at a curveball that Kershaw only could have learned from Satan himself. But the real pain of today came right around the time that George Kontos threw a Sandoval-sized fastball right down the middle to the aforementioned demon-spawn that is Clayton Kershaw. There is literally nothing more painful than a Dodger pitcher homering and shutting out the Giants on Opening Day. And when I say “literally” I’m not exaggerating for effect; I’m talking white-hot pain of a billion suns here, people. Last year the Giants blew a six run lead on Easter Sunday to start the season. This year Clayton Kershaw, patchy beardface and all, single-handedly smote the Giants all the way back to a time where there was no recorded history and sabre-toothed tigers wandered the icy tundra in vicious packs. So let’s search for some silver linings. I’ll make a list: Baseball was played today. That’s pretty cool. The only thing Matt Cain has in common with Clayton Kershaw is that he too is very good at baseball. For the next six months we get to introduce them at the “Defending World Series Champion Giants” and I will never ever get tired of this. That was just one game take it one day at a time 161 games to play blah blah blah. Despite serving up Clayton Kershaw’s first ever career home run, I still really like George Kontos for some reason. Dude grows some pretty impressive stubble. No really, there were like twelve games today, I counted. I think it’s officially baseball season but I can’t be certain. Going to have to check my sources and get back to you on that one. And with that I feel a mite calmer. The real test though will be enduring the endless deluge of “OMG THE DODGERS CHEMISTRY” on ESPN for the next week. That said, If anyone mentions the name Clayton Kershaw to me in the next week, I will buy you a puppy, watch you love and raise it, and wait. I will wait and watch as you and that dog form an immutable bond rivaled only by the greatest dog/man combinations in history. I’m talking Lassie/Timmy-in-the-well level love here. Then, when you least expect it, you will have learned a valuable lesson about responsibility and will feel super guilty about making me sad after I bought you a dog. How’s that for an elaborate revenge scenario?
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