Originally written on Baseball Prospectus  |  Last updated 11/18/14

For as great of a postseason as Major League Baseball had in 2011, the winter signing season has gotten off to a rocky start. On the day St. Louis Cardinals demigod Albert Pujols was introduced in front of the gleaming smiles of Orange County Angels fans after signing a 10-year, $254 million contract, news broke that reigning National League MVP Ryan Braun had tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug of some kind and faced a 50-game suspension. Needless to say, these were not the kinds of issues baseball fans growing up in the 1950s and 1960s had to deal with. In order to comment on these stories, we here at Wezen-Ball have enlisted the help of Grumpy Old Man, a stalwart of 1990s "Saturday Night Live" who has been in retirement these last 15 years or so. Take it away, Grumpy!

I'm a grumpy old man and I don't like things the way they are now compared to the way they used to be!

Nowadays they got a thing called "steroids", where players take pills and inject things into their butt to make them bigger and stronger and better. Phooey!

In my day, players didn't care about getting stronger or better. They had their flabby, billowy bodies and they liked it! Every time someone wanted to get stronger, they tied themselves to the nearest pair of cars and pulled and pulled until their muscles shredded in their arms. It was a mess, with players arms flapping around like an elephant's ears. If players were caught by the league, their chicken salad arms were stapled to their foreheads, leaving their forearms to flop around like a trunk!

And players didn't just get to choose where they wanted to play for however much they were worth! Flibbity-flobbity-floo! Progress! Ha!

In my day, players were lucky to wear a jersey anywhere! Scouts grabbed players off farms all over the country and stashed them into their travel trunks, feeding them with the droppings of their pet parrots. When they got to the club's city, the players were thrown into a dark, moldy pit below home plate and made to catch rats with their teeth! The star players would show up to the locker room with blood-stained lips and flecks of rat meat stuck in their hair. Bench-warmers would be lucky if they hadn't spent the night gnawing on their own flesh for sustenance.

That's the way it was and we liked it! We loved it! Because we were idiots. We were rubes. Just a bunch of fools living in moldy pits under home plate with our permanently damaged arms stapled to our foreheads and our forearms flopping around like elephants' trunks chasing rats around in the dark, hoping to be lucky enough to taste bird ****!

And that's the way it was and we liked it!

GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

J.R. Smith suspended two games for hitting Jae Crowder

Duke takes over as the No. 1 recruiting class

Kevin Love not expected to be available next series

Titans have reportedly been 'all over' Marcus Mariota

Report: Browns talked with Redskins about trading up

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Doc Rivers tore into Clippers in film room after blowout loss

Jon Jones facing felony charge for leaving scene of crime

Josh Hamilton officially traded back to Rangers

Report: Landing Adrian Peterson too costly for Cardinals

Report: Antonio Brown joins Steelers voluntary work outs

Charles Barkley: JR Smith should be suspended 10 games

Report: Brady was at stadium day of White House visit

Arkansas has leather belt to commemorate Texas Bowl win

John Angelos, Orioles got it right with Freddie Gray protest

Belichick's girlfriend fine with coach checking out Teigen

V. Stiviano posts birthday message to 'BFF' Donald Sterling

Mark Cuban and the inevitable playoff peril of the Mavs

Wizards made Raptors look bad while remaking themselves

Previewing Game 7 showdown between Islanders and Capitals

WATCH: Rick Carlisle tapes mouth shut so he can't rip refs

NFL Draft 2015: Ranking the quarterbacks

Greg Hardy faces teammate, Cowboys locker room leak

Top 10 storylines for the 2015 NFL Draft

MLB News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Duke takes over as the No. 1 recruiting class

Titans have been 'all over' Mariota?

Doc Rivers tore into Clippers after loss

Jon Jones facing felony charge

Worst picks ever by every NFL franchise

Report: Cowboys not in on Peterson

NFL Draft 2015: Ranking the QBs

Top 10 storylines for the 2015 NFL Draft

Paul Pierce trolls Raptors fans

Yes, ESPN2 is airing video games

Darko Milicic is enjoying life

Pitcher throws perfect game, still loses

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.