Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 8/10/12

The Brewers called up shortstop, Jean Segura. Woohoo! Now, on various teams, I have Domonic Brown, Mike Olt, Straily, Starling Marte, Brett Jackson, Josh Vitters and some serious Short Eyes. I’m basically the creepy guy hanging around the playground in my Astrovan, blasting “Hey Nineteen” wearing candy jewelry like I’m Mr. T. ”Psst! Jean Segura, what kind of speed you got? Hmm, sounds nice. You wanna watch Bad News Bears Go To Japan? I got a Betamax in the back of my van. What do you mean, ‘Why am I squeezing your hamstrings?’ I gotta make sure they’re healthy to…uh, watch the movie. Here, have a wax coke bottle and shut up.” The rookie nookie is either gonna save some of my teams or I’m gonna go down in a blaze of upside glory. Segura’s got solid speed and, at middle infidel, you should pick him up for that reason alone. In 102 games, he had 37 steals in Double-A. That’s it; that’s all you need. Now, to further the case, he can maintain a solid average — think around .280. He doesn’t strike out a whole lot. Also, he has light power — 7 homers in Double-A. He’ll probably be a bit more raw (rawer?) than the guy I’m about to compare him to, but he looks similar to…Wait for it… Here it comes…Shoot, I had it in my pocket but I changed my shorts…I know, I left it in my Buddhist sand garden that I built to assuage my Eric Hosmer stress… Here it is! He looks like he could be Jose Altuve. Over the course of a season, 7-10 homers, 25-30 steals and a .280-.300 average. For now, I’d just grab him because of his position eligibility and upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton - Shut down for the season with a bad hip. Trainers are still deciding whether to fix the hip and send Helton to stud or shoot him. While the former might net a future All-Star, the latter would ensure he could be the clubhouse glue in perpetuity.

Manny Banuelos – Yankees shut him down for the season after he threw in 6 games this year. Cashman said he’s got a full set of Banuelos Rules that echo Joba Rules, only instead of not pitching him in back-to-back games, Banuelos can’t pitch in back-to-back months.

Santiago Casilla – Right after I posted all the major league closers, Bochy announced the Giants would go with a closer-by-committee. The only thing done better by committee is jerk seasoning, but we’re talking about Bochy here and he’s known for his jerk reasoning. I grabbed Affeldt in one league where I need saves and I’d look at Romo too, if he were available. I wouldn’t drop Casilla in most leagues either, unless you’re stocked with closers and don’t need the headache.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the DL. Yeah, but Trout stole three bases! All right, enough about him. So, Erick Aybar doesn’t have 19 homers and 36 steals after missing one month of the season and he’s not hitting .348 with a .411 OBP, but he could provide some nice value at MI. Something Trout can’t claim. It’s the one thing. But I’m sure he’s working on it.

Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks to move his record to 15-1. You know, I’m not sure the Cy Young voters are gonna care that his ERA and xFIP don’t match up. Well, Keith Law might.

Zach McAllister – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER and 7 unearned runs. Holy ticker shock! I said you should be looking to drop McAllister after his last start and now that’s a double affirmative. You gotta love when your pitcher is due to regress but ends up giving up a crapton of unearned runs, bailing you out. BTW, if you went to Ticker Shock in the glossary, you’ll notice more pronunciations courtesy of Awesomus Maximus’s daughter. I especially enjoy Cuddle Boy.

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 0 Walks, 5 Ks, ERA is at 4.53. Belch, for sure. When you’re done expelling your gas, you’ll see that if you throw out two terrible starts, his ERA is 3.39 on the year. And if I were two inches taller I’d be dating a supermodel and dining in the Hamptons with my friends, who call me Gré.

Travis Snider – Has now sat out back-to-back games. Damn, no matter what he can’t get playing time. Snider could be traded to the Astros and get benched so they can start an extra catcher, you know to back up passed balls.

Nick Markakis – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Markakis! Let’s just say when I started the blog “Markakis!” had a lot different tone to it. Now it sounds sarcastic. Or like Kramden yelling at Norton in the Greek Honeymooners adaption, which would star Andy Milonakis and Constantine from American Idol. Let’s call it, “The Greek Yogurt with Honeymooners.”

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, now has a 2.85 ERA. I think that’ll surprise some people. He’s still pitching above his head. Well, he’s not a sidearmer. Cute, Random Italicized Voice. I mean, he can’t keep this up. That’s what she said! What? I do now hope he gets out of 2012 with an ERA that pretty, so he’s surely overdrafted next year and don’t call me Shirley.

Ben Sheets – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA is at 1.41. As the Party Rock Crew would say, Sheets! Sheets! Sheets!

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3 and his 19th homer. Now hitting .313 and has 80 RBIs. Where’s the love for the big man? He doesn’t eat meat. For a 400 pound man that should be enough.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks vs. the Yankees. Nancy Reagan’s astrologer saw this game and he thought it was a vision of October, but he’s senile.

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win. You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick streamers like the Stream-o-Nator. In the movie adaptation of Razzball, the Stream-o-Nator will be played by Kevin Dunn as seen on Luck.

Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs. If an Astro gets a slam & legs, does it make a sound? No, no it doesn’t.

Jon Jay - 4-for-4, 2 RBIs with 4 singles, which perfectly encapsulates The Federalist. He did homer on Saturday though, so this might be the start of a little something-something. Emphasis on the ‘little’ and first ‘something.’

Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 17th homer and now hitting .329. You in March, “Hey, Grey, you ever write for Scientific American cause it’s all smart and crap like you? Any the hoo! Posey in the 4th round — yay or nay?”

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games (slightly misleading, because he was in Coors this weekend). Still, he looks like he’s trying to boost his overall season numbers with a late season charge. I’d look at him if he’s available in shallower leagues, though he does seem like a guy that would be on abandoned fantasy teams.

Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Supposed to be an everyday starter now that Helton and Cuddyer are out, but so was Colvin and the Rockies played Matt McBride at 1st. Basically, Snider and Eric Young Jr. could go start their own team and whoever they hire to manage won’t start them.

Matt Garza – As I speculated yesterday after reading shizz elsewhere, sounds like Garza is done for the season. How did I know? Does my mustache cover a 2nd brain? Is my brain the model for the rover, Curiosity? Nah, he’s a pitcher with an elbow injury and it’s August.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. I grabbed him in one league in case this is the start of one of his patented hot streaks that Ty Wigginton is suing him over because he patented it first. Both homers were off lefties, so I don’t think there’s much to see here yet.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Nice solid start and he only threw 101 pitches so Sale was *pinkie to mouth* economical.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer, now batting .228. Not totally sure how he’s still in the majors. He’s gotten by with so little for so long we should call him Gordon Kardashian.

Yu Darvish – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 15 baserunners, 9 Ks. Luckily, he didn’t sign with the Yankees or the headlines would be, “Yu Suck.”

Elvis Andrus - Out of Monday’s game with a sore shoulder, but should be good to go on Tuesday. Hey, that’s today! Hey, Tuesday, say hello to your mother for me.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-3 with his 2nd steal in as many games. Kalish must’ve stole the Jewish deli karma from Kipnis. Wait until the Padres call up Pete Bialy!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. Hitting over .400 in August (yeah, it’s a small sample size) and he hit .315 in July. Guess he was sick of the ref raising his arm to see if he was still conscious.

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. FWIWuertz, Doumit has more RBIs and fifteen points in average on Morneau. Take that information and seventy cents and you can’t make a phone call because payphones no longer exist.

Ben Revere – 4-for-5, 3 runs and 1 RBI. I’m guessing he’s like Lind in the inverse. As long as youse don’t pick him up, he’ll keep hitting on my team. Hey, what’s that next blurb? Votto news? Go read that!

Joey Votto – Running at close to full speed. Sounds like my Hyundai.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, P.C. That’s Post Cortisone. Can we inject Hosmer with some cortisone?

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Guys and four female readers, the mediOAKers are taking their name to a whole different place as they all look like they should be shut down (except Straily).

Eric Stults – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. After the game, Eric Stults was bragging about how he looked Some Kind of Wonderful, then he made out with an androgynous mechanic in overalls.

Giancarlo Stanton – Supposed to return today. NSndn;canjd xani…Sorry, was trying to write with my fingers crossed.

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