Wisdom and Links: Walk Through Hell In A Gasoline Suit, If There’s Another Dollar To Be Made – The Commercials of Pete Rose, Kool-Aid Savior

This is from a prehistoric age of Pete Rose commercials, and the sound hasn’t survived. However, apparently this was his favorite commercial ever, since it had him on camera doing such Pete Rose things like making catches, stretching singles into doubles, and sliding head-first. Rather mundane, it’s unlikely anybody had any idea the madness that would ensnare future Pete Rose commercials.

1976 – PSA for MLB

We now jump forward nearly a decade to 1976. This isn’t to say that there weren’t commercials featuring Charlie Hustle between 1968 and 1976, merely that they don’t survive on YouTube. Here, we see Pete make a generic pitch for how great it is to go to a baseball game. Interestingly, it appears that this ad was done during a game itself, which seems counter-intuitive until you realize that MLB continues to do basically the same thing to this day- with a key difference. You see, while today’s MLB commercials that air DURING MLB EVENTS are basically just reminders of how great baseball is and feel like self-congratulatory pats on the back, this commercial seems to be telling people to get away from the TV and go to the game in person. It was a different time.

1976-1980ish – Aqua Velva (several commercials)

From 1976 to 1980 (at least), Pete Rose was in several Aqua Velva commercials. It was here where Pete Rose’s commercial career took a turn for the weird. Here they are in roughly-chronological order:

This one, also starring Vic Tayback from “Alice” and the classic “Star Trek” episode “A Piece of the Action”, features Pete Rose singing. Yes, as you can see/hear and never unsee/unhear, they got Pete Rose to sing the Aqua Velva jingle. And it sounds like they actually got him to sing, unlike the obvious dubbing done years later in a Roger Clemens commercial for Zest. Now, one of the weird things about this commercial is that Pete, a fan (Tayback), the umpire and a stadium vendor all get on the field to sing the jingle and nobody particularly cares. I mean, you’d think somebody would care about this flagrant delay of game. Jeez.

And now, sexism! Here, we see Pete Rose seduce a member of the “working press” with his Aqua Velva salesmanship. Creepy and uncomfortable, this is.

A few years later, as Pete Rose headed to Philadelphia, an old teammate appeared with him in an Aqua Velva commercial: Joe Morgan. And here, we learn what exactly ballplayers say to each other when one reaches base: they ask each other about their aftershave. I mean, how could a commercial lie to us? Also, I must applaud this commercial for referencing the sheer ridiculousness of the original Aqua Velva commercial with Joe Morgan’s head-shake at the end.

Pete’s final Aqua Velva commercial (above), had him tell his son about how all the girls will love him in a few years when he starts using Aqua Velva. Well, at least they finally hired an actual professional jingle singer.

1977 – Jockey Print Ad

Nope. Just… nope.

1978 – Atari Video Computer System (AKA Atari 2600)

The Atari 2600 (originally called the Atari Video Computer System) had some heavy hitters, and it appears that it was able to humiliate them all: Rose was struck out by the Home Run Cartridge, Pelé was vanquished by Air Sea Battle, and Don Knotts, it seems, was thrown in jail by Breakout! Woah, the Atari 2600 was kind of a dick.

1978 – Hungry Man

Once again, we lack sound, so what exactly Pete told America about Hungry Man will forever be left to conjecture.

1979 – Baseball Fever

BASEBALL FEVER, CATCH IT, WOOOOOO!

1981 – Encyclopedia Britannica 3 (three commercials)

Centuries from now, when our civilization is long dead and future archeologists search through our old internet servers for meaning and clues as to what we were like, they will come across these three advertisements by Pete for the Encyclopedia Britannica. And then they will realize that Pete Rose had held a wealth of knowledge right in between two replica World Series trophies and right under a Gold Glove. They will scour the ruins of Ancient America, and they will find them, still there. And that, friends, is how Pete Rose will indirectly save western civilization. Thanks, Pete Rose!

1981 – Grecian Formula

By 1981, Pete was 40. So, he got to tap into the old-guy joke reserve. Look at Pete Rose with that old man hair! Ha!

1982 -Grecian Formula (again)

“Play younger,” says Pete Rose. I don’t know, age-reducing substances are probably PEDs, Pete.

1985 – Wheaties

Crud, now I have that jingle in my head.

(That’s what, the BIG BOYS EAT!)

1986 – Kool-Aid

It is here, as Rose’s playing career reached its end, that perhaps the most hallucinogenic of all Pete Rose advertisements occurred. Words do it no justice. Just go up there, watch it, then come back down.

Okay, did you watch it?

Good.

Now, WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? THE KOOL-AID MAN JUST SHOWS UP RANDOMLY WHILE KIDS PLAY BASEBALL AFTER APPEARING OUT OF NOWHERE IN SOME DISCO-TRON LSD FANTASY DESERT, RUNS AND INTERRUPTS PETE ROSE’S GAME BY DESTROYING A SCOREBOARD, AND THEN RUNS BACK TO THE KIDS IN LSD-TRON LAND? AND THEN PETE ROSE FORGIVES HIM FOR HIS PROPERTY DAMAGES AND GIVES HIM THE GAME BALL?

Entire religions have been formed on lesser visions, therefore, may I interest you in a pamphlet about the Church of Our Dual Kool-Aid Saviors (CODKAS), Pete Rose and Kool-Aid Man? OOOH YEEEAAAAH!

1986? – Nestle Crunch (at least twice)

In these commercials, our Pete Rose hits a home run just so that he can have a bite of a Nestle Crunch bar, and then later is given a Nestle Crunch bar in exchange for an autograph. Truly, a prize worthy of one of our Kool-Aid Saviors.

1987 – Tegrin

The then-Mrs. Rose shows up in this one, the last commercial I could find for Pete before the Kool-Aid Savior was banished from baseball forever. In fact, that leads to the next thing…

1995 – Pizza Hut Ad Cancelled

Yes. In 1995, there was supposed to have been a Pizza Hut commercial with Pete Rose that ended with a kid telling him “You Bet” and then Pete saying that was a poor choice of words.

Whatever executives who deprived us of this commercial must be considered the demons of the Church of Our Dual Kool-Aid Saviors. Do not let the Pizza Hut Executives bring you into temptation, ye faithful, trust in our Dual Kool-Aid Saviors.

2002 – WWE No Mercy

As I mentioned earlier, Pete Rose is part of the WWE Hall of Fame due to various appearances on WrestleMania as well as other events. In this 2002 promotion, he’s a grumpy old man who won’t give anybody candy until the wrestler Kane comes and beats him up so that everybody can get candy.

Hey, it’s a living.

2000s – WEBN

In this commercial for a rock station in Cincinnati, we see people seemingly marveling at the Hit King’s penis, but it’s actually a World Series ring. Crud, I just explained the joke. That totally ruins the effect.

Sorry, everyone.

2010 -Tom Gill Chevrolet (several)

Would you like to have dinner with Pete Rose? Well, just find a time machine and go back to 2010 and get a car from Tom Gill Chevy in Florence, Kentucky! I’m wondering whether he actually had dinner with everybody who got a car, or if it was just a sweepstakes or something. If anybody out there had a dinner with Pete Rose because they bought a car, let us know.

2013 – Muenchens Furniture

More recently, Pete has found a career in commercials not just for him, but his current fiancée, model Kiana Kim, with whom he had a very brief reality show career for six glorious episodes in 2013. See their great acting skills! They totally are talking to each other and not just speaking to the camera! Totally! TOTALLY!

2014 – Skechers

Again with Kiana, Pete Rose here is finally shown to have reached “The Hall”. Well, in this case it’s a hall in his house, but, it appears, even this hall is too sacred for him to walk his Skechers Relaxed Fits in. Why? Does he have mud on his shoes? Is the paint wet on the walls and Kiana is worried he’ll ruin it? Or does Kiana simply think it’d be better if Pete was studying his Encyclopedia Britannica or putting on Aqua Velva or buying Halloween Candy to not give out to wrestling fans who are trick-or-treating, or something? The answer, no doubt, is as mysterious and profound as the Dual Kool-Aid Saviors themselves.

Praise Kool-Aid!

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LINKS!

Richard Justice on Buck Showalter and the return of the “Oriole Way”.

Ken Rosenthal on the difficulties for MLB and the MLBPA in crafting a domestic violence policy.

Rob Rains on “Whatever happened to Khalil Greene?”. Maybe he’s hanging out with golf star Anthony Kim?

Marc Normandin faces THE MOBY DICK SANDWICH.

Matt Gelb on Tony Gwynn Jr’s return to the city where his father was an icon.

Self-Promotion of the Week: The latest “Bizarre Baseball Culture” over at the Baseball Continuum isn’t the best installment of the series, or even in the top half, but it has its moments. Check it out.

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It came to realization this week that this may well be Ichiro Suzuki’s final season, and yet nobody is talking about it. A stunning thought. Oh, to be sure, Ichiro still is good enough that he could hang on for a few more years as a fourth outfielder on a good (or at least .500) team, and could possibly even be a everyday starter for some of the worse teams in Major League Baseball, but it’s also just as possible- perhaps even likely- that this will be Ichiro’s final season, at least in North America (it wouldn’t shock me if he went back to Japan for a year or two as a farewell). And this makes me sad, because, more than any other player, Ichiro was (and sometimes still is) just fun to watch. I’ll elaborate when he officially retires, whether it is at the end of this year or if he still plays a few more years to make it to 3000 MLB hits. But until then… just appreciate Ichiro.

Finally, a programming note. As you probably noticed, this is up on a Monday this week. Well, that’s going to be the usual from this point on, for both logistical and sanity-related reasons. So, come back on Mondays for more “Wisdom and Links”, and if you really like my stuff, go to Baseball Continuum.